Hope in a Hopeless World

Mental Health Outreach

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Depression is Not the New You

Depression /
Crystal / November 10, 2018

I sprang out of bed at 5:55am before my alarm, before the dogs, before my husband, and yes even before my 4-year-old. I briskly walked into the kitchen, started brewing the coffee, and then gazed out the back window. There was a light snow that had covered the ground and a farmer working in the field behind my house. I love this time of day, the quiet hours in the morning where I can reflect on my life. I allowed the positive energy and contentment to wash over me. To think that there was a time in my life that I thought my energy would never come back and that I would be lost in a world of panic forever. How thankful I am that I was wrong. When Depression, PTSD, and Vicarious Trauma had its control over me, I felt like a completely different person. The new me had no energy, no sleep, and no compassion. Getting out of bed was a chore let alone cooking, cleaning, being a wife, or a mom. Every day I could feel the weight of the day slowly closing in on me. Thoughts about quitting my job, leaving my husband, re-homing the dogs, and running away from all life responsibilities felt like the only way I was going to survive. The new me couldn’t handle my old life. Couldn’t handle the responsibilities. Truth be told, I didn’t think anything could ever “fix” me. It felt like I needed to change my lifestyle instead of addressing my mental health. I had spent the last several years as a Social Worker convincing other people to seek treatment for their mental illness. Yet when it was my turn to face the battles of mental illness I was in denial. “My mental illness isn’t as bad as theirs was.”“Treatment won’t work for me.”“No one understands what I am going through.”“I don’t see how talking about my feelings is going to help.”“I don’t have mental illness so why would I see a therapist?”“I am strong, I can overcome it on my own. I don’t need help.” The same excuses that I heard time and time again from others were quickly adapted as my own. Depression likes to tell us that there is no way out. But don’t believe the lies! This is not the new you. This is not how it will always be. Mental illness is treatable and there are people that will understand. Don’t let your mind be controlled by a chemical imbalance that can be treated. Use your strength and control to intentionally make changes to better your mental health. A strong mind knows that people are meant to work together. A strong person takes the step to schedule an appointment, continue with treatment, and heal their mind. If you are lost in the world of depression or mental illness, take the first step today. The great news is that treatment does work! Even better, you get to decide to take that step. You get to tell mental illness that you are stronger than the hold it has on your mind. Author: Crystal

Marriage is Hard

Featured, Love. Joy. Kindness, Marriage /
Crystal / November 1, 2018

“He isn’t the same person.”“I am not attracted to her anymore.”“He isn’t the person I would choose to marry, if I chose someone today.”“I can’t look at her without being angry.”“Life would be easier for all of us if we went our separate ways.”“But I am not in love anymore.”“I feel numb, I don’t care what happens to my marriage.” Ever feel this way about your spouse?The person that you thought you’d love forever? You are not alone. The natural progression of any relationship is the tendency to drift apart. The tendency to let the movement of life wash you away in a current so subtle that you don’t even know you are moving until you have moved so far that you are lost at sea. When you add the endless list of other waves that might enter the mix it’s no wonder relationships get so complicated that it feels impossible to find your way back. The American Psychological Association predicts that 40-50% of all marriages will end in divorce. American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy predict that 35-45% of all marriages will experience an affair at some point. Separation. Divorce. Affairs. Betrayal. Drift. Isolation. No one plans for any of these. No one dreams about betraying their spouse or building up walls that lead down the path of divorce. You don’t go from happily married to resentful overnight. If most marriages start out with the best of intensions and full of love, then why do almost half end in the tragedy of divorce? Where is the happily ever after that you dream about on your wedding day? Based on the alarming statistics, a marriage has a 50/50 chance at surviving, so what’s the point? These are very real questions that I struggled with when faced with the lowest point in my marriage. It was during this time that I learned that he had been unfaithful to our marriage and the talks of divorce would begin. This would also be the moment that we would both enter programs to treat our mental illness. After fully committing to my therapy, leaning into my family and friends, and truly seeking to reconcile my spiritual doubts, I was finally able to embrace one truth. A truth that would lead me to make decisions, that many would have a hard time understanding. The truth is: Love is a choice. A choice that no one could make for me. One that I alone had the power to decide. When I chose Love, I was able to see past the mistakes and see the situation for what it was. My husband and I had been in engulfed by separate, but similar waves of mental illness that caused our drift to expand steadily and rapidly. Our distorted view on life led to increased tensions, selfish thinking, and survival mode. Choosing to love even when trust was broken, was the turning point that allowed us to begin to repair our marriage. It also allowed me to heal, to tackle the problems head on and sort through the pain. It wasn’t a magic fix that erased all the pain, but it did allow for a starting point for forgiveness. Throughout our healing process, we quickly learned that we are not alone in our marriage struggles. We have heard from well respected family and friends that shared similar stories of heartbreak and trials. I think it is easy to look at the lives of others and think that everyone has it better than you do. To think that you are the only one that is experiencing hard times. Infidelity, separations, addictions, and other marital struggles happen far more often than what people will admit to. I don’t know where this story finds you in this journey of life. But whether you have been married one year or fifty years, divorced, separated, single, happily married, or hanging on by a thread, my hope is that where ever you are, you will know that you are seen. You are not alone. Marriage and relationships are hard for everyone. Tensions and problems that go unaddressed will slowly lead down a road of unhealthy thinking. It is never too late to turn back and address those problems head on. You have the power to choose what is best for you and to let go of all the opinions and judgments that others will place upon you. My fear of what others would think, almost paralyzed me. However, where I thought I would find judgement, I found encouragement. When I opened up about my struggles, I found a whole community of people that had similar struggles. You have the power to let love be your motivation in whatever season you are faced with today. Let’s choose today to start talking about the hard things and stop hiding. Let’s offer grace and unconditional love in place of fear and judgement. You have a spirit, not of fear, but of Power, Love, and Self-Control. Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you from choosing the best road for your life. Author: Crystal

They have it Worse

Love. Joy. Kindness /
Crystal / October 19, 2018

Normally I avoid watching the news. Instead of ruminating on the terrifying stories that have already happened, I prefer to use my time and energy intentionally uplifting and helping the small part of the world that I have the power to influence. Yet, heartbreaking stories still cross my path. Sometimes these stories will consume my mind. Stop me in my tracks and remind me of the broken world we live in. It is during these painful moments that guilt over my comfortable life sets in. Worry drives my choices. Anger turns to hopelessness. “They have it much worse than me. What do I have to complain about?” There is a big difference between being grateful for your blessings and letting the pain of the world stop you from taking care of yourself. Does the knowledge that someone else has it worse than you, make your pain less painful? Awareness of the trials and troubles others face allow us to feel the much-needed compassion, empathy, and sense of community. But with all things, balance is key. Examine your state of mind right now. If the brokenness of the world is consuming you, you may be headed down a road of helplessness, numbness, heartbreak, and confusion. This world needs your compassion and empathy. You will not be able to show your kindness to the world if you don’t first take care of your own battles. Your own brokenness. Much like you cannot lift someone up with a broken arm, you cannot influence your part of the world with a broken spirit. What worries, past events, or troubles do you need to face today? What steps can you take to face those fears to move forward with your life? We do not have a spirit of fear. Take the first brave step toward self-improvement so that you can shine a light on the broken world one step, one act, one person at a time. Author: Crystal

Morning Anxiety

Anxiety, Work Struggles, You are not alone /
Crystal / October 5, 2018

After I posted “Monday Morning Blues” I heard from many of you that share similar morning struggles. Thank you for sharing your heart and hardships with me. The very next Monday, I did call into work for debilitating anxiety and an overwhelming feeling of “I just can’t today.” Morning anxiety had struck again. It wasn’t just Mondays it was starting to be Every. Single. Day. Inspired by your shared experiences, I set out to find ways to decrease this anxiety. After some internet research and a consult in my weekly therapy appointment, I had created a list of simple changes. Changes that I set out to test in the following weeks. If you struggle with morning anxiety, I would encourage you to try a few of the tips below. Prepare for the morning the best you can the night before.For me this meant, sitting down and making a list of everything that I have to do in the morning and then moving as much as I could to the night before. This included picking out my clothes, picking out my child’s clothes, making sure my coffee mug was washed, pre-setting the coffee maker, getting my lunch ready, packing my child’s bag for school, showering, and picking up any items that I did not want chewed up by my loving, hyper, destructive dogs.The visual list also made it easy for me to communicate to my husband. When he asked what he could help with, there was a tangible list instead of an “I don’t know how you can help me.” Schedule Breaks!Make breaks a priority no matter what you are doing that day. In the last 30 minutes of my work day, I started writing out a to-do list for the next day. Attaching times to each item so that I would not overbook myself. Scheduling 15-minute breaks in the middle of that schedule, was a great way to break up my day. By creating my work to-do list and break schedule the night before, I did not wake up thinking about all the things I needed to get done. I knew that I had already prioritized the list the day before. Meditation. Faith. Relaxation. Settle your mind by focusing in on meditation, guided muscle relaxation, faith-based readings, journaling, deep breathing. It doesn’t take long to do a quick guided meditation or reading. Allow yourself to have 5-10 minutes to yourself and focus on quieting your mind. For me this included meditation on my favorite faith readings, verses, or listening to guided meditations. Sleep. Go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning. Including weekends. I didn’t think that as an adult I needed to have a “bedtime.” However, the routine of going to bed and waking up at the same time each day has provided much needed structure and habit to the weeks. Set a timer at night if you need to remind yourself it’s time to go to sleep. If falling asleep or staying asleep is difficult, seek help from a mental health provider or physician. Practice Positive ThinkingNegative thinking is a habit that needs to be broken. This can be changed by re-training our minds to positive thinking. Recognizing the negative thoughts for what they are and changing them to something positive is hard in the moment. Having encouragements and positives reminders hanging where you can read them in the mornings can be a subtle reminder. Instead of opening a social media app on the phone right away in the morning, I reach for a daily verse app for some positive support. If your anxiety becomes debilitation and interfering with your family life, your work, or other activities I would encourage you to seek help from a mental health professional or spiritual advisor. Talk to someone about your specific needs. Every person is different. Allow yourself to explore what works for you. Give yourself permission to be human, feel the low moments and be grateful for the small things. We are not alone in our morning struggles and we can take the control back. Author: Crystal

Tears of Joy

Love. Joy. Kindness /
Crystal / September 21, 2018

About one year ago today, I found myself in the darkness season of life. PTSD, Vicarious Trauma, Depression, and significant martial struggles had me feeling absolutely hopeless. It was during this time that I was invited to join Walk the Talk Missions on a trip to Ensenada, Mexico. I barely had the energy to get dressed in the morning, but some how I managed to pack my things, and board a plane marking the start of the journey. In the middle of my own personal tragedy, my heart was open to a world very different from my own. I was expecting the living conditions. The lack of shelter, the lack of food, the overall low quality of life. It is a quality of life that some face here in the United States and one that I am exposed to daily in my work as a social worker. But even so, the conditions were heartbreaking. There was one thing that took me by complete surprise. The Joy. The pure joy that this community embraced was unexpected. The joy on a little boy’s face when he received a small matchbox car. Or a little girl a backpack for school. Or an older boy when he received glasses for the first time. The joy the community had when they wrapped their arms around one another and held each other up. The joy the local pastor had as he spoke of the feeding program. One that feeds the community of kids a few times a week. And the hope that he holds onto that he will soon be able to feed them every day of the week. The joy that filled my heart during my lowest moments of life. In two short days, we came along side a single family and built them a home which would change the course of their life forever. Each board painted, each nail safely secured, and each wall that rose from the ground represented a new beginning. Where there was once a home which was made of cardboard, was now a secure house fully furnished with beds, pillows, blankets, and food. I walked into Ensenada, Mexico with tears of pain and anguish and left with tears of joy and hope. The people of Ensenada have very little, but they hold the key to happiness. Kindness, Love, Community, Hope. In one month, my husband and I will join my mom and several others on another trip with Walk the Talk Missions. Back to that same community in Ensenada where we will come along side another family and take part in creating security in the form of a new home. To bring a ray of hope to their world. There is a contagious joy that comes from tangible hope. To know that this family trusted and hoped that one day their needs would be met. To know that you are the person sent to bring hope, is the purest form of joy. I encourage you today to think of ways to spread this tangible ray of hope to those around you. Add joy to your life by spreading kindness, love, and community. Let’s band together as a community of people. Instead of tearing each other down, let’s hold each other up! Instead of looking the other way and placing blame on those that are suffering, let’s find ways to bring hope. You can’t change the world or even your community on your own, but if each of us do a small part, we can change it together.   Be the hope to someone that may feel hopeless today.  Your small act of kindness and love could change the course of their day, and it will certainly change the course of yours. If you would like to learn more about Walk the Talk Missions, visit their website listed below. www.walkthetalkmissions.com

Monday Morning Blues

Anxiety, Work Struggles, You are not alone /
Crystal / September 17, 2018

Monday Mornings. Enough said? Staring at my computer screen this morning, I wonder why I seem to hate my job on Mondays. There’s this sense of dread that comes the second I wake up. I like my job. Right? Waiting for my computer screen to turn on, I try to remember why I get up so early in the morning to tackle the long never-ending to-do lists. What’s the point? My mind becomes overwhelmed by the amount of emails, phone calls, voicemail messages, and stack of over-due tasks that are waiting for me. As I continue to watch the welcome screen-saver spin, my mind begins to plot ways to decrease my work hours. Should I call in to work today? Or is a career change needed? Should I work part-time? Maybe I am not enough. Searching for a pen to take notes on the voicemails received over the weekend, my eyes land on a gift from a friend. A small wooden sign that reads: Today I will be strong, brave, kind, and unstoppable. Today I will be fierce. A subtle reminder that I chose how I approach this day. Not my to-do list, not my voicemails, not even my mood. Quickly I use my pen to jot down the reasons that I chose to come to work this morning. I find renewed purpose in the big picture. Renewed power and control. I take a moment to be grateful for all the blessings that come from my job, before tackling today’s work. I am enough. I might not be perfect. I might have overwhelming moments or days. And I will have days of unproductivity. But I am enough. What are you showing up for today? It is a job? Stay at home parenting? A medical appointment? An interview? Home tasks? Are you at home feeling alone? Or overwhelmed by others this morning? You get to decide how you choose to tackle the day. You get to decide that you are enough today. Your worth is not measured by your abilities or productivity. Look for the hope that comes from within on this Monday morning. Make a list of what motivates you. And be at peace with tasks that go un-done today. Author: Crystal

The Highs. The Lows.

Anxiety, Depression, Featured, You are not alone /
Crystal / August 31, 2018

I love the days when my spirit is high, and my motivation level is in it’s prime. These are the days that I feel accomplished, not needing the reassurance or reminders of my worth. On my good days, I feel like a productive member of society. Yesterday was that day. Yesterday, I felt good about life. Today? Today, I woke up with a pit in my stomach, anxiety rising in my chest, and a cycle of inner voices telling me that I am not good enough. The house is still quiet, I walk over to the closet and stare at my clothes. Everything feels so far out of reach. After settling for jeans and a basic shirt, I find myself begging for energy, strength, motivation just to remain standing. Lowering myself to the ground, the tears cannot be stopped. Yesterday was a good day and today just started. What is my deal? No one should have to deal with me. No one should have to put up with my highs only to be disappointed by my extreme lows. The highs. The lows. Sometimes every day is a new battle. Those around me don’t know if they will get the cheerful, motivational, let’s tackle the world woman that they know and love, or the don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, don’t expect much of me woman that I know and dread. The low days sneak around the corner and remind me of my weaknesses. They often appear with no warning and leave me questioning my value. Leaving me tearful, resistant, distracted, and frustrated. The inner voice on the low days tells me to hide. Don’t let them see you. They don’t want to hear your troubles. It tells me that I am a burden to those around me. I have become an expert hider. I would win at the game of hide and seek when it’s emotions that we are hiding. I can bury my emotions so deep that no one will find them. But what is the value in hiding? Where does the motivation to hide our low feelings come from? If I had a cold, I would likely openly share my discomfort. I would feel no embarrassment or shame in telling those around me the reason for feeling out of sorts. The symptoms of a physical condition are easy to share, easy to point out, and easy to explain. The symptoms of mental illness or a low day, are not as easy to explain and can leave behind the feeling of isolation. The feeling that no one could possibly understand. I want you to hear this: You are not alone. You are not a burden. You have a right to feel the low days and share your pain. You do not have to hide. Don’t be embarrassed or afraid to let your true self shine. The highs, the lows, they do not define your worth. You are more then a sum of your emotions. Emotions are a part of being human. They are natural and beautiful. They allow us to express and release the tensions brewing inside. I know firsthand that it is difficult, and I would like to encourage you today to stop hiding and start sharing your real, raw, wonderfully made self with those closest to you. Author: Crystal

Power of Love

Love. Joy. Kindness, Parenting /
Crystal / August 24, 2018

It was one of those mornings. You know, the one where you wake up immediately cranky and feel like the whole universe is conspiring against you. It started as usual with our German Shepherd, Bailey, whining in my face impatiently asking to go outside. Which quickly led to our Pit Bull, Maggie, pouncing at my head joining efforts to get me out of bed. Grumbly all the way to the door, I hear “MOM! I can’t find my car!” Chase, our 3-year-old, frantically woke up. Opening the door to the backyard, the dogs race outside. My eyes were still sleepy, trying to take in the chaos of the morning. Chase is having a full on melt down by the time I get to his room. “My Car! It’s gone!” He wailed. “Hey bud, Your car is right here. It just fell on the floor.” “My car, my car, my car.” He remained inconsolable. “Chase,” holding the car up for him to see. “It’s right here.” “Oh.” He takes a deep breath in as the tears continued down his face. We stumbled through the morning with similar events. After struggling to get Chase dressed, shoes on, and buckled into the car seat. We are finally on our way to Chase’s pre-school. “Mom, mom, mama, mom, mom.” “Yes Chase?” “Mama. Mama. Mama.” “Yes Chase? What do you need?” “I want my car!” Chase whines. “Can you tell me why you don’t have your car right now?” “No. I was listening! I want my car. I want my car.” “CHASE JUST STOP!” I harshly yelled in a desperate attempt to stop the screaming. The screaming continued, as regret over my harsh tone, sinks in. “Fine. Here take it.” I place the car in the cup holder of his car seat. Before I know it, the red Lightening McQueen car comes straight past my head and hits the window with a loud thud. Taking a deep breath in, I remained quiet listening to the screams of my 3-year-old. How did this so quickly get out of hand? Pulling into the pre-school parking lot, I found a parking spot, and put the car in park. Turning my head, I take in the sight. Chase looked at me through tear-filled eyes. “I love you, Chase.” Instantly his screams stopped. His eyes got wide. “Oh.” He took in a few short breaths, gasping for air, trying to catch his breath. After several seconds, his little voice quietly cut through the now silent car. “I love you too mom.” “If you can tell me why you don’t have your car right now, I will happily give it back to you.” “Mom, I am so sorry I hit you and threw my car and didn’t listen.” Handing the car back to my son, I am quickly reminded how powerful love can be. My frustrations that morning led to my decision to take away toys, yell, and attempt to force my three-year-old to move along at my pace. All of which were met with resistance. When I was able to move my emotions from anger to love, that was the break through moment. That was the moment that I was able to get my three-year-old on board with me, moving in the same direction. What areas in your life could use a break through moment? Is it possible that love and kindness will begin to break ground in that impossible battle? We can’t control how others react to our kindness, but we can control our thoughts. Showing love and kindness even when undeserved will begin habits for healthy thinking. Letting go of the frustrations, the past mistakes, the resentment and choosing love is a great step in shifting your mindset. Shifting your habits to promote good mental health. Author: Crystal

Diets. Lifestyle. Body Image.

Body Image, Self Worth /
Crystal / August 17, 2018

Instantly the smell of freshly baked cookies finds me in the doorway. Following the scent, my nose tracks the smell to the kitchen where I find my husband carefully putting the finishing touches on his newest baking endeavor. “Thought I would surprise you with your favorite.” My husband smiles when he sees me in the entryway. Is there anything better than a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie right from the oven? Accepting his invitation to this heavenly cookie, my enjoyment comes to a crashing halt as soon as the cycle of negative self-talk comes rushing in. Should you really be eating this? This isn’t the healthiest of choice, now is it? Your husband made them for you so now you are forced to put bad food choices into your body. Two cookies should really be your limit. Well you didn’t eat a very health lunch, so maybe you should limit yourself to one cookie. You’ve probably gained five pounds just in that first bite. If only I would have eaten healthier earlier today, then I wouldn’t feel so guilty about eating these cookies. All this guilt and shame that I heap upon myself over one simple cookie. Instead of being overjoyed that my husband took the time to bake my favorite, my thoughts are consumed with worry. When did certain foods become “bad” and certain foods become “good?” And when did the “bad” foods translate to “you are bad, because you eat that.” How often do we judge ourselves and those around us on the food choices that we make? Or talk openly at social events about which foods are good and healthy and which foods are bad and shouldn’t be touched? How often do we allow the guilt over eating the “right” foods dictate our choices? We allow our food choices to dictate which social events we attend, the time of day we can eat, or even the value we place on ourselves. Somehow our culture has convinced us that if we eat certain foods, we are of more value then another person that eats other types of foods. Healthy choices have been linked to good mental and physical health. But what do healthy choices really look like? A simple google search will produce thousands of articles on dieting, health eating, and lifestyle change. Each one claiming to have the key to happier, healthier lives. While eating each food group in moderation may have some nutritional benefits, at what point does our “healthy eating” become “food shaming?” And at what point does our “healthy eating” began to lower our quality of life? The food we eat should not define our worth as a person. Often, we allow food to do just that. Perhaps we need to re-examine what healthy looks like. Our mental and physical health should always become before our desire to change our physical appearance. Think about the last time you felt guilty about food, decided to start your next diet trend, or hit up the gym. Was your motivation strictly to improve your mental and physical health? Or was the motivation to change your outward appearance the driving force? Every person has the power to define what healthy looks like for them. I would encourage you today to re-examine your motivations for healthy living. Begin to implement changes that will improve your mental and physical health. And stop shaming yourself and others over what food you choose to eat or not eat. Let’s begin to view each person as an individual and recognize that healthy looks different for each person. Give yourself grace today, remind yourself that you are in control. You have a spirit of power and of love. Use that to build others up, and most of all use it to build up yourself!

Survivor’s Guilt

PTSD, You are not alone /
Job W / August 12, 2018

Why did I make it, and he didn’t? Why would God spare me and not him? Why do his kids and wife have to suffer, when it could have been me instead? If only I had been there, I could have saved him. I deserved to die, he did not. These are the questions and thoughts that have haunted me for 10 years. On March 30, 2008 I was preparing for the next mission but at the last minute, I was pulled off the mission. My commander said that I needed to rest, I had been out on too many missions. The decision was made so against my protests, another solider took my place that day. I headed back to my trailer to sleep. Hours later I woke up and headed over to “The TOC” to find out what I would be doing next. Walking into the building a buddy of mine pulled me outside and gave me the news. The truck I should have been on was hit by a roadside bomb. My truck partner didn’t make it. I did nothing to save him. I was asleep, completely helpless to my unit. If only I would have pushed harder to be on that mission, then I could have saved him. If I were in the truck, he would have lived. All would have been made right. If only I was on that truck. Joining the military, I set out to take part in protecting my country and maintaining a sense of justice and fairness. I knew the risks, I was prepared to accept the consequences of serving my country. What I was not prepared for was the amount of guilt I would feel for surviving. What is fair about losing the life of a solider, who was a husband, father, friend. At this time in my life, I did not have kids, I wasn’t married yet. In my mind, if anyone had to die it should have been me. Less people would be impacted by my death then his. Sure, my fiancé, parents, and family would be sad, but it was less sad than a child losing his father, and a wife her husband. My world view changed after this event. Instead of seeing a fair and just world, I saw an unfair, and terrible place. A place where it’s every man for himself. A place where there couldn’t possibly be a God who cares. 15 months after this moment, I was back home and about to marry the woman of my dreams. I felt undeserving of marriage. What makes me worthy of having a happily married life, when it should have been me that died on the battle field? Ten years later, I am still struggling with what some call Survivor’s Guilt. It is impossible to make sense of tragedy in this world. Impossible to figure out why some people are affected in tragedy and others are not. For many years, I allowed this guilt of surviving war to influence my day to day life. The truth is that the guilt was hiding the real emotion underneath. The overwhelming sadness that I felt after seeing war and the senseless loss of soldiers. Instead of dealing with the sadness, it came out in anger and guilt. The other harsh reality is while my soon-to-be wife, parents, and friends were celebrating my return and the up-coming wedding, I did not share in their joy. Instead of seeing the value that I brought to my family and friends, I took this for granted and continued to believe that I was not a worthy part of the family. I saw myself as a mistake. A mistake that didn’t deserve to be celebrated. It took significant hardships, regretful decisions, treatment, and unconditional love of those around me to see myself as a worthy. As someone that deserves life and happiness. For those that may be struggling with Survivor’s Guilt, related to war or other events, I would encourage you to learn from my mistakes. Don’t wait 10 years to address the guilt and pain.  Look at the truth of the situation, look for the true emotions attached to the guilt, and look at all the family and friends that you have around you. Family and friends that would be devastated by losing you. Cherish relationship with them, because you are worthy of them. Surviving does not make you less worthy. Take care of your mental health, it’s just as important as physical health. Find ways to give back to those around you through volunteer work or helping others in your day to day life. I have to believe that I survived for a reason. I have to believe that his death was not for nothing. I owe it to all the soldiers that didn’t make it back, to cherish every moment of life. Valuing life instead of dwelling in the pain. There is no shame in surviving. Feeling guilty will not replace the heartbreak. Learning to cope and address the heartbreak is the only way to truly heal from the pain. To my fellow soldiers, if you are looking for places to reach out, see the resources listed below. Use the strength and courage that I know you have to get connected. Author: Job W. Resources for Vets:  Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) https://www.veteranscrisisline.net  https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/ https://hopeinahopelessworld.com/contact/ Resources for Families:  https://www.caregiver.va.gov/