Hope in a Hopeless World

Mental Health Outreach

Protecting those that Protect Us

PTSD, Self Worth, Support for Family and Friends /

This past week I heard the devastating news that two Minnesota police officers died by suicide. My heart breaks for what these men experienced in the days, months, and years leading up to their final moments. The tears quietly fall from my eyes as I think about the family they left behind. As I let the tears fall, I reflect back to a time, in the not so distant past, where I wondered if today would be the day that I would get that call. Several times I had wondered, “Would today be the day that someone shows up at my house to tell me that my husband died by suicide?” Fortunately for me, that moment never came. Later I would find out that my fears were too close to becoming reality.  My husband spent 12 years serving in the Minnesota Army National Guard. It is here that he would make life long friends and find purpose in serving his country. It is also where he would witness horrific and tragic events that no human should ever have to see.  Coming home he would suffer in silence as he relived the tragedies. During the day simple conversations or things in his environment would trigger memories. At night it was the nightmares that felt too real.  Suicide is not selfish.  Living in the constant place of trauma is unbearable and affects every moment of life. My husband would later tell me that he firmly believed that his family would be better off without him as a burden to daily life. He believed that because of the things he experienced and did during his time overseas, that the world didn’t need him around.  He saw suicide as a selfless act to spare others from the monster he believed himself to be.  I’ll never forget the day my husband opened up about his experiences; calling himself worthless. This strong, brave protector couldn’t see the hero that I saw.  The men and women that are called to protect us on U.S. ground or overseas come in different forms; military branches, police officers, and first responders. As a community indebted to these men and women, we need to rally together to protect those that are called to protect us.  Take a first step in showing that support by learning more about what these men and women go through. Research things to say and not say when you have the opportunity to have a conversation with them.  Show them the love and support they deserve.  In honor of Veteran’s Day, take some time to learn how you, as a community member, can help those that protect you every day.  Not sure where to start? See the articles linked below. đź’ś Author: Crystal How to talk to and support a Vet: https://warontherocks.com/2017/11/how-to-talk-to-a-veteran/ https://www.brainline.org/article/caring-veteran-ptsd-what-do-you-need-know Caregiver Resources: http://www.caregiver.va.gov/ Impact Stories from Police and Veteran: https://theofficernextdoor.com/2018/07/26/its-not-normal/ https://hopeinahopelessworld.com/2018/08/12/survivors-guilt-guest-author-job-w/

Mistakes Don’t Define You

Forgiveness, Marriage, PTSD, Self Worth /

On March 10th, 2018 my life looked completely different. I was a train wreck knowing what I had to do later that afternoon. I was going to have a talk with my wife whom I had been separated from for 6 months. I was positive she would tell me to leave again and want the divorce. This was the day I told my wife that I had an affair and as a result there was a baby on the way. It was my fault that our relationship had been destroyed. How could I have screwed up so badly.  I had everything and I lost all of it. It all started with the unwanted thoughts associated with war. They would haunt me day and night. I thought no one would understand the pain I was in. I began to self-medicate with alcohol, overworking, and withdrawing from all relationships. The choices that I made spiraled out of control. It happened so quickly, before I knew it, I was someone I didn’t at all recognize. The shame of my actions sent me spiraling into more isolation and led to more and more mistakes. I started to believe all the lies that began cycling in my head. I believe that my wife hated me. None of my family or friends would ever speak to me again. No one would ever understand me. I believed that I was worthless, my life was over, and that I would never know happiness again. That they would be better off if I died. I wondered if there was any value to my life. The person I had become was one that no one would recognize. I hated myself so how could I blame anyone for hating me. I envisioned crying, yelling, condemnation, divorce, losing the love of my life along with my child, and everything that we built together. I pictured all my family and friends turning their backs on me. After all, I had done the unforgiveable. The one thing that no one could ever forgive. Of all the scenarios that I played over and over in my head, the truth that played out was nothing that I could have imagined. After 2 hours of me talking and my wife listening, letting me get everything out before she responded, my wife told me that she forgave me. The first thoughts I had was: “How? I wouldn’t forgive me how can you? Am I dreaming right now?” I was in shock from the response, never once did I think that would ever happen. She told me that she wanted me to come home. She said we would work on our marriage, we would have partial custody of the new baby, that we would figure things out together, and we would repair our life. On that day I was given a second chance at life. This time I am bound and determined to make the most of every day. Prove to my wife and my boys that I am worth it. Together we leaned into our family, our church, and developed a plan for healing. One year later, there is hope and life in every breath that I take. Some days are long and hard even now, but I have purpose and happiness even in the hard days. That’s what I look back at one year ago. Now today after being diagnosed with and treated for combat PTSD, major depression, agoraphobia of crowds, and OCD I can separate what is real and what’s in my head(most days that is). I went 10 years without believing in God. Which for me, I grew up in faith and believed in God until I went overseas. Now I have found that faith again and it is so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. My bond with my wife is so much stronger and better than ever before. I’m back to being me. My family and friends have all welcomed me back and welcomed our new family of four. Our family is different than the traditional family, but it’s ours. Author: Job W. You might also be interested in:

Dear Husband

Love. Joy. Kindness, Marriage, Self Worth /

Dear Husband, I know the world may make you feel unworthy. The world may see you as just another. Another man caught in the troubles of life. One that is bogged down by mistakes and trials. They see another marriage torn by unfaithful actions. Another dad to a blended family. The world may see the imperfections. They may say you are unworthy. There will be times that you are dismissed and judged. You may have to prove yourself again and again. You will have to re-explain your story and see the judgement in the eyes of every new person. The confusion and surprise will continue when you must explain yet again your family structure and trials you are facing. There will be days that you feel the guilt of these mistakes.   There will be days that you feel worthless. I need you to know that this is not what I see. I see the power of redemption. I see a man that lost his way and allowed grace and forgiveness to transform. Someone who cares deeply about those around him and fights everyday to overcome the mistakes and nightmares of the past. I see the courageous way that you allow the world to see your mistakes and risk the harsh judgement that may follow. As for me I choose to see the greatness that has always been there. I choose to see the man of integrity, courage, kindness, and love. Let the world believe what they will. You will continue to prove them wrong and win people over. You are aiming for long term solutions not short term praise. Continue to fight for what you believe in and provide encouragement to those around you. Your family will be standing at your side. You are valued. You are loved. You are worthy. Love, Your Wife.

Failure is Normal.

Love. Joy. Kindness, Self Worth /

It’s good to have goals for life, but don’t let your hefty goals weigh you down this year. It’s predicted that only 8% of New Year’s Resolutions are reached. I am all for goal setting and planning but think about what you are setting yourself up for in the new year. Failure should be apart of every plan. No one gets it perfect the first time around. Allow for self-love and grace. Give yourself permission to fail, reconsider, and change course.   Failing does not make you a failure. Perhaps the new year is a time to re-examine your priorities. It could be time to shift your mindset into healthy, positive thinking. To start seeing yourself and the people around you as good, even when it’s hard. If you are getting hung up on goals this year, keep it simple and achievable. Let yourself off the hook, and don’t place your self-worth on whether or not you can reach a goal. There is so much more to you then your ability to reach goals. For me, the year of 2019 will represent a year of Trust. Trusting in the plan for my life. That the tasks and dreams placed on my heart will take form. Not on mine time, but when the time is right. Trusting that I have what it takes to carry out those dreams. I will let go of the fear of failure that holds me back and fully embrace my gifts. What does 2019 represent for you? Is this the year of new beginnings? Finding a place of healing? Rebuilding of relationships? Maybe it is letting go of fear that holds you back from your purpose in life. A new year can represent many things. Whatever it represents for you make it a time of self-care and set yourself up for positive change in the coming year. Author: Crystal

Dear Self

Self Worth, You are not alone /

Dear Beautiful, Strong, & Compassionate Self, Today you are feeling confident, valued, and productive. Today you woke up with a spring in your step and a desire to make things happen. Today you care about people and have a kind heart. I know that this is not how you always feel. There are days that you wake up hating the world. You feel ugly, unappreciated, worthless. I want you to hear from me, the you on your good days. This day will come and go. Whether this is a good day or a bad day, it is 24 hours. It may seem like you will feel like this forever, but I am proof that you do not always feel this way. You have good days and you have bad days like everyone else. You do not always feel insecure and unproductive with low energy. When the hard days come around again, I want you to remember and embrace these truths: Emotions are good. You are allowed to feel annoyed, angry, frustrated, sad, confused. This is normal. Don’t fight or ignore them. Find helpful ways to release and feel the tough emotions. Yes, I know that you do not want to. Do it anyway. Everyone has good days, and everyone has bad days. This is not a character flaw. You cannot be at your best every day and that does not make you less worthy or capable You will not always feel this way. I know that it feels never-ending, but it will end. Bad days come, and they leave. Listen to you body. Your strong emotions are telling you something. Slow down, listen to what your body needs. Rest, take breaks, reflect. Do not feel guilty about your breaks, rest and reflection lead to better mood and productivity. Let others in. You may need time for solitude, quiet, and personal reflection. After you have allowed yourself to process, let others in. Community and connection are important even on the days that you feel tired and unworthy. At the end of the day, be proud that you accomplished another day of strong emotion. I know that it is not easy and you did it! Every day ends, make the most of this day. Even the pain has a great purpose in the bigger picture of life. Sincerely, The You on Your Good Days. Author: Crystal

Diets. Lifestyle. Body Image.

Body Image, Self Worth /

Instantly the smell of freshly baked cookies finds me in the doorway. Following the scent, my nose tracks the smell to the kitchen where I find my husband carefully putting the finishing touches on his newest baking endeavor. “Thought I would surprise you with your favorite.” My husband smiles when he sees me in the entryway. Is there anything better than a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie right from the oven? Accepting his invitation to this heavenly cookie, my enjoyment comes to a crashing halt as soon as the cycle of negative self-talk comes rushing in. Should you really be eating this? This isn’t the healthiest of choice, now is it? Your husband made them for you so now you are forced to put bad food choices into your body. Two cookies should really be your limit. Well you didn’t eat a very health lunch, so maybe you should limit yourself to one cookie. You’ve probably gained five pounds just in that first bite. If only I would have eaten healthier earlier today, then I wouldn’t feel so guilty about eating these cookies. All this guilt and shame that I heap upon myself over one simple cookie. Instead of being overjoyed that my husband took the time to bake my favorite, my thoughts are consumed with worry. When did certain foods become “bad” and certain foods become “good?” And when did the “bad” foods translate to “you are bad, because you eat that.” How often do we judge ourselves and those around us on the food choices that we make? Or talk openly at social events about which foods are good and healthy and which foods are bad and shouldn’t be touched? How often do we allow the guilt over eating the “right” foods dictate our choices? We allow our food choices to dictate which social events we attend, the time of day we can eat, or even the value we place on ourselves. Somehow our culture has convinced us that if we eat certain foods, we are of more value then another person that eats other types of foods. Healthy choices have been linked to good mental and physical health. But what do healthy choices really look like? A simple google search will produce thousands of articles on dieting, health eating, and lifestyle change. Each one claiming to have the key to happier, healthier lives. While eating each food group in moderation may have some nutritional benefits, at what point does our “healthy eating” become “food shaming?” And at what point does our “healthy eating” began to lower our quality of life? The food we eat should not define our worth as a person. Often, we allow food to do just that. Perhaps we need to re-examine what healthy looks like. Our mental and physical health should always become before our desire to change our physical appearance. Think about the last time you felt guilty about food, decided to start your next diet trend, or hit up the gym. Was your motivation strictly to improve your mental and physical health? Or was the motivation to change your outward appearance the driving force? Every person has the power to define what healthy looks like for them. I would encourage you today to re-examine your motivations for healthy living. Begin to implement changes that will improve your mental and physical health. And stop shaming yourself and others over what food you choose to eat or not eat. Let’s begin to view each person as an individual and recognize that healthy looks different for each person. Give yourself grace today, remind yourself that you are in control. You have a spirit of power and of love. Use that to build others up, and most of all use it to build up yourself!