Hope in a Hopeless World

Mental Health Outreach

Author: Crystal

Hi, I'm Crystal. I am a wife to an amazing husband, a mom of two beautiful boys, and a social worker with a passion to help people. Among many other things, I also live with mental illness. Depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, eating disorder, and vicarious trauma. Whoa - what a mouth full. These disorders have had a major impact on my life. It is my mission to share my experiences with others to prove that you are not alone in this battle.

Look who’s up!

Communication, Parenting, You are not alone /
Crystal / November 3, 2019

I climbed up the steep stairs of my grandparents lake house. I wondered if anyone is awake yet, in this dark quiet house. As my small child size legs reached the top of the stairs, I could smell the fresh brewed coffee and the familiar sounds of the news playing on the TV in the background. “Well look who’s up!” I can still see the big grin on my papa’s smiling face, as he turned toward me. That simple statement and excitement still makes my heart feel warm and my spirit feel welcomed. Today, I am sitting in my dark living room, reflecting back on this short by rich memory. I would be embarrassed to admit that I am dreading the moment my children wake up. I love my children dearly, it’s just that I am so physically and mentally exhausted. Taking care of my own needs is hard enough on days like these. I think of the way that the welcoming words of my papa in those early mornings uplifted my spirit and still do even after he has passed on. A gentle reminder that the words and attitude that I use toward my children can have lasting impacts. My mind and body may be tired, but a simple smile and friendly morning greeting seems doable. Taking a deep breath in, I enjoy the last few minutes of silence. Hearing the rustling of blankets being thrown off and little feet scurrying down the hallway, I look toward the noise to see my 5 year old rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “You are awake! Good morning buddy.” I say with a smile. His immediate grin is followed by rushing over for snuggles on the couch. Not every morning starts like this. Sometimes I forget that my words have great meaning to my kids. When I stop to pay attention, it amazes me how much my actions and words influence my small family. What have you noticed in the world around you? How have your actions and words influenced others? The simple words of my papa in days long ago still play in my mind. What words of yours will play in the minds of others? Choose kindness. Choose to uplift even if all you can do that day is lend a smile. It’s the small everyday actions that go a long way. Author: Crystal

Forgiveness is a Process

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 28, 2019

After something painful happens there are natural emotions and physical reactions that occur.  If we act on anger or ignore those reactions, we can make our pain worse.  Forgiveness is for you, it’s not for anyone else.  Forgiveness offers freedom and healing, so how do we get a place of forgiveness after something tragic? Forgiveness is a process. A process that should not be rushed. 1.Understand Forgiveness. Forgiveness often gets confused with other things. Forgiveness is not trust, reconciliation, or weakness.  There are changes in your mind and heart that can lead to reconciliation and trust can be built over time. However, those are steps that can be sorted out with that person at a later time. Forgiveness takes great strength that comes from within. Understanding forgiveness is the first step in the process. 2.Feel your emotions. Don’t rush into forgiveness.  You were hurt and likely faced unfair circumstances that no one deserves.  It’s never ok for someone to hurt you.  Mourn your disappointments. Feel the anger, the heartbreak, and the sadness. Find ways to release the emotions in healthy ways. Don’t make life changing decisions during this time. Take a step back, retreat to safety, and process those emotions. 3.Find stress management and coping techniques. While it’s important to allow time to feel our emotions, sometimes we can ruminate on events that happened. Replaying the pain over and over in our mind. When this happens, it can be important to distract your mind. Schedule time to feel and process and then stop. It might help to set a timer and vent to a friend and then choose a different activity after the timer is up. Or take out a journal and fill up a few pages and then go for a run, watch a movie, or something that will take your mind off the painful event. Find the stress management techniques that work best for you. 4.Confide in a friend. It’s hard to carry a heavy burden all on your own. Find someone in your circle of friends or family that you can tell. Having someone else know the struggles you are facing, can help lighten the load. It’s amazing what talking it out can do. 5.Focus on your actions. The actions of others are not within your control. Don’t wait for an apology or repentance. That’s their path to walk. We don’t have to let the people around us have control over our happiness. You get to choose forgiveness on your own terms. 6.Release feelings of revenge. To forgive is to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” Revenge or anger will not make you feel better. After you have actively worked at processing these emotions and allowed time to pass, release the anger. Redirect your mind to helpful, productive tasks. If anger continues to be a problem, seek help from someone that can help you work through the anger. Author: Crystal For more articles on Forgiveness, check out our Forgiveness Series.

Forgiveness is For You

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 13, 2019

My husband and I have shared our story many times. If you missed it you can read from his perspective here or mine here. The conversations that naturally follow are filled with questions and wonder. “How could you forgive something like that?” “How do you know it wont happen again?” “Isn’t that hard to live with?” “How can you trust after that?” “I couldn’t do that if I were you.” The truth is: I didn’t think I could forgive something this big either. Every question that someone asks are the same questions I’ve asked myself. Each person comes in with there own story, background, and hurts. What I have learned along the way is this: Forgiveness if for you. It isn’t necessarily about the other person. Forgiveness is a personal journey that you can choose to take. This journey can be about forgiving someone else or choosing to forgive yourself. It’s important to remember that we have control over how we respond in painful situations. The hard truth is that you will be let down by someone at some point along the way. Not one person is perfect. Your best friend, your parents, teachers, siblings, or significant other will do something that causes you pain. No matter how big or small that event is you don’t have control over their actions. You do have control over how you respond. What will you choose? Will it be revenge and anger? Avoidance and withdrawal? Or maybe you could respond with mercy and forgiveness? However you choose, that response is yours. You own it. You have more control than you know. Revenge Revenge is the act of inflicting harm on someone else to get even. Payback is a natural response when we are hurting. It might feel good in the moment thinking of ways to make the other person feel the pain that you have experienced. When impulse for revenge is acted on, more hurt is added to our world. It will likely leave you feeling more hurt then before. You have now just allowed the original offender to cause you to do something that you normally would not do to another person. Avoidance Ignoring or avoiding the problem, might delay healing. Hurtful events need to be processed and discussed. Protection needs to be put into place to avoid further pain. Avoiding the painful event or person may cause that hurt to fester and grow inside you. This lets the pain from someone else to become bigger and more painful. Mercy To show mercy and forgiveness? Showing mercy is the act of compassion and forgiveness toward someone that is undeserving. It doesn’t mean that you let them out of their natural consequences or immediately trust again. It’s to maintain kindness and wish no harm to them. This is freeing! This allows you to use your strength to overcome. You get to choose to let the pain and hurt stop with you. You get to control how much that pain filters your body. It allows you to stop searching for ways to “make it right” and choose to let go. Choose forgiveness and add light into your world. You have the strength to stop letting the actions of others effect your joy. Author: Crystal You might also be interested in:

Forgiveness is Not…

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 5, 2019

Forgiveness is one of those confusing, hard to explain, and hard to wrap your head around terms. They hurt me, why should I have to do anything? Forgiveness can heal past or present hurts, so it’s extra important that we don’t confuse forgiveness for something that it is not. Forgiveness is Not… 1.Reconciliation. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Sometimes forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. However, you can choose to forgive and choose to not associate with that person at the same time. Sometimes you have to choose to forgive and move on in order to protect yourself and heal from the pain. 2.Agreement with the person or group that hurt you. Forgiveness is not agreement. It does not mean that you agree or condone their actions. Psychologists define forgiveness as “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” The person that hurt you might not deserve forgiveness. They have to live with their poor choices and find their own peace with those decisions. You don’t have to change your morals and agree with those choices. 3.Saying what they did is ok. Forgiveness is not saying what they did is ok. Much like forgiveness does not require you to agree with their actions, it also does not require you to say that it is ok. It’s not ok for someone to cause harm to you. If someone accidently bumps into you, you might sincerely mean that it is fine that they did that, but we can’t apply this phrase to all situations. Somethings will just never be ok for someone to do. 4.Trust. Forgiveness is not trust. Trust is something that is earned over time. When trust is broken, it may take a while to rebuild. After you choose to forgive someone you may or may not build trust over time. It is possible to forgive someone and then decide later if you are willing or able to trust them. 5.Weakness. Forgiveness is not weakness. In fact forgiveness builds great strength and resilience. It is a hard task to complete. If you can reach a point of forgiveness for those that hurt you, you take back control over the situation. Forgiveness gives you strength and control in your life. 6.Letting someone out of their consequences. Forgiveness is not letting someone out of their consequences. Justice and consequences are different than revenge. Without consequences for poor actions we would never learn. Consequences are a good thing. They help us grow and learn right from wrong. Revenge is wishing the worst for someone or intentionally seeking to do wrong to them. This is not helpful for anyone involved. When you think of forgiveness it is important to remove the pre-conceived ideas that often get associated with forgiveness. Sometimes there is pressure to quickly let go, forget that you were hurt, and move on. Forgiveness is a process that leads to great healing. Take your time to learn the true meaning of forgiveness, and allow your hurt to heal. Author: Crystal Look for more articles on forgiveness in our May Forgiveness Series You might also be interested in:

Compassion Fatigue

Compassion Fatigue, Support for Family and Friends, Tips, Work Struggles /
Crystal / March 25, 2019

As a social worker, people come to me with hard, if not impossible, problems to solve. Sometimes I have the answers to those problems. Sometimes I am called an angel, lifesaver, or hero. Other times, I fail to help the fragile or hurting person before me.  It is not from a lack of trying.  In fact, it’s these impossible problems that have no clear solution that keep me up at night. Laying awake problem solving long after my work day is over. These are the times that I can hear the disappointment and helplessness. I was their last resort and I failed. Instead of lifesaver, I hear failure, destroyer, bearer of bad news. Sometimes the person on the receiving end lets me know how much I failed them but most of the time it comes from with in. Its exhausting caring and constantly thinking about the needs of others.  The drive to help in any way possible sent me spiraling down an overwhelming path. With each step I took I added more tasks, more stories, and more heartbreak to the pile. Every new story caused me to leave a piece of my heart behind.    During those overwhelming and emotional days, I forgot a few important truths: It’s not my job to solve the impossible.  No one can run on empty. There are things that I can do to protect my heart and show compassion. If you are in a helping profession, a caregiver, or generally like to help others, we need your compassionate heart in this world. In order to maintain that compassionate heart, you have to take care of it just like any other part of your body. Here are a few things to keep in mind as your head out into the world: Be kind to yourself. You are human. You cannot solve the impossible. Be content knowing that you are doing the best you can. There is enough negativity to go around. Work on getting rid of negative self-talk and strive to feed your mind positive things. Learn more. Learn about symptoms of compassion fatigue. Notice how your body is responding in different situations. Awareness to reactions and symptoms reduces the impact. Set personal boundaries and work hours.  This is not being selfish. In fact, if you continue to over work and over commit, then you will quickly burn yourself out. The best thing you can do for others is model good self-care. If you take care of your own needs first, you will be more equipped to help someone else. This starts with setting personal boundaries and work hours and sticking to them. Schedule self-care. Put self-care on the calendar like you would any other important task. This should be your number one priority. If you want to continue helping people, you must make your own self-care a priority. Plan to take breaks through out the day. Set aside time that is just for you. Take a walk, do a meditation, read a book; something that will refocus on your own personal needs. Seek someone who will listen and understand. Talk about it! Find a trusted colleague, friend, advisor, spiritual leader, or counselor and discuss the impacts of compassion fatigue. Talk about how your mind and body are affected by caring for others. Releasing the thoughts from your mind can be very healing. Leave toxic environments. Sometimes the environment that we have chosen to work in is unhealthy. Be aware of unhealthy work environments and choose to build resiliency to those impacts or remove yourself from that situation. If you are working for someone that has unrealistic expectations, insufficient supervision, unsafe physical space, and generally doesn’t abide by best work place practices keep in mind that this is not a personal failure. Know your own limits and don’t take the heat for unrealistic practices. Accept the limits of being human. Help those you can and trust that others will do the same. The problems of those in front of you do not fall on your shoulders alone. Continue to care about people, just make sure that you are caring about yourself too! Author: Crystal

Marriage Crisis

Marriage /
Crystal / March 23, 2019

Every marriage faces challenges at some point along the way. How those challenges are navigated will predict relationship survival. While there are certainly situations that require someone to leave their marriage, make choices about your marriage that are based in wisdom keeping your values and safety at the forefront. What if separation and divorce wasn’t the answer to all marriage crises? What if you can heal and repair even from betrayal, addiction, or drift? A marriage crisis doesn’t mean that your marriage has to be over, but you likely will not be able to tackle it alone. My husband and I have been through our share of marriage struggles and most days we are grateful for our trials because it has moved us to where we are now. There is something about hitting rock bottom that makes you appreciate life and wellness. For those of you struggling through problems or working toward healing, you are not alone in that struggle. What helped us when our marriage hit crisis level? 1. Allowing Time to Heal. No matter what struggles have hit in your marriage. Allow yourself time to feel those emotions. Don’t feel guilty about being angry, betrayed, sad, or even irrational at times. Seek healthy ways to release those emotions. Things that I found helpful were journaling, talking to others that have been there, joining community support groups, prayer, uplifting music, and reading books or articles related to my struggles. 2. Owning Our Part. Before we could think about working on repairing our marriage, we had to focus on individual wellbeing. Both my husband and I attended individual therapy to address our mental health concerns, mourn our losses, and work through the pain and betrayal. We attended individual therapy for 6 months before addressing any marriage concerns together. This will look different for each situation, but it is an important first step. It’s hard to work on something together if you haven’t first reflected on your own part and allowed yourself to feel all the emotions that come with it. It’s important to have time for self-reflection and healing. 3. Learning More. It was helpful to read or talk to others that have experienced similar situations. There is something so comforting in knowing that you are not the only one to go through this. I was surprised to find a community of people that have had similar experiences. It was encouraging to see people that had hit the same rock bottom as me and made it through. Reading self-help articles and personal testimonies was an important step in the healing process. 4. Seek Professional Help. Friends and family are important to the healing process, but you also need a non-bias opinion and facilitator to navigate these tough issues. Find a marriage counselor that fits well with your goals and beliefs for your marriage. A professional guide through conflict conversations will help process and sort those feelings. 5. Letting Go of Society Judgement. Choosing the unpopular choice can be hard. No matter what you decide, there is always going to be someone judging your choices. It’s easy for people to say “I would never be able too….” “Why would you….?” Or “If it were me I would….” The fact of the matter is that they are not you. They have not walked your path. Let go of any judgement that you may feel and seek to make a wise decision that is not based on others opinions or perceived judgment on your situation. 6. Seeking Forgiveness. This is a tough one especially if you are feeling betrayed by your spouse. Don’t rush the process. Allow yourself to feel the emotions but be careful to not base decisions in those emotions. Emotions can cause decisions that we will regret later. After you have allowed yourself to feel those painful emotions and allowed time for healing, then it may be time to think about forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself and for your spouse. This does not mean that you agree with any wrong done to you. Forgiveness is a complicated process. Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes a while to get there. It is worth striving for because the feeling will be so freeing. 7. Explore Spirituality Together. This was the glue that held us together. Our marriage would not be what it is today if we hadn’t grounded our marriage in faith. It’s worth exploring and finding out what you believe, not what others have told you to believe. Every single marriage has problems at some point. If your marriage is struggling, let go of the guilt and know that it is normal. Evaluate honestly and come up with a plan to move forward. Don’t ignore the problem and wait for it to pass. There is a lot that is said in the silence. Choose intentional messages centered in wisdom. Hope can be found in the pain, you just have to know where to look. Author: Crystal You may also be interested in: Click here for more articles on marriage.

Dear Husband

Love. Joy. Kindness, Marriage, Self Worth /
Crystal / February 11, 2019

Dear Husband, I know the world may make you feel unworthy. The world may see you as just another. Another man caught in the troubles of life. One that is bogged down by mistakes and trials. They see another marriage torn by unfaithful actions. Another dad to a blended family. The world may see the imperfections. They may say you are unworthy. There will be times that you are dismissed and judged. You may have to prove yourself again and again. You will have to re-explain your story and see the judgement in the eyes of every new person. The confusion and surprise will continue when you must explain yet again your family structure and trials you are facing. There will be days that you feel the guilt of these mistakes.   There will be days that you feel worthless. I need you to know that this is not what I see. I see the power of redemption. I see a man that lost his way and allowed grace and forgiveness to transform. Someone who cares deeply about those around him and fights everyday to overcome the mistakes and nightmares of the past. I see the courageous way that you allow the world to see your mistakes and risk the harsh judgement that may follow. As for me I choose to see the greatness that has always been there. I choose to see the man of integrity, courage, kindness, and love. Let the world believe what they will. You will continue to prove them wrong and win people over. You are aiming for long term solutions not short term praise. Continue to fight for what you believe in and provide encouragement to those around you. Your family will be standing at your side. You are valued. You are loved. You are worthy. Love, Your Wife.

Someone you Love is Living with Depression

Depression, Support for Family and Friends /
Crystal / February 4, 2019

Chances are that someone in your life is living with depression. According to the ADAA (Anxiety and Depression Association of America), Depression effects 16.1 million adults in the US each year. Depression can be hard to see or explain, making it easy to ignore. What does depression look like? Depression can take form in many ways. If you are not around that person often, it’s possible that you may not notice anything different. Depression often will show up in little interest in life leading to inability to complete or keep up with daily life. For me, feelings of depression were masked by daily stressors. It was easy to come up with reasons for my low mood. Reflecting on that time, I can see that my choices for coping were ineffective. It felt like one day I was full of life and energy. I was happily married, baby on the way, working a rewarding job in social work, and “on track” with my life goals. Then a series of life events began to wear me down. Miscarriage, difficulty getting pregnant, and work stress were just a few weights that were added to my shoulders. Even with the added heartaches, I was still pushing through and trying to rise above, until depression and PTSD hit hard. Eventually our first child did come which proved to be far more difficult than anything that I imagined. There were gradual symptoms of depression and warning signs that were overlooked and rationalized away. It’s difficult to differentiate between normal exhaustion from pregnancy and a new baby and exhaustion from depression. It felt like one day I was doing great, the next day I wasn’t, and in a blink of an eye it was four years later. Four long, foggy years of untreated and ignored depression and PTSD. All my energy, drive, and interest were zapped out of me. Getting out of bed felt impossible. I was late to work often. Communication with those around me came to a complete halt and an internal battle began. My memories from those years are a blur. My life was on hold. The only tasks getting done were those needed for survival. Reality began to sink in when my husband and I began talking about divorce. Only then did I seek treatment. It became clear that I wasn’t the only one struggling with mental illness, my husband was too. Many hard lessons have been learned throughout the pain of mental illness and the healing process. I have gained insight into my marriage, effective communication, and healthy coping strategies.   And I have gained a community of people. A community that understands the struggle, the isolation, and the confusion that comes from an illness that can at times feel invisible. In talking with others that have struggled with depression, I gathered a list of common things that you should know about your loved one who is living with depression. What should you know about living with someone that has depression? Lack of interest is not personal. One of the main symptoms of depression is the lack of interest or desire in anything. Unfortunately, this includes people. Depression causes strain on relationships, often because the person that is living with depression stops showing an interest in their relationships. This leaves family and friends feeling personally attacked. This is not a personal dislike or lack of love for you, it’s simply a symptom of the illness. Low ability to finish (or start) tasks is not due to laziness. Someone that is living with depression is not choosing to be lazy. Depression can be just as debilitating as physical illness. Shift your mind to thinking about them with an illness. If they had cancer what would your expectation of them be? If they didn’t have depression, would their desire to help with basic chores look different? Listening is better than fixing. Mental illness can be very isolating and confusing to explain. If someone you suspect has a mental illness and they are talking to you about symptoms, it can be easy to want to offer advice or try to fix the problem. One of the biggest problems is finding someone who will listen without fixing.  Try using open-ended questions to encourage them to continue talking and active listening to show that you are interested in what they are saying. The best “fix” is often a listening ear that has no agenda. Communicate. If you feel like they are upset with you, don’t love you, or don’t care, then talk to them about those feelings. Be gentle, kind, and non-defensive. Chances are if they knew they were making you feel unloved, they would want to change that. Give them a chance to speak their truth without assuming for them. Grace, grace, grace. Mental illness is hard to navigate. Offer grace as much as possible. There is power in unconditional love and grace. Use that power to promote positive change and healthy thinking. Take care of yourself. You will get burnt out from caretaking if you don’t plan to take care of yourself. This may include treatment for your own needs, scheduled on-going time with friends/support group/church group, whatever you need to do to fill yourself up. Do not feel guilty about enjoying your time and practicing healthy boundaries. Modeling healthy self-care is a great first step to helping your loved one get through depression. Remember that this is not how it will always be.   Keep in mind that depression is an illness that is treatable, but it takes time. Even after symptoms improve, there may be hard days. Remind yourself that this is not how it will always be. You will have good days and bad days just like everything else in life. It’s tough watching those we love struggle with an illness. It’s even harder to understand an illness that can’t be easily seen or explained. You have a spirit of Power, Love, and Self-Control. Control your responses and offer love in …

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Darkness of Loneliness.

Depression, Marriage, You are not alone /
Crystal / January 26, 2019

When my husband and I decided to separate and talks of divorce begun, these became some of the loneliness days of my life. My world went from the chaos of being a wife and a mom, to a quiet house with little movement half of the time. I remember sitting in my 3-year-old’s room wondering who I am without my child here. Prior to the marital separation, there were days that I longed for a few moments of quiet, uninterrupted time. There were days when my mind was so deep into the darkness of depression that I thought running away from all my responsibilities would be the only way I would survive. But now here I was with no responsibilities and I didn’t feel better. I quickly realized that I was blaming the chaos of life for my low mood and little interest in life. With many of life’s responsibilities removed, I still had low energy, little interest in anything, and now a new feeling had surfaced: Loneliness. Looking back, I can see that the loneliness had crept in long before separating from my husband. Loneliness is one of those confusing emotions that can hit us when we are alone or even in the middle of a crowded room. It comes from not feeling connected with others or not being understood by those around you. It is one of the scariest places to live. Loneliness breathes life to hopelessness, diminished self-worth, and a cycle of unhealthy thinking. Thanksgiving of 2017 was a pivotal point in my journey. This would be the first major holiday away from my child. He would be spending the day with my soon-to-be ex husband and his family whom I still viewed as my own. The days leading up to Thanksgiving, I began to wonder if life was worth living. I hated who I was becoming and where my life was going. I was sitting on my bedroom floor feeling hopeless and alone, when my phone rang. It was my mom, who must have heard the pain in my voice and before I knew it, she was at my front door. She came with open arms and a bag full of food sent by the close friends she was with when she called. Don’t underestimate the impact of community and small acts of kindness. You never know when that simple phone, warm smile, or meal will be life changing for another person. In the months that followed, I decided that I needed to make some changes. I schedule an appointment with my therapist and began discussing ways to overcome the deep loneliness that I was feeling. I couldn’t change my life circumstances, but I could change how I approached it. I could take back the control over my life and be intentional about how I would spend my time. Ultimately these were the things that helped me the most: Talking about it. I scheduled weekly appointments with my therapist and was honest about how I was feeling. The power of talking should not be underestimated. You can pretend in front of strangers and acquaintances and even some family or friends, but someone should know your true feelings. Talk therapy has many benefits and was very effective for me. During these appointments I was also able to explore other avenues that would help me cope. Finding a community that understands. I joined a women’s group through my church and began to develop deep relationships with the ladies in that group. They would be a sturdy structure of support throughout the rough days ahead. This led to Elizabeth and I launching a Peer-Lead Mental Health Support group which then led to an online blog and mental health outreach. Journaling. Writing for me became therapeutic. There is a form of release that occurs from getting the thoughts and feelings out of my body and on to paper. I could let the true unfiltered thoughts and worries out of my mind, which allowed me to move past them. Learning more about mental health and spirituality. I began to read more about healthy thinking, symptoms of mental illness, and spirituality. Learning about why I was experiencing symptoms of mental illness and what I believed about spirituality was important for my journey through loneliness. I needed to learn for myself what my illness looked like and what I believed about this world. Loneliness is often an overlooked feeling that many don’t know how to respond to. I know that it can be overwhelming. There is hope. Continue to walk the path in front of you and trust that there is light at the end. Explore and find things along the way that help get you through the dark days. Join a support group, a church that you trust, confide in a friend or a therapist, begin to sort out your thoughts through journaling or learning. Do something that allows you to have control in your life. Author: Crystal

Navigating Conflict

Communication, Marriage, Support for Family and Friends, Tips /
Crystal / January 19, 2019

You’ve reflected on the issue at hand, decided that the person you have a conflict with will be receptive to an honest conversation, and determined the best time to talk. Now that the time is here, how should you go about it? Here are some quick tips to navigating those difficult conversations. 1 . Go in with an open mind. Let go of any strong feelings or attachments you have to your point of view. Be willing to change your mind. Before entering the conversation try journaling, reflecting, prayer, mediation, or listening to music. Do your best to clear your mind before entering the conversation. 2 . Focus on preserving your relationship, not being right. It’s easy to get focused on our opinions and what we believe is best. Take a step back before entering the conversation and think about the relationship that you have with that person. Is the conflict at hand worth ruining your relationship? If the answer is no, respond with the relationship in mind. 3 . Take breaks. Notice Triggers. If at any time during the conversation you feel yourself in the fight, flight, or freeze response that may be an indication that you have been triggered and need to take a break. Remaining calm and kind during a conflict conversation is crucial to making both sides feel respected and productive. Take a break to re-center your mind. 4 . Be quick to listen. Be curious about the other person’s point of view. Ask them to share their thoughts on the issue and really listen to them. Repeat back to them what you heard them say without judgement or additions. Do not try to tell them why they are wrong or why their ideas won’t work. The goal is to gain an understanding of their point of view not argue your point. 5 . Ask for your opinions to be heard. After you have taken the time to actively listen to the other person’s point of view. Ask them to listen to your thoughts. Tell them that they don’t have to agree with you. Just ask for them to listen and try to understand your point of view. 6 . Evaluate Honestly. If the evidence provided causes you to change your mind, be open to that. It takes a strong person to let go of their pride and admit that they were wrong. Be that strong person when the opportunity arises. You might be surprised at how good it feels to let go of your pride and take on a humble stance. Alternatively, if the other person changes their mind, don’t gloat about being right. Remember that we are focusing on the relationship with the other person, and not on winning the conflict. 7 . Best plans come from compromise. Most of the time there is going to be good reasons on both sides of the conflict. The beauty about being human is that we all come with our different values, beliefs, experiences, gifts, and talents. On our own we may be able to do some good things, but together we can do amazing things. After each person has shared their background and stance on the issue, brainstorm possibly solutions to the problem. Maybe even write all the solutions down without judgement. Then discuss which ones each person could live with as a compromise. 8 . Plan to revisit. Schedule a time to revisit this conversation. Sometimes trial and error is needed to come to a solutions that is best. Check-in to see if the solution is working for both parties. If the solution is not working, discuss concerns and possible alternative solutions.