Forgiveness is Not…
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is one of those confusing, hard to explain, and hard to wrap your head around terms.
They hurt me, why should I have to do anything?
Forgiveness can heal past or present hurts, so it’s extra important that we don’t confuse forgiveness for something that it is not.
Forgiveness is Not…
1.Reconciliation.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Sometimes forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. However, you can choose to forgive and choose to not associate with that person at the same time. Sometimes you have to choose to forgive and move on in order to protect yourself and heal from the pain.
2.Agreement with the person or group that hurt you.
Forgiveness is not agreement. It does not mean that you agree or condone their actions. Psychologists define forgiveness as “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” The person that hurt you might not deserve forgiveness. They have to live with their poor choices and find their own peace with those decisions. You don’t have to change your morals and agree with those choices.
3.Saying what they did is ok.
Forgiveness is not saying what they did is ok. Much like forgiveness does not require you to agree with their actions, it also does not require you to say that it is ok. It’s not ok for someone to cause harm to you. If someone accidently bumps into you, you might sincerely mean that it is fine that they did that, but we can’t apply this phrase to all situations. Somethings will just never be ok for someone to do.
4.Trust.
Forgiveness is not trust. Trust is something that is earned over time. When trust is broken, it may take a while to rebuild. After you choose to forgive someone you may or may not build trust over time. It is possible to forgive someone and then decide later if you are willing or able to trust them.
5.Weakness.
Forgiveness is not weakness. In fact forgiveness builds great strength and resilience. It is a hard task to complete. If you can reach a point of forgiveness for those that hurt you, you take back control over the situation. Forgiveness gives you strength and control in your life.
6.Letting someone out of their consequences.
Forgiveness is not letting someone out of their consequences. Justice and consequences are different than revenge. Without consequences for poor actions we would never learn. Consequences are a good thing. They help us grow and learn right from wrong. Revenge is wishing the worst for someone or intentionally seeking to do wrong to them. This is not helpful for anyone involved.
When you think of forgiveness it is important to remove the pre-conceived ideas that often get associated with forgiveness. Sometimes there is pressure to quickly let go, forget that you were hurt, and move on. Forgiveness is a process that leads to great healing. Take your time to learn the true meaning of forgiveness, and allow your hurt to heal.
Author: Crystal
Look for more articles on forgiveness in our May Forgiveness Series
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