Hope in a Hopeless World

Mental Health Outreach

Author: Crystal

Hi, I'm Crystal. I am a wife to an amazing husband, a mom of two beautiful boys, and a social worker with a passion to help people. Among many other things, I also live with mental illness. Depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, eating disorder, and vicarious trauma. Whoa - what a mouth full. These disorders have had a major impact on my life. It is my mission to share my experiences with others to prove that you are not alone in this battle.

People Pleasing

Anxiety /
Crystal / August 10, 2020

The moment I read the words on screen, my heart started pounding, my muscles began to tense, and my mind began to race. This simple text message was intentionally designed to inflict pain onto our family. I began to question myself. What it is it about me that causes hatred from this person? What could I do differently? Why can’t we make this work? As an avid people pleaser and peacekeeper, I have a constant desire to maintain harmony among those around me. Sometimes in the process of pleasing others, I become lost in a cycle of anxious thoughts. There is a fine line between pleasing others and taking care of your own needs. As much as I would like to think that I can always be well liked and make everyone happy, the reality is that there will be people that are hard to get along with and sometimes people won’t like us no matter how much we try. When this happens, what can we do to stop the cycle of anxious thoughts? For me, mindfulness practices can be particularly helpful. I recently came across a writer who suggested using the acronym “OPEN” to process these anxious people pleasing thoughts. Kimberly Diaz-Rosso suggests the following: O = Observe Notice the feelings in your mind and body. First name the reactions that your body is experiencing, such as increased breathing or feeling a pit in of your stomach. Then notice your thinking and name those feelings – worry, fear, etc. Journaling these observations can also be helpful. P = Peace Use comforting words to bring peace to your mind and body. Examples: “I am deeply hurt and its ok to feel the way I do.” “What other people say and do is about them, not me.” You may even consider writing your chosen phrases down where you will see them as a reminder. E = Enjoy Take a deep breath and be still in the calmness of mind and body. N = Nature Say: “The moment has passed and now I am at peace. This is my true nature.” If you practice another faith, I encourage you to incorporate those teachings into this “OPEN” framework. It may provide more peace and meaning for you. You are not alone in the cycle of anxious thoughts. Take moment to acknowledge these thoughts, process, and release. We would love to hear what has worked for you! Be kind to yourself today. Author: Crystal You can read Kimberly Diaz-Rosso full article here.

Self Forgiveness

Forgiveness /
Crystal / June 2, 2020

The warmer whether is here and it’s what we look forward to all winter. Yet for me the change in temperature comes with a drastic change in energy level. I can feel the heaviness in my legs, arms, feet, and eyes. Lifting one foot in front of the other feels impossible at times. The heaviness consumes my mind if am not careful. It is easy to feel the helplessness creep in.  We are quick to offer grace and forgiveness to friends or others when they have “less productive” days or challenging times and yet we don’t offer ourselves the same courtesy. Let’s change that! Here are a few tips toward self forgiveness: 1. Acknowledge. What areas in your life do you need to offer yourself forgiveness? And what areas do you need to offer acceptance? There is a difference between these two. For example, I should not feel guilt over the low energy that comes with summer. This is out of my control and accepting this part of me helps to let go of some of the pressure. And I should forgive myself for the negative self-talk that might come with it. The way I talk to myself and treat my body is within my control. When I choose to speak poorly about myself, this is not healthy or helpful.  2.Forgive. Once you have identified those ineffective and harmful actions you are making to your body. Spend some time thinking about what is helpful and what is harmful then offer forgiveness to yourself for those harmful things. 3. Change. Make realistic changes to your thoughts and actions. Give yourself permission to start small. For me, I may not have energy to do all the things that I can in the cooler months but I can be kind to myself and develop a more realistic plan. It might mean that I don’t get all the active work-outs or projects done, but I can choose to continue to eat foods that make my body feel good. In what areas will you offer yourself forgiveness this week? How might you use these steps to process? Let’s be kind to our minds and bodies and allow ourselves space to make mistakes, to process those mistakes, and to make plans to do better. 

Crystal’s Journey

MH Awareness, You are not alone /
Crystal / May 5, 2020

#YouAreNotAlone #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth How has mental illness impacted your life? This question for me is a difficult one to answer. Mostly because mental illness has been so subtly dangerous throughout my life. It is hard for me to decipher the irregular thoughts and moods from the normal human emotions. I tend to cycle through anxiety, depression, and a healthy mind. From the outside, I may look the same on a good day, anxious day, or depressed day. Anxiety impacts my life through hypervigilance, the constant awareness of threats or danger. With this comes other common symptoms of anxiety such as difficulty breathing, racing thoughts, unwanted thoughts, and irritability. Depression for me often results in low motivation, lack of interest in anyone or anything, social isolation, and overwhelming hopelessness. Anxiety and depression have been at the base of my mind and left unmanaged have resulted in escalated complications with my health. I have experienced eating disorders, compassion fatigue, post-traumatic stress disorder, and physical symptoms leading to ER and hospital visits. The thoughts of “others have it worse off than me” and “my issues are so minor compared to the issues others have” led to dismissive behavior. I often ignored the warning signs and denied my mind and body of the healing and treatment it was so desperately craving. What does mental health look like for you? Mental health for me is not the absence of symptoms, rather it is in my ability to manage these symptoms. Just like physical health must be maintained, so does mental health. The things that keep my mind in a healthy place depend on the season of life and the symptoms I am experiencing. Journaling, prayer, therapy, meditation, yoga, walks, scheduling quiet times, and communicating to the people around me what I need, all contribute to a health mind for me. On days that I feel anxiety or depression symptoms heighten, it helps me to make a list for the day. The list might be a to-do list for the day or a reminder of what helps me cope with depression or anxiety. If depression or anxiety is heavy that day, my list might be quite simple such as get dressed, wash my face, brush my teeth, and step outside. Some days are good, and some days are hard. The kindest thing I can do for myself is offer my mind and body grace on the hard days.

Don’t Offer Platitudes

Support for Family and Friends /
Crystal / March 10, 2020

In the fall of 2017, my world had been turned upside down. Depression, marital separation, and hopelessness made surviving each day seem impossible. I vividly remember standing in my kitchen wondering if my legs could continue to hold me up. As I leaned my back against the counter, my head was spinning from unwanted thoughts. I lowered myself to the ground and buried my head into my arms. My mom, who was visiting that evening, walked over and sat down next to me. I don’t remember the words she said, it was her presence and willingness to sit in the uncomfortable pain of the moment that stands out. The willingness to help carry the heartache. I’m not sure now long we sat there, but when I did stand up, my eyes were drawn to a card from a close friend. Amongst other words of encouragement it said “Don’t be afraid to feel the feels.” We as a society tend to be afraid to feel the hard stuff. It’s often easier to offer platitudes rather than holding space for the person to process. Platitudes are oversimplified phrases that are used to calm our minds or provide reassurance especially during difficult times. We may find ourselves saying things like: “Good things come to those who wait.” or “Time heals all wounds” or “Everything happens for a reason” or “Everything always works out in the end.” While some platitudes may hold truth, they don’t allow the mind to process the necessary emotions. These simple phrases may also minimize someone’s pain, causing them to feel unheard or dismissed. Instead of common platitudes hold space, be comfortable with silence,  offer grace for the hard days, and most importantly don’t be afraid of hard emotions. They are a gift that allow healing. Author: Crystal

Savor the Moment

Love. Joy. Kindness /
Crystal / November 25, 2019

Slowly I open the door to the bedroom that our two sweet boys share. I tiptoe quietly across the room past the empty bed of our 5 year old, who has already been up for hours on this dark fall morning. Peering into the crib on the far side of the room, I see our one year old sound asleep. I rub his back before I gently lift him out of the crib. He has no interest in waking up and without openning his eyes he snuggles into me. His gentle breathing combines with the soft music on the radio playing in the room.  These are the moments I want to remember. Our lives may be full of chaos and uncertainty much of the time, but taking a few minutes to pause in the sweet moments of life can remind us just how much we have to be thankful for.  I close my eyes, take deep breath in, and memorize this moment. Intentionally noticing the feelings and sensations around me. Often my day is consumed with worry, rushed schedules, and stressors. The practice of gratitude can be a challenging at times. Truly taking in the things that bring joy, helps to calm my day. What moments do you want to pause and savor today?  Even on days when it’s hard to be thankful, take a moment to pause on something good and stay there for a while. Author: Crystal

Protecting those that Protect Us

PTSD, Self Worth, Support for Family and Friends /
Crystal / November 11, 2019

This past week I heard the devastating news that two Minnesota police officers died by suicide. My heart breaks for what these men experienced in the days, months, and years leading up to their final moments. The tears quietly fall from my eyes as I think about the family they left behind. As I let the tears fall, I reflect back to a time, in the not so distant past, where I wondered if today would be the day that I would get that call. Several times I had wondered, “Would today be the day that someone shows up at my house to tell me that my husband died by suicide?” Fortunately for me, that moment never came. Later I would find out that my fears were too close to becoming reality.  My husband spent 12 years serving in the Minnesota Army National Guard. It is here that he would make life long friends and find purpose in serving his country. It is also where he would witness horrific and tragic events that no human should ever have to see.  Coming home he would suffer in silence as he relived the tragedies. During the day simple conversations or things in his environment would trigger memories. At night it was the nightmares that felt too real.  Suicide is not selfish.  Living in the constant place of trauma is unbearable and affects every moment of life. My husband would later tell me that he firmly believed that his family would be better off without him as a burden to daily life. He believed that because of the things he experienced and did during his time overseas, that the world didn’t need him around.  He saw suicide as a selfless act to spare others from the monster he believed himself to be.  I’ll never forget the day my husband opened up about his experiences; calling himself worthless. This strong, brave protector couldn’t see the hero that I saw.  The men and women that are called to protect us on U.S. ground or overseas come in different forms; military branches, police officers, and first responders. As a community indebted to these men and women, we need to rally together to protect those that are called to protect us.  Take a first step in showing that support by learning more about what these men and women go through. Research things to say and not say when you have the opportunity to have a conversation with them.  Show them the love and support they deserve.  In honor of Veteran’s Day, take some time to learn how you, as a community member, can help those that protect you every day.  Not sure where to start? See the articles linked below. 💜 Author: Crystal How to talk to and support a Vet: https://warontherocks.com/2017/11/how-to-talk-to-a-veteran/ https://www.brainline.org/article/caring-veteran-ptsd-what-do-you-need-know Caregiver Resources: http://www.caregiver.va.gov/ Impact Stories from Police and Veteran: https://theofficernextdoor.com/2018/07/26/its-not-normal/ https://hopeinahopelessworld.com/2018/08/12/survivors-guilt-guest-author-job-w/

Look who’s up!

Communication, Parenting, You are not alone /
Crystal / November 3, 2019

I climbed up the steep stairs of my grandparents lake house. I wondered if anyone is awake yet, in this dark quiet house. As my small child size legs reached the top of the stairs, I could smell the fresh brewed coffee and the familiar sounds of the news playing on the TV in the background. “Well look who’s up!” I can still see the big grin on my papa’s smiling face, as he turned toward me. That simple statement and excitement still makes my heart feel warm and my spirit feel welcomed. Today, I am sitting in my dark living room, reflecting back on this short by rich memory. I would be embarrassed to admit that I am dreading the moment my children wake up. I love my children dearly, it’s just that I am so physically and mentally exhausted. Taking care of my own needs is hard enough on days like these. I think of the way that the welcoming words of my papa in those early mornings uplifted my spirit and still do even after he has passed on. A gentle reminder that the words and attitude that I use toward my children can have lasting impacts. My mind and body may be tired, but a simple smile and friendly morning greeting seems doable. Taking a deep breath in, I enjoy the last few minutes of silence. Hearing the rustling of blankets being thrown off and little feet scurrying down the hallway, I look toward the noise to see my 5 year old rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “You are awake! Good morning buddy.” I say with a smile. His immediate grin is followed by rushing over for snuggles on the couch. Not every morning starts like this. Sometimes I forget that my words have great meaning to my kids. When I stop to pay attention, it amazes me how much my actions and words influence my small family. What have you noticed in the world around you? How have your actions and words influenced others? The simple words of my papa in days long ago still play in my mind. What words of yours will play in the minds of others? Choose kindness. Choose to uplift even if all you can do that day is lend a smile. It’s the small everyday actions that go a long way. Author: Crystal

Forgiveness is a Process

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 28, 2019

After something painful happens there are natural emotions and physical reactions that occur.  If we act on anger or ignore those reactions, we can make our pain worse.  Forgiveness is for you, it’s not for anyone else.  Forgiveness offers freedom and healing, so how do we get a place of forgiveness after something tragic? Forgiveness is a process. A process that should not be rushed. 1.Understand Forgiveness. Forgiveness often gets confused with other things. Forgiveness is not trust, reconciliation, or weakness.  There are changes in your mind and heart that can lead to reconciliation and trust can be built over time. However, those are steps that can be sorted out with that person at a later time. Forgiveness takes great strength that comes from within. Understanding forgiveness is the first step in the process. 2.Feel your emotions. Don’t rush into forgiveness.  You were hurt and likely faced unfair circumstances that no one deserves.  It’s never ok for someone to hurt you.  Mourn your disappointments. Feel the anger, the heartbreak, and the sadness. Find ways to release the emotions in healthy ways. Don’t make life changing decisions during this time. Take a step back, retreat to safety, and process those emotions. 3.Find stress management and coping techniques. While it’s important to allow time to feel our emotions, sometimes we can ruminate on events that happened. Replaying the pain over and over in our mind. When this happens, it can be important to distract your mind. Schedule time to feel and process and then stop. It might help to set a timer and vent to a friend and then choose a different activity after the timer is up. Or take out a journal and fill up a few pages and then go for a run, watch a movie, or something that will take your mind off the painful event. Find the stress management techniques that work best for you. 4.Confide in a friend. It’s hard to carry a heavy burden all on your own. Find someone in your circle of friends or family that you can tell. Having someone else know the struggles you are facing, can help lighten the load. It’s amazing what talking it out can do. 5.Focus on your actions. The actions of others are not within your control. Don’t wait for an apology or repentance. That’s their path to walk. We don’t have to let the people around us have control over our happiness. You get to choose forgiveness on your own terms. 6.Release feelings of revenge. To forgive is to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” Revenge or anger will not make you feel better. After you have actively worked at processing these emotions and allowed time to pass, release the anger. Redirect your mind to helpful, productive tasks. If anger continues to be a problem, seek help from someone that can help you work through the anger. Author: Crystal For more articles on Forgiveness, check out our Forgiveness Series.

Forgiveness is For You

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 13, 2019

My husband and I have shared our story many times. If you missed it you can read from his perspective here or mine here. The conversations that naturally follow are filled with questions and wonder. “How could you forgive something like that?” “How do you know it wont happen again?” “Isn’t that hard to live with?” “How can you trust after that?” “I couldn’t do that if I were you.” The truth is: I didn’t think I could forgive something this big either. Every question that someone asks are the same questions I’ve asked myself. Each person comes in with there own story, background, and hurts. What I have learned along the way is this: Forgiveness if for you. It isn’t necessarily about the other person. Forgiveness is a personal journey that you can choose to take. This journey can be about forgiving someone else or choosing to forgive yourself. It’s important to remember that we have control over how we respond in painful situations. The hard truth is that you will be let down by someone at some point along the way. Not one person is perfect. Your best friend, your parents, teachers, siblings, or significant other will do something that causes you pain. No matter how big or small that event is you don’t have control over their actions. You do have control over how you respond. What will you choose? Will it be revenge and anger? Avoidance and withdrawal? Or maybe you could respond with mercy and forgiveness? However you choose, that response is yours. You own it. You have more control than you know. Revenge Revenge is the act of inflicting harm on someone else to get even. Payback is a natural response when we are hurting. It might feel good in the moment thinking of ways to make the other person feel the pain that you have experienced. When impulse for revenge is acted on, more hurt is added to our world. It will likely leave you feeling more hurt then before. You have now just allowed the original offender to cause you to do something that you normally would not do to another person. Avoidance Ignoring or avoiding the problem, might delay healing. Hurtful events need to be processed and discussed. Protection needs to be put into place to avoid further pain. Avoiding the painful event or person may cause that hurt to fester and grow inside you. This lets the pain from someone else to become bigger and more painful. Mercy To show mercy and forgiveness? Showing mercy is the act of compassion and forgiveness toward someone that is undeserving. It doesn’t mean that you let them out of their natural consequences or immediately trust again. It’s to maintain kindness and wish no harm to them. This is freeing! This allows you to use your strength to overcome. You get to choose to let the pain and hurt stop with you. You get to control how much that pain filters your body. It allows you to stop searching for ways to “make it right” and choose to let go. Choose forgiveness and add light into your world. You have the strength to stop letting the actions of others effect your joy. Author: Crystal You might also be interested in:

Forgiveness is Not…

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 5, 2019

Forgiveness is one of those confusing, hard to explain, and hard to wrap your head around terms. They hurt me, why should I have to do anything? Forgiveness can heal past or present hurts, so it’s extra important that we don’t confuse forgiveness for something that it is not. Forgiveness is Not… 1.Reconciliation. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Sometimes forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. However, you can choose to forgive and choose to not associate with that person at the same time. Sometimes you have to choose to forgive and move on in order to protect yourself and heal from the pain. 2.Agreement with the person or group that hurt you. Forgiveness is not agreement. It does not mean that you agree or condone their actions. Psychologists define forgiveness as “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” The person that hurt you might not deserve forgiveness. They have to live with their poor choices and find their own peace with those decisions. You don’t have to change your morals and agree with those choices. 3.Saying what they did is ok. Forgiveness is not saying what they did is ok. Much like forgiveness does not require you to agree with their actions, it also does not require you to say that it is ok. It’s not ok for someone to cause harm to you. If someone accidently bumps into you, you might sincerely mean that it is fine that they did that, but we can’t apply this phrase to all situations. Somethings will just never be ok for someone to do. 4.Trust. Forgiveness is not trust. Trust is something that is earned over time. When trust is broken, it may take a while to rebuild. After you choose to forgive someone you may or may not build trust over time. It is possible to forgive someone and then decide later if you are willing or able to trust them. 5.Weakness. Forgiveness is not weakness. In fact forgiveness builds great strength and resilience. It is a hard task to complete. If you can reach a point of forgiveness for those that hurt you, you take back control over the situation. Forgiveness gives you strength and control in your life. 6.Letting someone out of their consequences. Forgiveness is not letting someone out of their consequences. Justice and consequences are different than revenge. Without consequences for poor actions we would never learn. Consequences are a good thing. They help us grow and learn right from wrong. Revenge is wishing the worst for someone or intentionally seeking to do wrong to them. This is not helpful for anyone involved. When you think of forgiveness it is important to remove the pre-conceived ideas that often get associated with forgiveness. Sometimes there is pressure to quickly let go, forget that you were hurt, and move on. Forgiveness is a process that leads to great healing. Take your time to learn the true meaning of forgiveness, and allow your hurt to heal. Author: Crystal Look for more articles on forgiveness in our May Forgiveness Series You might also be interested in: