Hope in a Hopeless World

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My Motherhood Truth

Parenting, You are not alone /
Natalie Brandt / October 9, 2019

Today I felt like I was not enough. Not enough patience. Not enough kindness. Not enough of me to meet the needs of others. Today I yelled. Today I cried. Today I wanted to just close my eyes. I didn’t want to find the positivity. I couldn’t sort through my exhaustion and frustration to pivot. I was just in it. In the yuck. One of those days when I felt like everything was going to bubble up and over at the most inopportune moment… right in the middle of a quiet library, of course. A pile of books to check out, soaking wet from the rain, fumbling through my receipts shoved into a disorganized wallet for the library card that is admittedly used too infrequently. And, of course, a child who was whining at a high volume due to a sudden development of a strong distaste for my lack of backpack water bottle selection and couldn’t wait a second longer for me to unearth a new option. This was coupled with a second child who was trying to wrestle her in his efforts to remind her to be quiet in the library. I don’t care which badges of honor you wear… a mom of one, mom of ten, working mom, stay at home mom, master of the family domain, new mom, seasoned mom, deliriously exhausted mom to a newborn, master referee and professional negotiator to toddlers, professional chauffeur to busy teens, or first time empty nest mom who is lying awake at night longing for her home to be filled with noise and chaos again. We are all mothers. We all have both the hardest job and most beautiful job available to human kind. I know these are the years to cherish. I know they will go quickly. It’s not lost on me how blessed I am. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I love my children with all of my heart. But sometimes in a world of social media highlights and relentless positivity, we have to be okay experiencing the yuck and be okay with not being okay. And be willing to say that out loud. I say this to all the mamas who may just need to know you’re not alone. Behind the smiles, behind the social media highlights, behind it all, we all have our moments of doubt, frustration, too muchery (this is what happens when I am only one cup of coffee in… I make up words). This is when we need to remember to give one another grace, gift each other with a smile, and forgive ourselves for today is a new day. Mamas, I see you. I hear you. I know you have your days too. And on those days, know you are not alone. Thank God for new days. Author: Natalie Brandt

Worst Day

Parenting, You are not alone /
Elizabeth / July 22, 2019

Not long before celebrating his eighth birthday a few weeks ago, my son asked me, “Mom, have you had a worst day of your life?” We were out kayaking on an overcast, yet calm afternoon and the question really caught me off guard. While I could think of several days that I would consider my worst, some incredibly recent and others not so much, there wasn’t really anything that was appropriate to share with his sweet innocent heart. I paused to choose my words carefully and briefly answered, “Oh I’ve had some pretty bad days honey, but nothing that God hasn’t been able to make better.” As vague as the answer was, it was the truth…at least eventually.  Now, if one of my good friends had asked me this same question, I would have responded much differently. I would have explained the great pain and heartache that I experienced within weeks of the birth of my son. The feelings of euphoria and superwoman power and energy during and shortly after my pregnancy, and then the debilitating crash in the aftermath.  I would have confided about the recollections of my psychiatric hospitalization and the long road of recovery that followed. While these are not the sort of memories I enjoy reminiscing about, I choose to share my story with others. Especially if I think it can help the person on the receiving end somehow. I truly believe there is power in my story. In every person’s story. At a recent service, our pastor spoke about how God takes our broken lives and pieces them back together in a beautiful way. Just like the Japanese art of a broken vase fused back together with gold, the final product is more valuable than ever before. If there is something broken in your life right now, there is hope. Some day, some how, it can be restored and made beautiful again. And there is nothing He can’t work with. It may not look exactly as you had planned or imagined, but that doesn’t make the end result any less wonderful.  Later in the day, as I proudly watched my growing son insist on carrying all the grocery bags in from the car, I reflected on how much has changed over the past 8 years. As much as we might not be able to see it in the moment, the worst days (or weeks, months, or even years) of our lives can be preparing and equipping us for something so much greater than we could ever imagine. Stay hopeful friends. And don’t forget to reach out, and look up, during those worst days. We weren’t meant to do any of this alone. Author: Elizabeth

Open Hearts

Love. Joy. Kindness /
Elizabeth / June 26, 2019

My husband and I were out for a simple anniversary dinner at our favorite local diner. A hole in the wall place really, but they have delicious burgers, tater tots with just the right amount of crisp, and mostly friendly staff. As I went to sit down with my one-trip salad bar plate, I noticed the waitress cleaning the booth across from us. I had seen her earlier, turning chairs upside down on tops of the tables and sweeping the dirty floor beneath them before the end of what her face told me was a long shift. I turned and offered a simple smile, not expecting one in return. She smiled back. I said hello, making eye contact, and asked, “How are you doing?” She quickly replied, “Tired, I haven’t slept in three days.” I showed some concern and she continued to tell me how her dog was in labor two nights ago so she had been up with her, and then caring for the puppies before coming to work. I asked some questions about the dogs and she shared that she breeds them for veterans service animals. She went on to tell me that she brought her two children to the zoo and then had to come back to work again that evening. To engage the conversation further, I asked how old her kids were and she said 3 and 2 years old. Then she confided that she should have been delivering her third child in a couple of weeks, but the baby was really sick and they had to deliver the baby at 21 weeks. She explained it was either her or the baby and there was nothing the doctors could do. I empathetically said, “I am so sorry” a couple times, not knowing what else to say to this young mother. She casually shook it off, and matter of factly stated, “So, now I work.” as if pushing down her emotions while remembering again that she would be close to full term and soon on maternity leave if not for the loss of her child. My husband rejoined me at the table, I told her I hoped she could get some good rest tonight, and she returned to her clean up duties. And just like that the crossing of our paths was over. I could have let that tired, crabby looking waitress go about her work while we enjoyed a quiet anniversary dinner. But I noticed her and saw something familiar. Maybe it was the exhaustion, or sadness, maybe the pain. Something drew me to her and I responded to the nudge. All it took was a simple smile. A hello, with eye contact. A genuine, “How are you doing?” It wasn’t a long encounter, less than two or three minutes, but none the less meaningful. It was as if she needed someone to listen even if it was just for a moment. You never know how much someone may need that simple gesture. Let us keep our eyes and hearts open and available to those around us. Let us not forget that we can all make a difference. Every day, in big and small ways. Sometimes even in the lives complete strangers. Author: Elizabeth

Forgiveness is a Process

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 28, 2019

After something painful happens there are natural emotions and physical reactions that occur.  If we act on anger or ignore those reactions, we can make our pain worse.  Forgiveness is for you, it’s not for anyone else.  Forgiveness offers freedom and healing, so how do we get a place of forgiveness after something tragic? Forgiveness is a process. A process that should not be rushed. 1.Understand Forgiveness. Forgiveness often gets confused with other things. Forgiveness is not trust, reconciliation, or weakness.  There are changes in your mind and heart that can lead to reconciliation and trust can be built over time. However, those are steps that can be sorted out with that person at a later time. Forgiveness takes great strength that comes from within. Understanding forgiveness is the first step in the process. 2.Feel your emotions. Don’t rush into forgiveness.  You were hurt and likely faced unfair circumstances that no one deserves.  It’s never ok for someone to hurt you.  Mourn your disappointments. Feel the anger, the heartbreak, and the sadness. Find ways to release the emotions in healthy ways. Don’t make life changing decisions during this time. Take a step back, retreat to safety, and process those emotions. 3.Find stress management and coping techniques. While it’s important to allow time to feel our emotions, sometimes we can ruminate on events that happened. Replaying the pain over and over in our mind. When this happens, it can be important to distract your mind. Schedule time to feel and process and then stop. It might help to set a timer and vent to a friend and then choose a different activity after the timer is up. Or take out a journal and fill up a few pages and then go for a run, watch a movie, or something that will take your mind off the painful event. Find the stress management techniques that work best for you. 4.Confide in a friend. It’s hard to carry a heavy burden all on your own. Find someone in your circle of friends or family that you can tell. Having someone else know the struggles you are facing, can help lighten the load. It’s amazing what talking it out can do. 5.Focus on your actions. The actions of others are not within your control. Don’t wait for an apology or repentance. That’s their path to walk. We don’t have to let the people around us have control over our happiness. You get to choose forgiveness on your own terms. 6.Release feelings of revenge. To forgive is to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” Revenge or anger will not make you feel better. After you have actively worked at processing these emotions and allowed time to pass, release the anger. Redirect your mind to helpful, productive tasks. If anger continues to be a problem, seek help from someone that can help you work through the anger. Author: Crystal For more articles on Forgiveness, check out our Forgiveness Series.

Forgiveness is For You

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 13, 2019

My husband and I have shared our story many times. If you missed it you can read from his perspective here or mine here. The conversations that naturally follow are filled with questions and wonder. “How could you forgive something like that?” “How do you know it wont happen again?” “Isn’t that hard to live with?” “How can you trust after that?” “I couldn’t do that if I were you.” The truth is: I didn’t think I could forgive something this big either. Every question that someone asks are the same questions I’ve asked myself. Each person comes in with there own story, background, and hurts. What I have learned along the way is this: Forgiveness if for you. It isn’t necessarily about the other person. Forgiveness is a personal journey that you can choose to take. This journey can be about forgiving someone else or choosing to forgive yourself. It’s important to remember that we have control over how we respond in painful situations. The hard truth is that you will be let down by someone at some point along the way. Not one person is perfect. Your best friend, your parents, teachers, siblings, or significant other will do something that causes you pain. No matter how big or small that event is you don’t have control over their actions. You do have control over how you respond. What will you choose? Will it be revenge and anger? Avoidance and withdrawal? Or maybe you could respond with mercy and forgiveness? However you choose, that response is yours. You own it. You have more control than you know. Revenge Revenge is the act of inflicting harm on someone else to get even. Payback is a natural response when we are hurting. It might feel good in the moment thinking of ways to make the other person feel the pain that you have experienced. When impulse for revenge is acted on, more hurt is added to our world. It will likely leave you feeling more hurt then before. You have now just allowed the original offender to cause you to do something that you normally would not do to another person. Avoidance Ignoring or avoiding the problem, might delay healing. Hurtful events need to be processed and discussed. Protection needs to be put into place to avoid further pain. Avoiding the painful event or person may cause that hurt to fester and grow inside you. This lets the pain from someone else to become bigger and more painful. Mercy To show mercy and forgiveness? Showing mercy is the act of compassion and forgiveness toward someone that is undeserving. It doesn’t mean that you let them out of their natural consequences or immediately trust again. It’s to maintain kindness and wish no harm to them. This is freeing! This allows you to use your strength to overcome. You get to choose to let the pain and hurt stop with you. You get to control how much that pain filters your body. It allows you to stop searching for ways to “make it right” and choose to let go. Choose forgiveness and add light into your world. You have the strength to stop letting the actions of others effect your joy. Author: Crystal You might also be interested in:

Forgiveness is Not…

Forgiveness /
Crystal / May 5, 2019

Forgiveness is one of those confusing, hard to explain, and hard to wrap your head around terms. They hurt me, why should I have to do anything? Forgiveness can heal past or present hurts, so it’s extra important that we don’t confuse forgiveness for something that it is not. Forgiveness is Not… 1.Reconciliation. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Sometimes forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. However, you can choose to forgive and choose to not associate with that person at the same time. Sometimes you have to choose to forgive and move on in order to protect yourself and heal from the pain. 2.Agreement with the person or group that hurt you. Forgiveness is not agreement. It does not mean that you agree or condone their actions. Psychologists define forgiveness as “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” The person that hurt you might not deserve forgiveness. They have to live with their poor choices and find their own peace with those decisions. You don’t have to change your morals and agree with those choices. 3.Saying what they did is ok. Forgiveness is not saying what they did is ok. Much like forgiveness does not require you to agree with their actions, it also does not require you to say that it is ok. It’s not ok for someone to cause harm to you. If someone accidently bumps into you, you might sincerely mean that it is fine that they did that, but we can’t apply this phrase to all situations. Somethings will just never be ok for someone to do. 4.Trust. Forgiveness is not trust. Trust is something that is earned over time. When trust is broken, it may take a while to rebuild. After you choose to forgive someone you may or may not build trust over time. It is possible to forgive someone and then decide later if you are willing or able to trust them. 5.Weakness. Forgiveness is not weakness. In fact forgiveness builds great strength and resilience. It is a hard task to complete. If you can reach a point of forgiveness for those that hurt you, you take back control over the situation. Forgiveness gives you strength and control in your life. 6.Letting someone out of their consequences. Forgiveness is not letting someone out of their consequences. Justice and consequences are different than revenge. Without consequences for poor actions we would never learn. Consequences are a good thing. They help us grow and learn right from wrong. Revenge is wishing the worst for someone or intentionally seeking to do wrong to them. This is not helpful for anyone involved. When you think of forgiveness it is important to remove the pre-conceived ideas that often get associated with forgiveness. Sometimes there is pressure to quickly let go, forget that you were hurt, and move on. Forgiveness is a process that leads to great healing. Take your time to learn the true meaning of forgiveness, and allow your hurt to heal. Author: Crystal Look for more articles on forgiveness in our May Forgiveness Series You might also be interested in:

Compassion Fatigue

Compassion Fatigue, Support for Family and Friends, Tips, Work Struggles /
Crystal / March 25, 2019

As a social worker, people come to me with hard, if not impossible, problems to solve. Sometimes I have the answers to those problems. Sometimes I am called an angel, lifesaver, or hero. Other times, I fail to help the fragile or hurting person before me.  It is not from a lack of trying.  In fact, it’s these impossible problems that have no clear solution that keep me up at night. Laying awake problem solving long after my work day is over. These are the times that I can hear the disappointment and helplessness. I was their last resort and I failed. Instead of lifesaver, I hear failure, destroyer, bearer of bad news. Sometimes the person on the receiving end lets me know how much I failed them but most of the time it comes from with in. Its exhausting caring and constantly thinking about the needs of others.  The drive to help in any way possible sent me spiraling down an overwhelming path. With each step I took I added more tasks, more stories, and more heartbreak to the pile. Every new story caused me to leave a piece of my heart behind.    During those overwhelming and emotional days, I forgot a few important truths: It’s not my job to solve the impossible.  No one can run on empty. There are things that I can do to protect my heart and show compassion. If you are in a helping profession, a caregiver, or generally like to help others, we need your compassionate heart in this world. In order to maintain that compassionate heart, you have to take care of it just like any other part of your body. Here are a few things to keep in mind as your head out into the world: Be kind to yourself. You are human. You cannot solve the impossible. Be content knowing that you are doing the best you can. There is enough negativity to go around. Work on getting rid of negative self-talk and strive to feed your mind positive things. Learn more. Learn about symptoms of compassion fatigue. Notice how your body is responding in different situations. Awareness to reactions and symptoms reduces the impact. Set personal boundaries and work hours.  This is not being selfish. In fact, if you continue to over work and over commit, then you will quickly burn yourself out. The best thing you can do for others is model good self-care. If you take care of your own needs first, you will be more equipped to help someone else. This starts with setting personal boundaries and work hours and sticking to them. Schedule self-care. Put self-care on the calendar like you would any other important task. This should be your number one priority. If you want to continue helping people, you must make your own self-care a priority. Plan to take breaks through out the day. Set aside time that is just for you. Take a walk, do a meditation, read a book; something that will refocus on your own personal needs. Seek someone who will listen and understand. Talk about it! Find a trusted colleague, friend, advisor, spiritual leader, or counselor and discuss the impacts of compassion fatigue. Talk about how your mind and body are affected by caring for others. Releasing the thoughts from your mind can be very healing. Leave toxic environments. Sometimes the environment that we have chosen to work in is unhealthy. Be aware of unhealthy work environments and choose to build resiliency to those impacts or remove yourself from that situation. If you are working for someone that has unrealistic expectations, insufficient supervision, unsafe physical space, and generally doesn’t abide by best work place practices keep in mind that this is not a personal failure. Know your own limits and don’t take the heat for unrealistic practices. Accept the limits of being human. Help those you can and trust that others will do the same. The problems of those in front of you do not fall on your shoulders alone. Continue to care about people, just make sure that you are caring about yourself too! Author: Crystal

Marriage Crisis

Marriage /
Crystal / March 23, 2019

Every marriage faces challenges at some point along the way. How those challenges are navigated will predict relationship survival. While there are certainly situations that require someone to leave their marriage, make choices about your marriage that are based in wisdom keeping your values and safety at the forefront. What if separation and divorce wasn’t the answer to all marriage crises? What if you can heal and repair even from betrayal, addiction, or drift? A marriage crisis doesn’t mean that your marriage has to be over, but you likely will not be able to tackle it alone. My husband and I have been through our share of marriage struggles and most days we are grateful for our trials because it has moved us to where we are now. There is something about hitting rock bottom that makes you appreciate life and wellness. For those of you struggling through problems or working toward healing, you are not alone in that struggle. What helped us when our marriage hit crisis level? 1. Allowing Time to Heal. No matter what struggles have hit in your marriage. Allow yourself time to feel those emotions. Don’t feel guilty about being angry, betrayed, sad, or even irrational at times. Seek healthy ways to release those emotions. Things that I found helpful were journaling, talking to others that have been there, joining community support groups, prayer, uplifting music, and reading books or articles related to my struggles. 2. Owning Our Part. Before we could think about working on repairing our marriage, we had to focus on individual wellbeing. Both my husband and I attended individual therapy to address our mental health concerns, mourn our losses, and work through the pain and betrayal. We attended individual therapy for 6 months before addressing any marriage concerns together. This will look different for each situation, but it is an important first step. It’s hard to work on something together if you haven’t first reflected on your own part and allowed yourself to feel all the emotions that come with it. It’s important to have time for self-reflection and healing. 3. Learning More. It was helpful to read or talk to others that have experienced similar situations. There is something so comforting in knowing that you are not the only one to go through this. I was surprised to find a community of people that have had similar experiences. It was encouraging to see people that had hit the same rock bottom as me and made it through. Reading self-help articles and personal testimonies was an important step in the healing process. 4. Seek Professional Help. Friends and family are important to the healing process, but you also need a non-bias opinion and facilitator to navigate these tough issues. Find a marriage counselor that fits well with your goals and beliefs for your marriage. A professional guide through conflict conversations will help process and sort those feelings. 5. Letting Go of Society Judgement. Choosing the unpopular choice can be hard. No matter what you decide, there is always going to be someone judging your choices. It’s easy for people to say “I would never be able too….” “Why would you….?” Or “If it were me I would….” The fact of the matter is that they are not you. They have not walked your path. Let go of any judgement that you may feel and seek to make a wise decision that is not based on others opinions or perceived judgment on your situation. 6. Seeking Forgiveness. This is a tough one especially if you are feeling betrayed by your spouse. Don’t rush the process. Allow yourself to feel the emotions but be careful to not base decisions in those emotions. Emotions can cause decisions that we will regret later. After you have allowed yourself to feel those painful emotions and allowed time for healing, then it may be time to think about forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself and for your spouse. This does not mean that you agree with any wrong done to you. Forgiveness is a complicated process. Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes a while to get there. It is worth striving for because the feeling will be so freeing. 7. Explore Spirituality Together. This was the glue that held us together. Our marriage would not be what it is today if we hadn’t grounded our marriage in faith. It’s worth exploring and finding out what you believe, not what others have told you to believe. Every single marriage has problems at some point. If your marriage is struggling, let go of the guilt and know that it is normal. Evaluate honestly and come up with a plan to move forward. Don’t ignore the problem and wait for it to pass. There is a lot that is said in the silence. Choose intentional messages centered in wisdom. Hope can be found in the pain, you just have to know where to look. Author: Crystal You may also be interested in: Click here for more articles on marriage.

Mistakes Don’t Define You

Forgiveness, Marriage, PTSD, Self Worth /
Job W / March 10, 2019

On March 10th, 2018 my life looked completely different. I was a train wreck knowing what I had to do later that afternoon. I was going to have a talk with my wife whom I had been separated from for 6 months. I was positive she would tell me to leave again and want the divorce. This was the day I told my wife that I had an affair and as a result there was a baby on the way. It was my fault that our relationship had been destroyed. How could I have screwed up so badly.  I had everything and I lost all of it. It all started with the unwanted thoughts associated with war. They would haunt me day and night. I thought no one would understand the pain I was in. I began to self-medicate with alcohol, overworking, and withdrawing from all relationships. The choices that I made spiraled out of control. It happened so quickly, before I knew it, I was someone I didn’t at all recognize. The shame of my actions sent me spiraling into more isolation and led to more and more mistakes. I started to believe all the lies that began cycling in my head. I believe that my wife hated me. None of my family or friends would ever speak to me again. No one would ever understand me. I believed that I was worthless, my life was over, and that I would never know happiness again. That they would be better off if I died. I wondered if there was any value to my life. The person I had become was one that no one would recognize. I hated myself so how could I blame anyone for hating me. I envisioned crying, yelling, condemnation, divorce, losing the love of my life along with my child, and everything that we built together. I pictured all my family and friends turning their backs on me. After all, I had done the unforgiveable. The one thing that no one could ever forgive. Of all the scenarios that I played over and over in my head, the truth that played out was nothing that I could have imagined. After 2 hours of me talking and my wife listening, letting me get everything out before she responded, my wife told me that she forgave me. The first thoughts I had was: “How? I wouldn’t forgive me how can you? Am I dreaming right now?” I was in shock from the response, never once did I think that would ever happen. She told me that she wanted me to come home. She said we would work on our marriage, we would have partial custody of the new baby, that we would figure things out together, and we would repair our life. On that day I was given a second chance at life. This time I am bound and determined to make the most of every day. Prove to my wife and my boys that I am worth it. Together we leaned into our family, our church, and developed a plan for healing. One year later, there is hope and life in every breath that I take. Some days are long and hard even now, but I have purpose and happiness even in the hard days. That’s what I look back at one year ago. Now today after being diagnosed with and treated for combat PTSD, major depression, agoraphobia of crowds, and OCD I can separate what is real and what’s in my head(most days that is). I went 10 years without believing in God. Which for me, I grew up in faith and believed in God until I went overseas. Now I have found that faith again and it is so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. My bond with my wife is so much stronger and better than ever before. I’m back to being me. My family and friends have all welcomed me back and welcomed our new family of four. Our family is different than the traditional family, but it’s ours. Author: Job W. You might also be interested in:

Dear Husband

Love. Joy. Kindness, Marriage, Self Worth /
Crystal / February 11, 2019

Dear Husband, I know the world may make you feel unworthy. The world may see you as just another. Another man caught in the troubles of life. One that is bogged down by mistakes and trials. They see another marriage torn by unfaithful actions. Another dad to a blended family. The world may see the imperfections. They may say you are unworthy. There will be times that you are dismissed and judged. You may have to prove yourself again and again. You will have to re-explain your story and see the judgement in the eyes of every new person. The confusion and surprise will continue when you must explain yet again your family structure and trials you are facing. There will be days that you feel the guilt of these mistakes.   There will be days that you feel worthless. I need you to know that this is not what I see. I see the power of redemption. I see a man that lost his way and allowed grace and forgiveness to transform. Someone who cares deeply about those around him and fights everyday to overcome the mistakes and nightmares of the past. I see the courageous way that you allow the world to see your mistakes and risk the harsh judgement that may follow. As for me I choose to see the greatness that has always been there. I choose to see the man of integrity, courage, kindness, and love. Let the world believe what they will. You will continue to prove them wrong and win people over. You are aiming for long term solutions not short term praise. Continue to fight for what you believe in and provide encouragement to those around you. Your family will be standing at your side. You are valued. You are loved. You are worthy. Love, Your Wife.