PTSD | Hope in a Hopeless World

Protecting those that Protect Us

Crystal / November 11, 2019

This past week I heard the devastating news that two Minnesota police officers died by suicide. My heart breaks for what these men experienced in the days, months, and years leading up to their final moments. The tears quietly fall from my eyes as I think about the family they left behind. As I let the tears fall, I reflect back to a time, in the not so distant past, where I wondered if today would be the day that I would get that call. Several times I had wondered, “Would today be the day that someone shows up at my house to tell me that my husband died by suicide?” Fortunately for me, that moment never came. Later I would find out that my fears were too close to becoming reality. My husband spent 12 years serving in the Minnesota Army National Guard. It is here that he would make life long friends and find purpose in serving his country. It is also where he would witness horrific and tragic events that no human should ever have to see. Coming home he would suffer in silence as he relived the tragedies. During the day simple conversations or things in his environment would trigger memories. At night it was the nightmares that felt too real. Suicide is not selfish. Living in the constant place of trauma is unbearable and affects every moment of life. My husband would later tell me that he firmly believed that his family would be better off without him as a burden to daily life. He believed that because of the things he experienced and did during his time overseas, that the world didn’t need him around. He saw suicide as a selfless act to spare others from the monster he believed himself to be. I’ll never forget the day my husband opened up about his experiences; calling himself worthless. This strong, brave protector couldn’t see the hero that I saw. The men and women that are called to protect us on U.S. ground or overseas come in different forms; military branches, police officers, and first responders. As a community indebted to these men and women, we need to rally together to protect those that are called to protect us. Take a first step in showing that support by learning more about what these men and women go through. Research things to say and not say when you have the opportunity to have a conversation with them. Show them the love and support they deserve. In honor of Veteran’s Day, take some time to learn how you, as a community member, can help those that protect you every day. Not sure where to start? See the articles linked below. 💜 Author: Crystal How to talk to and support a Vet: https://warontherocks.com/2017/11/how-to-talk-to-a-veteran/ https://www.brainline.org/article/caring-veteran-ptsd-what-do-you-need-know Caregiver Resources: http://www.caregiver.va.gov/ Impact Stories from Police and Veteran: https://theofficernextdoor.com/2018/07/26/its-not-normal/ https://hopeinahopelessworld.com/2018/08/12/survivors-guilt-guest-author-job-w/

Mistakes Don’t Define You

Forgiveness, Marriage, PTSD, Self Worth /

Job W / March 10, 2019

On March 10th, 2018 my life looked completely different. I was a train wreck knowing what I had to do later that afternoon. I was going to have a talk with my wife whom I had been separated from for 6 months. I was positive she would tell me to leave again and want the divorce. This was the day I told my wife that I had an affair and as a result there was a baby on the way. It was my fault that our relationship had been destroyed. How could I have screwed up so badly. I had everything and I lost all of it. It all started with the unwanted thoughts associated with war. They would haunt me day and night. I thought no one would understand the pain I was in. I began to self-medicate with alcohol, overworking, and withdrawing from all relationships. The choices that I made spiraled out of control. It happened so quickly, before I knew it, I was someone I didn’t at all recognize. The shame of my actions sent me spiraling into more isolation and led to more and more mistakes. I started to believe all the lies that began cycling in my head. I believe that my wife hated me. None of my family or friends would ever speak to me again. No one would ever understand me. I believed that I was worthless, my life was over, and that I would never know happiness again. That they would be better off if I died. I wondered if there was any value to my life. The person I had become was one that no one would recognize. I hated myself so how could I blame anyone for hating me. I envisioned crying, yelling, condemnation, divorce, losing the love of my life along with my child, and everything that we built together. I pictured all my family and friends turning their backs on me. After all, I had done the unforgiveable. The one thing that no one could ever forgive. Of all the scenarios that I played over and over in my head, the truth that played out was nothing that I could have imagined. After 2 hours of me talking and my wife listening, letting me get everything out before she responded, my wife told me that she forgave me. The first thoughts I had was: “How? I wouldn’t forgive me how can you? Am I dreaming right now?” I was in shock from the response, never once did I think that would ever happen. She told me that she wanted me to come home. She said we would work on our marriage, we would have partial custody of the new baby, that we would figure things out together, and we would repair our life. On that day I was given a second chance at life. This time I am bound and determined to make the most of every day. Prove to my wife and my boys that I am worth it. Together we leaned into our family, our church, and developed a plan for healing. One year later, there is hope and life in every breath that I take. Some days are long and hard even now, but I have purpose and happiness even in the hard days. That’s what I look back at one year ago. Now today after being diagnosed with and treated for combat PTSD, major depression, agoraphobia of crowds, and OCD I can separate what is real and what’s in my head(most days that is). I went 10 years without believing in God. Which for me, I grew up in faith and believed in God until I went overseas. Now I have found that faith again and it is so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. My bond with my wife is so much stronger and better than ever before. I’m back to being me. My family and friends have all welcomed me back and welcomed our new family of four. Our family is different than the traditional family, but it’s ours. Author: Job W. You might also be interested in:

Survivor’s Guilt

PTSD, You are not alone /

Job W / August 12, 2018

Why did I make it, and he didn’t? Why would God spare me and not him? Why do his kids and wife have to suffer, when it could have been me instead? If only I had been there, I could have saved him. I deserved to die, he did not. These are the questions and thoughts that have haunted me for 10 years. On March 30, 2008 I was preparing for the next mission but at the last minute, I was pulled off the mission. My commander said that I needed to rest, I had been out on too many missions. The decision was made so against my protests, another solider took my place that day. I headed back to my trailer to sleep. Hours later I woke up and headed over to “The TOC” to find out what I would be doing next. Walking into the building a buddy of mine pulled me outside and gave me the news. The truck I should have been on was hit by a roadside bomb. My truck partner didn’t make it. I did nothing to save him. I was asleep, completely helpless to my unit. If only I would have pushed harder to be on that mission, then I could have saved him. If I were in the truck, he would have lived. All would have been made right. If only I was on that truck. Joining the military, I set out to take part in protecting my country and maintaining a sense of justice and fairness. I knew the risks, I was prepared to accept the consequences of serving my country. What I was not prepared for was the amount of guilt I would feel for surviving. What is fair about losing the life of a solider, who was a husband, father, friend. At this time in my life, I did not have kids, I wasn’t married yet. In my mind, if anyone had to die it should have been me. Less people would be impacted by my death then his. Sure, my fiancé, parents, and family would be sad, but it was less sad than a child losing his father, and a wife her husband. My world view changed after this event. Instead of seeing a fair and just world, I saw an unfair, and terrible place. A place where it’s every man for himself. A place where there couldn’t possibly be a God who cares. 15 months after this moment, I was back home and about to marry the woman of my dreams. I felt undeserving of marriage. What makes me worthy of having a happily married life, when it should have been me that died on the battle field? Ten years later, I am still struggling with what some call Survivor’s Guilt. It is impossible to make sense of tragedy in this world. Impossible to figure out why some people are affected in tragedy and others are not. For many years, I allowed this guilt of surviving war to influence my day to day life. The truth is that the guilt was hiding the real emotion underneath. The overwhelming sadness that I felt after seeing war and the senseless loss of soldiers. Instead of dealing with the sadness, it came out in anger and guilt. The other harsh reality is while my soon-to-be wife, parents, and friends were celebrating my return and the up-coming wedding, I did not share in their joy. Instead of seeing the value that I brought to my family and friends, I took this for granted and continued to believe that I was not a worthy part of the family. I saw myself as a mistake. A mistake that didn’t deserve to be celebrated. It took significant hardships, regretful decisions, treatment, and unconditional love of those around me to see myself as a worthy. As someone that deserves life and happiness. For those that may be struggling with Survivor’s Guilt, related to war or other events, I would encourage you to learn from my mistakes. Don’t wait 10 years to address the guilt and pain. Look at the truth of the situation, look for the true emotions attached to the guilt, and look at all the family and friends that you have around you. Family and friends that would be devastated by losing you. Cherish relationship with them, because you are worthy of them. Surviving does not make you less worthy. Take care of your mental health, it’s just as important as physical health. Find ways to give back to those around you through volunteer work or helping others in your day to day life. I have to believe that I survived for a reason. I have to believe that his death was not for nothing. I owe it to all the soldiers that didn’t make it back, to cherish every moment of life. Valuing life instead of dwelling in the pain. There is no shame in surviving. Feeling guilty will not replace the heartbreak. Learning to cope and address the heartbreak is the only way to truly heal from the pain. To my fellow soldiers, if you are looking for places to reach out, see the resources listed below. Use the strength and courage that I know you have to get connected. Author: Job W. Resources for Vets: Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) https://www.veteranscrisisline.net https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/ https://hopeinahopelessworld.com/contact/ Resources for Families: https://www.caregiver.va.gov/

Crash in Aisle Two

PTSD, You are not alone /

Crystal / August 3, 2018

Walking into Target, my one year old in the cart, I scan the entry way. Everyone looks suspicious. They cannot all be bad. Can they? I push ahead. Eyes darting around from one person to the next. My grocery list is tucked safely in my back pocket. My hand makes no attempt to reach for it. The chaos around me requires my full attention to navigate. Who just touched my shoulder? Quickly my head turns to the side to catch a glimpse of the culprit. She carries on like nothing happened. My eyes immediately find my child. He is safe. Rounding aisle three of the store, I am too far from the exit. Too far from my escape route. There up ahead. Two men enter aisle three. Why are they looking at us? What could they possibly want? I must protect my child. Quickly, my body turns the cart in the opposite direction. Picking up speed, my cart rounds the corner to aisle two. My mind calculating the quickest way out of the store. SMASH! The sound of two carts colliding stops me in my tracks. The judgement on the woman’s face. She thinks I am a terrible mom, but if she only knew that the men in the aisle over are trying to steal my child, then she would understand. Quickly moving the cart around the woman that I just ran into, my mind continues to plot the fastest way to the parking lot. To the safety of our car. Abandoning the cart near the front of the store, we make our exit. Relief washes over me. No one has followed. My car is in sight. The groceries will have to wait. Looking back on this moment, I cannot help but think about the woman in aisle two. I can imagine that she had her own stressors that day. Simply wanting to grab a few items from the local Target and get home to her family. Imagine her surprise when a woman and child come crashing into her cart while she’s looking at the salad dressings in aisle two. She could have gone home that day and described the scene. “A crazed woman with a baby in the cart, who looked like she hadn’t showered in days, ran right into my cart today! And then just took off.” She had no way of knowing that I was struggling with the symptoms of PTSD and vicarious trauma. No way of knowing that I had convinced myself that the men in aisle three were trying to steal my child. There is always going to be a reason to point out the wrong doings of others. There will always be reasons to hate, hold a grudge. I would like to encourage you today to remember that each person has a story and you might be encountering that person in the lowest part of their story. I would not want to be judged based on my lowest, most hopeless days. For the lady in aisle two, she was forced to react to a situation that she did not ask for. She could have yelled, sought revenge, or allowed this moment to ruin the rest of her day. However, I would like to think that she could have saw the pain in my eyes and choose a different response. What if, instead of condemning me for my actions, she chose to quickly forgive and recognize that there is more to the story then just a reckless irresponsible mother? The actions of others, whether positive or negative, always have a reason behind them. No one acts without reason. Without something driving that choice. For me, “the crash in aisle two,” was caused by the motivation to protect my child. I had no way of convincing myself that the threats were not real. These actions forced another person to make a choice. A choice that she did not ask for. I would encourage everyone to seek kindness and understanding and use that as your reason to act. Show kindness to the most undeserving. You might use that power to change the course of someone’s life. Author: Crystal