Why did I make it, and he didn’t?

Why would God spare me and not him?

Why do his kids and wife have to suffer, when it could have been me instead?

If only I had been there, I could have saved him.

I deserved to die, he did not.

These are the questions and thoughts that have haunted me for 10 years.

On March 30, 2008 I was preparing for the next mission but at the last minute, I was pulled off the mission. My commander said that I needed to rest, I had been out on too many missions. The decision was made so against my protests, another solider took my place that day. I headed back to my trailer to sleep.

Hours later I woke up and headed over to “The TOC” to find out what I would be doing next. Walking into the building a buddy of mine pulled me outside and gave me the news. The truck I should have been on was hit by a roadside bomb. My truck partner didn’t make it. I did nothing to save him. I was asleep, completely helpless to my unit.

If only I would have pushed harder to be on that mission, then I could have saved him. If I were in the truck, he would have lived. All would have been made right. If only I was on that truck.

Joining the military, I set out to take part in protecting my country and maintaining a sense of justice and fairness. I knew the risks, I was prepared to accept the consequences of serving my country. What I was not prepared for was the amount of guilt I would feel for surviving. What is fair about losing the life of a solider, who was a husband, father, friend. At this time in my life, I did not have kids, I wasn’t married yet. In my mind, if anyone had to die it should have been me. Less people would be impacted by my death then his. Sure, my fiancé, parents, and family would be sad, but it was less sad than a child losing his father, and a wife her husband.

My world view changed after this event. Instead of seeing a fair and just world, I saw an unfair, and terrible place. A place where it’s every man for himself. A place where there couldn’t possibly be a God who cares.

15 months after this moment, I was back home and about to marry the woman of my dreams. I felt undeserving of marriage. What makes me worthy of having a happily married life, when it should have been me that died on the battle field?

Ten years later, I am still struggling with what some call Survivor’s Guilt.

It is impossible to make sense of tragedy in this world. Impossible to figure out why some people are affected in tragedy and others are not. For many years, I allowed this guilt of surviving war to influence my day to day life. The truth is that the guilt was hiding the real emotion underneath. The overwhelming sadness that I felt after seeing war and the senseless loss of soldiers. Instead of dealing with the sadness, it came out in anger and guilt.

The other harsh reality is while my soon-to-be wife, parents, and friends were celebrating my return and the up-coming wedding, I did not share in their joy. Instead of seeing the value that I brought to my family and friends, I took this for granted and continued to believe that I was not a worthy part of the family. I saw myself as a mistake. A mistake that didn’t deserve to be celebrated.

It took significant hardships, regretful decisions, treatment, and unconditional love of those around me to see myself as a worthy. As someone that deserves life and happiness.

For those that may be struggling with Survivor’s Guilt, related to war or other events, I would encourage you to learn from my mistakes. Don’t wait 10 years to address the guilt and pain.  Look at the truth of the situation, look for the true emotions attached to the guilt, and look at all the family and friends that you have around you. Family and friends that would be devastated by losing you. Cherish relationship with them, because you are worthy of them. Surviving does not make you less worthy. Take care of your mental health, it’s just as important as physical health. Find ways to give back to those around you through volunteer work or helping others in your day to day life.

I have to believe that I survived for a reason. I have to believe that his death was not for nothing. I owe it to all the soldiers that didn’t make it back, to cherish every moment of life. Valuing life instead of dwelling in the pain.

There is no shame in surviving. Feeling guilty will not replace the heartbreak. Learning to cope and address the heartbreak is the only way to truly heal from the pain.

To my fellow soldiers, if you are looking for places to reach out, see the resources listed below. Use the strength and courage that I know you have to get connected.

Author: Job W.

Resources for Vets: 

• Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1)
• https://www.veteranscrisisline.net 
• https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/
• https://hopeinahopelessworld.com/contact/

Resources for Families: 

• https://www.caregiver.va.gov/