Job W | Hope in a Hopeless World

Cupboard Doors

Anxiety, OCD /

Job W / June 30, 2021

Walking into the house, I immediately noticed the two kitchen cupboard doors that were left open. It’s fine. I think to myself. Cupboard doors are not a big deal. I walk past the kitchen, I stop in the living room to greet my two boys who are overjoyed to see me and then I head toward the bedroom to change out of my work clothes. The cupboard doors are not hurting anything. They can stay open. The thoughts won’t stop. I have a strong urge to shut the cupboard doors. Everything must be in order. I walk back outside to join my wife on the front patio. As we are talking about our day, the frustration, fear, and anxiety continue to rise in my chest. During a break in conversation, I walk back inside and briskly walk to the kitchen shutting the two kitchen cupboard doors. The anxiety lifts slightly, but the frustration remains. Why do I have this obsessive need to have everything in order? Where does the fear of things being out of order come from? And why can I not control these thoughts? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was a confusing disorder for me to understand when I was first diagnosed. I now understand that I have unwanted thoughts and sensations that occur within my body that cause me to repeat or fixate on order and perfection. Sometimes the sensations that occur within my body are unconscious making it extra confusing. At the surface, it feels like tragedy will occur if things are not in the perfect order. Something tragic will happen if I do not close the cupboard doors. Rationally I understand that nothing horrible is going to occur if those cupboard doors are left open. Sometimes I even laugh at myself for this absurd thought. However, when I think through the root cause for this development, I gain more insight into what is occurring. My body has a good memory. Sometimes my body remembers things better than my mind. Tracing this reaction back to years ago. Things being out of order in the military especially on deployment to Iraq, often meant that tragedy could and would occur. While I may not be fully aware in the moment that cupboard doors or other things out of order are causing a trigger response from past experiences, my body remembers the out of control feeling. OCD is a mental illness that can be confusing to live with and has many myths and misunderstandings surrounding it. For me, understanding what is occurring is a good first step in coping. I still struggle with managing these symptoms but have a better understanding of what’s going on and am able to not let it control my everyday life. Author: Job

Job’s Reality

Job W / May 18, 2020

How has mental illness impacted your life? I have struggled with PTSD, major depression, OCD, and a fear of crowds. All of these stemmed from my time serving in Iraq. My mental illness caused me to shut people out of my life and close off my emotions. For many years I didn’t realize how much these things were impacting my life. Now looking back I can see that I was looking for ways to numb the pain, wasn’t sleeping at night, and was over working to distract my mind. I would often be angry at little things causing me to withdraw from people even more. Living in survival mode every day was painful for me and everyone around me. What does it look like for you to be mentally healthy? Communication is a big part of staying mentally healthy. Talking things through has helped me so much. I continue to go to talk therapy. I also talk through problems, concerns, and symptoms with my wife and family which is something I never did before. Accepting that symptoms of mental illness may never be completely gone, but knowing that I can manage my symptoms has given me hope. Now days, I still struggle with sleeping problems (not being able to fall asleep and having nightmares). There has been progress toward managing sleep, but it is still a work in progress. Compared to where I was before, I can say that the trial and error of finding the right treatment is worth it. Even with some aspects unresolved, my life has joy again.

Mistakes Don’t Define You

Forgiveness, Marriage, PTSD, Self Worth /

Job W / March 10, 2019

On March 10th, 2018 my life looked completely different. I was a train wreck knowing what I had to do later that afternoon. I was going to have a talk with my wife whom I had been separated from for 6 months. I was positive she would tell me to leave again and want the divorce. This was the day I told my wife that I had an affair and as a result there was a baby on the way. It was my fault that our relationship had been destroyed. How could I have screwed up so badly. I had everything and I lost all of it. It all started with the unwanted thoughts associated with war. They would haunt me day and night. I thought no one would understand the pain I was in. I began to self-medicate with alcohol, overworking, and withdrawing from all relationships. The choices that I made spiraled out of control. It happened so quickly, before I knew it, I was someone I didn’t at all recognize. The shame of my actions sent me spiraling into more isolation and led to more and more mistakes. I started to believe all the lies that began cycling in my head. I believe that my wife hated me. None of my family or friends would ever speak to me again. No one would ever understand me. I believed that I was worthless, my life was over, and that I would never know happiness again. That they would be better off if I died. I wondered if there was any value to my life. The person I had become was one that no one would recognize. I hated myself so how could I blame anyone for hating me. I envisioned crying, yelling, condemnation, divorce, losing the love of my life along with my child, and everything that we built together. I pictured all my family and friends turning their backs on me. After all, I had done the unforgiveable. The one thing that no one could ever forgive. Of all the scenarios that I played over and over in my head, the truth that played out was nothing that I could have imagined. After 2 hours of me talking and my wife listening, letting me get everything out before she responded, my wife told me that she forgave me. The first thoughts I had was: “How? I wouldn’t forgive me how can you? Am I dreaming right now?” I was in shock from the response, never once did I think that would ever happen. She told me that she wanted me to come home. She said we would work on our marriage, we would have partial custody of the new baby, that we would figure things out together, and we would repair our life. On that day I was given a second chance at life. This time I am bound and determined to make the most of every day. Prove to my wife and my boys that I am worth it. Together we leaned into our family, our church, and developed a plan for healing. One year later, there is hope and life in every breath that I take. Some days are long and hard even now, but I have purpose and happiness even in the hard days. That’s what I look back at one year ago. Now today after being diagnosed with and treated for combat PTSD, major depression, agoraphobia of crowds, and OCD I can separate what is real and what’s in my head(most days that is). I went 10 years without believing in God. Which for me, I grew up in faith and believed in God until I went overseas. Now I have found that faith again and it is so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. My bond with my wife is so much stronger and better than ever before. I’m back to being me. My family and friends have all welcomed me back and welcomed our new family of four. Our family is different than the traditional family, but it’s ours. Author: Job W. You might also be interested in:

Survivor’s Guilt

PTSD, You are not alone /

Job W / August 12, 2018

Why did I make it, and he didn’t? Why would God spare me and not him? Why do his kids and wife have to suffer, when it could have been me instead? If only I had been there, I could have saved him. I deserved to die, he did not. These are the questions and thoughts that have haunted me for 10 years. On March 30, 2008 I was preparing for the next mission but at the last minute, I was pulled off the mission. My commander said that I needed to rest, I had been out on too many missions. The decision was made so against my protests, another solider took my place that day. I headed back to my trailer to sleep. Hours later I woke up and headed over to “The TOC” to find out what I would be doing next. Walking into the building a buddy of mine pulled me outside and gave me the news. The truck I should have been on was hit by a roadside bomb. My truck partner didn’t make it. I did nothing to save him. I was asleep, completely helpless to my unit. If only I would have pushed harder to be on that mission, then I could have saved him. If I were in the truck, he would have lived. All would have been made right. If only I was on that truck. Joining the military, I set out to take part in protecting my country and maintaining a sense of justice and fairness. I knew the risks, I was prepared to accept the consequences of serving my country. What I was not prepared for was the amount of guilt I would feel for surviving. What is fair about losing the life of a solider, who was a husband, father, friend. At this time in my life, I did not have kids, I wasn’t married yet. In my mind, if anyone had to die it should have been me. Less people would be impacted by my death then his. Sure, my fiancé, parents, and family would be sad, but it was less sad than a child losing his father, and a wife her husband. My world view changed after this event. Instead of seeing a fair and just world, I saw an unfair, and terrible place. A place where it’s every man for himself. A place where there couldn’t possibly be a God who cares. 15 months after this moment, I was back home and about to marry the woman of my dreams. I felt undeserving of marriage. What makes me worthy of having a happily married life, when it should have been me that died on the battle field? Ten years later, I am still struggling with what some call Survivor’s Guilt. It is impossible to make sense of tragedy in this world. Impossible to figure out why some people are affected in tragedy and others are not. For many years, I allowed this guilt of surviving war to influence my day to day life. The truth is that the guilt was hiding the real emotion underneath. The overwhelming sadness that I felt after seeing war and the senseless loss of soldiers. Instead of dealing with the sadness, it came out in anger and guilt. The other harsh reality is while my soon-to-be wife, parents, and friends were celebrating my return and the up-coming wedding, I did not share in their joy. Instead of seeing the value that I brought to my family and friends, I took this for granted and continued to believe that I was not a worthy part of the family. I saw myself as a mistake. A mistake that didn’t deserve to be celebrated. It took significant hardships, regretful decisions, treatment, and unconditional love of those around me to see myself as a worthy. As someone that deserves life and happiness. For those that may be struggling with Survivor’s Guilt, related to war or other events, I would encourage you to learn from my mistakes. Don’t wait 10 years to address the guilt and pain. Look at the truth of the situation, look for the true emotions attached to the guilt, and look at all the family and friends that you have around you. Family and friends that would be devastated by losing you. Cherish relationship with them, because you are worthy of them. Surviving does not make you less worthy. Take care of your mental health, it’s just as important as physical health. Find ways to give back to those around you through volunteer work or helping others in your day to day life. I have to believe that I survived for a reason. I have to believe that his death was not for nothing. I owe it to all the soldiers that didn’t make it back, to cherish every moment of life. Valuing life instead of dwelling in the pain. There is no shame in surviving. Feeling guilty will not replace the heartbreak. Learning to cope and address the heartbreak is the only way to truly heal from the pain. To my fellow soldiers, if you are looking for places to reach out, see the resources listed below. Use the strength and courage that I know you have to get connected. Author: Job W. Resources for Vets: Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) https://www.veteranscrisisline.net https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/ https://hopeinahopelessworld.com/contact/ Resources for Families: https://www.caregiver.va.gov/