Hope in a Hopeless World

Mental Health Outreach

Author: Crystal

Hi, I'm Crystal. I am a wife to an amazing husband, a mom of two beautiful boys, and a social worker with a passion to help people. Among many other things, I also live with mental illness. Depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, eating disorder, and vicarious trauma. Whoa - what a mouth full. These disorders have had a major impact on my life. It is my mission to share my experiences with others to prove that you are not alone in this battle.

Don’t Offer Platitudes

Support for Family and Friends /
Crystal / March 10, 2020

In the fall of 2017, my world had been turned upside down. Depression, marital separation, and hopelessness made surviving each day seem impossible. I vividly remember standing in my kitchen wondering if my legs could continue to hold me up. As I leaned my back against the counter, my head was spinning from unwanted thoughts. I lowered myself to the ground and buried my head into my arms. My mom, who was visiting that evening, walked over and sat down next to me. I don’t remember the words she said, it was her presence and willingness to sit in the uncomfortable pain of the moment that stands out. The willingness to help carry the heartache. I’m not sure now long we sat there, but when I did stand up, my eyes were drawn to a card from a close friend. Amongst other words of encouragement it said “Don’t be afraid to feel the feels.” We as a society tend to be afraid to feel the hard stuff. It’s often easier to offer platitudes rather than holding space for the person to process. Platitudes are oversimplified phrases that are used to calm our minds or provide reassurance especially during difficult times. We may find ourselves saying things like: “Good things come to those who wait.” or “Time heals all wounds” or “Everything happens for a reason” or “Everything always works out in the end.” While some platitudes may hold truth, they don’t allow the mind to process the necessary emotions. These simple phrases may also minimize someone’s pain, causing them to feel unheard or dismissed. Instead of common platitudes hold space, be comfortable with silence,  offer grace for the hard days, and most importantly don’t be afraid of hard emotions. They are a gift that allow healing. Author: Crystal

Savor the Moment

Love. Joy. Kindness /
Crystal / November 25, 2019

Slowly I open the door to the bedroom that our two sweet boys share. I tiptoe quietly across the room past the empty bed of our 5 year old, who has already been up for hours on this dark fall morning. Peering into the crib on the far side of the room, I see our one year old sound asleep. I rub his back before I gently lift him out of the crib. He has no interest in waking up and without openning his eyes he snuggles into me. His gentle breathing combines with the soft music on the radio playing in the room.  These are the moments I want to remember. Our lives may be full of chaos and uncertainty much of the time, but taking a few minutes to pause in the sweet moments of life can remind us just how much we have to be thankful for.  I close my eyes, take deep breath in, and memorize this moment. Intentionally noticing the feelings and sensations around me. Often my day is consumed with worry, rushed schedules, and stressors. The practice of gratitude can be a challenging at times. Truly taking in the things that bring joy, helps to calm my day. What moments do you want to pause and savor today?  Even on days when it’s hard to be thankful, take a moment to pause on something good and stay there for a while. Author: Crystal

Protecting those that Protect Us

PTSD, Self Worth, Support for Family and Friends /
Crystal / November 11, 2019

This past week I heard the devastating news that two Minnesota police officers died by suicide. My heart breaks for what these men experienced in the days, months, and years leading up to their final moments. The tears quietly fall from my eyes as I think about the family they left behind. As I let the tears fall, I reflect back to a time, in the not so distant past, where I wondered if today would be the day that I would get that call. Several times I had wondered, “Would today be the day that someone shows up at my house to tell me that my husband died by suicide?” Fortunately for me, that moment never came. Later I would find out that my fears were too close to becoming reality.  My husband spent 12 years serving in the Minnesota Army National Guard. It is here that he would make life long friends and find purpose in serving his country. It is also where he would witness horrific and tragic events that no human should ever have to see.  Coming home he would suffer in silence as he relived the tragedies. During the day simple conversations or things in his environment would trigger memories. At night it was the nightmares that felt too real.  Suicide is not selfish.  Living in the constant place of trauma is unbearable and affects every moment of life. My husband would later tell me that he firmly believed that his family would be better off without him as a burden to daily life. He believed that because of the things he experienced and did during his time overseas, that the world didn’t need him around.  He saw suicide as a selfless act to spare others from the monster he believed himself to be.  I’ll never forget the day my husband opened up about his experiences; calling himself worthless. This strong, brave protector couldn’t see the hero that I saw.  The men and women that are called to protect us on U.S. ground or overseas come in different forms; military branches, police officers, and first responders. As a community indebted to these men and women, we need to rally together to protect those that are called to protect us.  Take a first step in showing that support by learning more about what these men and women go through. Research things to say and not say when you have the opportunity to have a conversation with them.  Show them the love and support they deserve.  In honor of Veteran’s Day, take some time to learn how you, as a community member, can help those that protect you every day.  Not sure where to start? See the articles linked below. đź’ś Author: Crystal How to talk to and support a Vet: https://warontherocks.com/2017/11/how-to-talk-to-a-veteran/ https://www.brainline.org/article/caring-veteran-ptsd-what-do-you-need-know Caregiver Resources: http://www.caregiver.va.gov/ Impact Stories from Police and Veteran: https://theofficernextdoor.com/2018/07/26/its-not-normal/ https://hopeinahopelessworld.com/2018/08/12/survivors-guilt-guest-author-job-w/

Look who’s up!

Communication, Parenting, You are not alone /
Crystal / November 3, 2019

I climbed up the steep stairs of my grandparents lake house. I wondered if anyone is awake yet, in this dark quiet house. As my small child size legs reached the top of the stairs, I could smell the fresh brewed coffee and the familiar sounds of the news playing on the TV in the background. “Well look who’s up!” I can still see the big grin on my papa’s smiling face, as he turned toward me. That simple statement and excitement still makes my heart feel warm and my spirit feel welcomed. Today, I am sitting in my dark living room, reflecting back on this short by rich memory. I would be embarrassed to admit that I am dreading the moment my children wake up. I love my children dearly, it’s just that I am so physically and mentally exhausted. Taking care of my own needs is hard enough on days like these. I think of the way that the welcoming words of my papa in those early mornings uplifted my spirit and still do even after he has passed on. A gentle reminder that the words and attitude that I use toward my children can have lasting impacts. My mind and body may be tired, but a simple smile and friendly morning greeting seems doable. Taking a deep breath in, I enjoy the last few minutes of silence. Hearing the rustling of blankets being thrown off and little feet scurrying down the hallway, I look toward the noise to see my 5 year old rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “You are awake! Good morning buddy.” I say with a smile. His immediate grin is followed by rushing over for snuggles on the couch. Not every morning starts like this. Sometimes I forget that my words have great meaning to my kids. When I stop to pay attention, it amazes me how much my actions and words influence my small family. What have you noticed in the world around you? How have your actions and words influenced others? The simple words of my papa in days long ago still play in my mind. What words of yours will play in the minds of others? Choose kindness. Choose to uplift even if all you can do that day is lend a smile. It’s the small everyday actions that go a long way. Author: Crystal

Forgiveness is a Process

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 28, 2019

After something painful happens there are natural emotions and physical reactions that occur.  If we act on anger or ignore those reactions, we can make our pain worse.  Forgiveness is for you, it’s not for anyone else.  Forgiveness offers freedom and healing, so how do we get a place of forgiveness after something tragic? Forgiveness is a process. A process that should not be rushed. 1.Understand Forgiveness. Forgiveness often gets confused with other things. Forgiveness is not trust, reconciliation, or weakness.  There are changes in your mind and heart that can lead to reconciliation and trust can be built over time. However, those are steps that can be sorted out with that person at a later time. Forgiveness takes great strength that comes from within. Understanding forgiveness is the first step in the process. 2.Feel your emotions. Don’t rush into forgiveness.  You were hurt and likely faced unfair circumstances that no one deserves.  It’s never ok for someone to hurt you.  Mourn your disappointments. Feel the anger, the heartbreak, and the sadness. Find ways to release the emotions in healthy ways. Don’t make life changing decisions during this time. Take a step back, retreat to safety, and process those emotions. 3.Find stress management and coping techniques. While it’s important to allow time to feel our emotions, sometimes we can ruminate on events that happened. Replaying the pain over and over in our mind. When this happens, it can be important to distract your mind. Schedule time to feel and process and then stop. It might help to set a timer and vent to a friend and then choose a different activity after the timer is up. Or take out a journal and fill up a few pages and then go for a run, watch a movie, or something that will take your mind off the painful event. Find the stress management techniques that work best for you. 4.Confide in a friend. It’s hard to carry a heavy burden all on your own. Find someone in your circle of friends or family that you can tell. Having someone else know the struggles you are facing, can help lighten the load. It’s amazing what talking it out can do. 5.Focus on your actions. The actions of others are not within your control. Don’t wait for an apology or repentance. That’s their path to walk. We don’t have to let the people around us have control over our happiness. You get to choose forgiveness on your own terms. 6.Release feelings of revenge. To forgive is to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” Revenge or anger will not make you feel better. After you have actively worked at processing these emotions and allowed time to pass, release the anger. Redirect your mind to helpful, productive tasks. If anger continues to be a problem, seek help from someone that can help you work through the anger. Author: Crystal For more articles on Forgiveness, check out our Forgiveness Series.

Forgiveness is For You

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 13, 2019

My husband and I have shared our story many times. If you missed it you can read from his perspective here or mine here. The conversations that naturally follow are filled with questions and wonder. “How could you forgive something like that?” “How do you know it wont happen again?” “Isn’t that hard to live with?” “How can you trust after that?” “I couldn’t do that if I were you.” The truth is: I didn’t think I could forgive something this big either. Every question that someone asks are the same questions I’ve asked myself. Each person comes in with there own story, background, and hurts. What I have learned along the way is this: Forgiveness if for you. It isn’t necessarily about the other person. Forgiveness is a personal journey that you can choose to take. This journey can be about forgiving someone else or choosing to forgive yourself. It’s important to remember that we have control over how we respond in painful situations. The hard truth is that you will be let down by someone at some point along the way. Not one person is perfect. Your best friend, your parents, teachers, siblings, or significant other will do something that causes you pain. No matter how big or small that event is you don’t have control over their actions. You do have control over how you respond. What will you choose? Will it be revenge and anger? Avoidance and withdrawal? Or maybe you could respond with mercy and forgiveness? However you choose, that response is yours. You own it. You have more control than you know. Revenge Revenge is the act of inflicting harm on someone else to get even. Payback is a natural response when we are hurting. It might feel good in the moment thinking of ways to make the other person feel the pain that you have experienced. When impulse for revenge is acted on, more hurt is added to our world. It will likely leave you feeling more hurt then before. You have now just allowed the original offender to cause you to do something that you normally would not do to another person. Avoidance Ignoring or avoiding the problem, might delay healing. Hurtful events need to be processed and discussed. Protection needs to be put into place to avoid further pain. Avoiding the painful event or person may cause that hurt to fester and grow inside you. This lets the pain from someone else to become bigger and more painful. Mercy To show mercy and forgiveness? Showing mercy is the act of compassion and forgiveness toward someone that is undeserving. It doesn’t mean that you let them out of their natural consequences or immediately trust again. It’s to maintain kindness and wish no harm to them. This is freeing! This allows you to use your strength to overcome. You get to choose to let the pain and hurt stop with you. You get to control how much that pain filters your body. It allows you to stop searching for ways to “make it right” and choose to let go. Choose forgiveness and add light into your world. You have the strength to stop letting the actions of others effect your joy. Author: Crystal You might also be interested in:

Forgiveness is Not…

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 5, 2019

Forgiveness is one of those confusing, hard to explain, and hard to wrap your head around terms. They hurt me, why should I have to do anything? Forgiveness can heal past or present hurts, so it’s extra important that we don’t confuse forgiveness for something that it is not. Forgiveness is Not… 1.Reconciliation. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Sometimes forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. However, you can choose to forgive and choose to not associate with that person at the same time. Sometimes you have to choose to forgive and move on in order to protect yourself and heal from the pain. 2.Agreement with the person or group that hurt you. Forgiveness is not agreement. It does not mean that you agree or condone their actions. Psychologists define forgiveness as “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” The person that hurt you might not deserve forgiveness. They have to live with their poor choices and find their own peace with those decisions. You don’t have to change your morals and agree with those choices. 3.Saying what they did is ok. Forgiveness is not saying what they did is ok. Much like forgiveness does not require you to agree with their actions, it also does not require you to say that it is ok. It’s not ok for someone to cause harm to you. If someone accidently bumps into you, you might sincerely mean that it is fine that they did that, but we can’t apply this phrase to all situations. Somethings will just never be ok for someone to do. 4.Trust. Forgiveness is not trust. Trust is something that is earned over time. When trust is broken, it may take a while to rebuild. After you choose to forgive someone you may or may not build trust over time. It is possible to forgive someone and then decide later if you are willing or able to trust them. 5.Weakness. Forgiveness is not weakness. In fact forgiveness builds great strength and resilience. It is a hard task to complete. If you can reach a point of forgiveness for those that hurt you, you take back control over the situation. Forgiveness gives you strength and control in your life. 6.Letting someone out of their consequences. Forgiveness is not letting someone out of their consequences. Justice and consequences are different than revenge. Without consequences for poor actions we would never learn. Consequences are a good thing. They help us grow and learn right from wrong. Revenge is wishing the worst for someone or intentionally seeking to do wrong to them. This is not helpful for anyone involved. When you think of forgiveness it is important to remove the pre-conceived ideas that often get associated with forgiveness. Sometimes there is pressure to quickly let go, forget that you were hurt, and move on. Forgiveness is a process that leads to great healing. Take your time to learn the true meaning of forgiveness, and allow your hurt to heal. Author: Crystal Look for more articles on forgiveness in our May Forgiveness Series You might also be interested in:

Compassion Fatigue

Compassion Fatigue, Support for Family and Friends, Tips, Work Struggles /
Crystal / March 25, 2019

As a social worker, people come to me with hard, if not impossible, problems to solve. Sometimes I have the answers to those problems. Sometimes I am called an angel, lifesaver, or hero. Other times, I fail to help the fragile or hurting person before me.  It is not from a lack of trying.  In fact, it’s these impossible problems that have no clear solution that keep me up at night. Laying awake problem solving long after my work day is over. These are the times that I can hear the disappointment and helplessness. I was their last resort and I failed. Instead of lifesaver, I hear failure, destroyer, bearer of bad news. Sometimes the person on the receiving end lets me know how much I failed them but most of the time it comes from with in. Its exhausting caring and constantly thinking about the needs of others.  The drive to help in any way possible sent me spiraling down an overwhelming path. With each step I took I added more tasks, more stories, and more heartbreak to the pile. Every new story caused me to leave a piece of my heart behind.    During those overwhelming and emotional days, I forgot a few important truths: It’s not my job to solve the impossible.  No one can run on empty. There are things that I can do to protect my heart and show compassion. If you are in a helping profession, a caregiver, or generally like to help others, we need your compassionate heart in this world. In order to maintain that compassionate heart, you have to take care of it just like any other part of your body. Here are a few things to keep in mind as your head out into the world: Be kind to yourself. You are human. You cannot solve the impossible. Be content knowing that you are doing the best you can. There is enough negativity to go around. Work on getting rid of negative self-talk and strive to feed your mind positive things. Learn more. Learn about symptoms of compassion fatigue. Notice how your body is responding in different situations. Awareness to reactions and symptoms reduces the impact. Set personal boundaries and work hours.  This is not being selfish. In fact, if you continue to over work and over commit, then you will quickly burn yourself out. The best thing you can do for others is model good self-care. If you take care of your own needs first, you will be more equipped to help someone else. This starts with setting personal boundaries and work hours and sticking to them. Schedule self-care. Put self-care on the calendar like you would any other important task. This should be your number one priority. If you want to continue helping people, you must make your own self-care a priority. Plan to take breaks through out the day. Set aside time that is just for you. Take a walk, do a meditation, read a book; something that will refocus on your own personal needs. Seek someone who will listen and understand. Talk about it! Find a trusted colleague, friend, advisor, spiritual leader, or counselor and discuss the impacts of compassion fatigue. Talk about how your mind and body are affected by caring for others. Releasing the thoughts from your mind can be very healing. Leave toxic environments. Sometimes the environment that we have chosen to work in is unhealthy. Be aware of unhealthy work environments and choose to build resiliency to those impacts or remove yourself from that situation. If you are working for someone that has unrealistic expectations, insufficient supervision, unsafe physical space, and generally doesn’t abide by best work place practices keep in mind that this is not a personal failure. Know your own limits and don’t take the heat for unrealistic practices. Accept the limits of being human. Help those you can and trust that others will do the same. The problems of those in front of you do not fall on your shoulders alone. Continue to care about people, just make sure that you are caring about yourself too! Author: Crystal

Marriage Crisis

Marriage /
Crystal / March 23, 2019

Every marriage faces challenges at some point along the way. How those challenges are navigated will predict relationship survival. While there are certainly situations that require someone to leave their marriage, make choices about your marriage that are based in wisdom keeping your values and safety at the forefront. What if separation and divorce wasn’t the answer to all marriage crises? What if you can heal and repair even from betrayal, addiction, or drift? A marriage crisis doesn’t mean that your marriage has to be over, but you likely will not be able to tackle it alone. My husband and I have been through our share of marriage struggles and most days we are grateful for our trials because it has moved us to where we are now. There is something about hitting rock bottom that makes you appreciate life and wellness. For those of you struggling through problems or working toward healing, you are not alone in that struggle. What helped us when our marriage hit crisis level? 1. Allowing Time to Heal. No matter what struggles have hit in your marriage. Allow yourself time to feel those emotions. Don’t feel guilty about being angry, betrayed, sad, or even irrational at times. Seek healthy ways to release those emotions. Things that I found helpful were journaling, talking to others that have been there, joining community support groups, prayer, uplifting music, and reading books or articles related to my struggles. 2. Owning Our Part. Before we could think about working on repairing our marriage, we had to focus on individual wellbeing. Both my husband and I attended individual therapy to address our mental health concerns, mourn our losses, and work through the pain and betrayal. We attended individual therapy for 6 months before addressing any marriage concerns together. This will look different for each situation, but it is an important first step. It’s hard to work on something together if you haven’t first reflected on your own part and allowed yourself to feel all the emotions that come with it. It’s important to have time for self-reflection and healing. 3. Learning More. It was helpful to read or talk to others that have experienced similar situations. There is something so comforting in knowing that you are not the only one to go through this. I was surprised to find a community of people that have had similar experiences. It was encouraging to see people that had hit the same rock bottom as me and made it through. Reading self-help articles and personal testimonies was an important step in the healing process. 4. Seek Professional Help. Friends and family are important to the healing process, but you also need a non-bias opinion and facilitator to navigate these tough issues. Find a marriage counselor that fits well with your goals and beliefs for your marriage. A professional guide through conflict conversations will help process and sort those feelings. 5. Letting Go of Society Judgement. Choosing the unpopular choice can be hard. No matter what you decide, there is always going to be someone judging your choices. It’s easy for people to say “I would never be able too….” “Why would you….?” Or “If it were me I would….” The fact of the matter is that they are not you. They have not walked your path. Let go of any judgement that you may feel and seek to make a wise decision that is not based on others opinions or perceived judgment on your situation. 6. Seeking Forgiveness. This is a tough one especially if you are feeling betrayed by your spouse. Don’t rush the process. Allow yourself to feel the emotions but be careful to not base decisions in those emotions. Emotions can cause decisions that we will regret later. After you have allowed yourself to feel those painful emotions and allowed time for healing, then it may be time to think about forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself and for your spouse. This does not mean that you agree with any wrong done to you. Forgiveness is a complicated process. Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes a while to get there. It is worth striving for because the feeling will be so freeing. 7. Explore Spirituality Together. This was the glue that held us together. Our marriage would not be what it is today if we hadn’t grounded our marriage in faith. It’s worth exploring and finding out what you believe, not what others have told you to believe. Every single marriage has problems at some point. If your marriage is struggling, let go of the guilt and know that it is normal. Evaluate honestly and come up with a plan to move forward. Don’t ignore the problem and wait for it to pass. There is a lot that is said in the silence. Choose intentional messages centered in wisdom. Hope can be found in the pain, you just have to know where to look. Author: Crystal You may also be interested in: Click here for more articles on marriage.

Dear Husband

Love. Joy. Kindness, Marriage, Self Worth /
Crystal / February 11, 2019

Dear Husband, I know the world may make you feel unworthy. The world may see you as just another. Another man caught in the troubles of life. One that is bogged down by mistakes and trials. They see another marriage torn by unfaithful actions. Another dad to a blended family. The world may see the imperfections. They may say you are unworthy. There will be times that you are dismissed and judged. You may have to prove yourself again and again. You will have to re-explain your story and see the judgement in the eyes of every new person. The confusion and surprise will continue when you must explain yet again your family structure and trials you are facing. There will be days that you feel the guilt of these mistakes.   There will be days that you feel worthless. I need you to know that this is not what I see. I see the power of redemption. I see a man that lost his way and allowed grace and forgiveness to transform. Someone who cares deeply about those around him and fights everyday to overcome the mistakes and nightmares of the past. I see the courageous way that you allow the world to see your mistakes and risk the harsh judgement that may follow. As for me I choose to see the greatness that has always been there. I choose to see the man of integrity, courage, kindness, and love. Let the world believe what they will. You will continue to prove them wrong and win people over. You are aiming for long term solutions not short term praise. Continue to fight for what you believe in and provide encouragement to those around you. Your family will be standing at your side. You are valued. You are loved. You are worthy. Love, Your Wife.