On March 10th, 2018 my life looked completely different. I was a train wreck knowing what I had to do later that afternoon. I was going to have a talk with my wife whom I had been separated from for 6 months. I was positive she would tell me to leave again and want the divorce. This was the day I told my wife that I had an affair and as a result there was a baby on the way.

It was my fault that our relationship had been destroyed. How could I have screwed up so badly.  I had everything and I lost all of it.

It all started with the unwanted thoughts associated with war. They would haunt me day and night. I thought no one would understand the pain I was in. I began to self-medicate with alcohol, overworking, and withdrawing from all relationships.

The choices that I made spiraled out of control. It happened so quickly, before I knew it, I was someone I didn’t at all recognize. The shame of my actions sent me spiraling into more isolation and led to more and more mistakes.

I started to believe all the lies that began cycling in my head.

I believe that my wife hated me. None of my family or friends would ever speak to me again. No one would ever understand me. I believed that I was worthless, my life was over, and that I would never know happiness again. That they would be better off if I died. I wondered if there was any value to my life.

The person I had become was one that no one would recognize. I hated myself so how could I blame anyone for hating me.

I envisioned crying, yelling, condemnation, divorce, losing the love of my life along with my child, and everything that we built together.

I pictured all my family and friends turning their backs on me. After all, I had done the unforgiveable. The one thing that no one could ever forgive.

Of all the scenarios that I played over and over in my head, the truth that played out was nothing that I could have imagined.

After 2 hours of me talking and my wife listening, letting me get everything out before she responded, my wife told me that she forgave me. The first thoughts I had was: “How? I wouldn’t forgive me how can you? Am I dreaming right now?” I was in shock from the response, never once did I think that would ever happen.

She told me that she wanted me to come home.

She said we would work on our marriage, we would have partial custody of the new baby, that we would figure things out together, and we would repair our life.

On that day I was given a second chance at life. This time I am bound and determined to make the most of every day. Prove to my wife and my boys that I am worth it.

Together we leaned into our family, our church, and developed a plan for healing. One year later, there is hope and life in every breath that I take.

Some days are long and hard even now, but I have purpose and happiness even in the hard days.

That’s what I look back at one year ago. Now today after being diagnosed with and treated for combat PTSD, major depression, agoraphobia of crowds, and OCD I can separate what is real and what’s in my head(most days that is). I went 10 years without believing in God. Which for me, I grew up in faith and believed in God until I went overseas. Now I have found that faith again and it is so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. My bond with my wife is so much stronger and better than ever before. I’m back to being me. My family and friends have all welcomed me back and welcomed our new family of four. Our family is different than the traditional family, but it’s ours.

Author: Job W.

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