Walking into the house, I immediately noticed the two kitchen cupboard doors that were left open. 

It’s fine. I think to myself. Cupboard doors are not a big deal. 

I walk past the kitchen, I stop in the living room to greet my two boys who are overjoyed to see me and then I head toward the bedroom to change out of my work clothes. 

The cupboard doors are not hurting anything. They can stay open. The thoughts won’t stop. I have a strong urge to shut the cupboard doors. Everything must be in order. 

I walk back outside to join my wife on the front patio. As we are talking about our day, the frustration, fear, and anxiety continue to rise in my chest. During a break in conversation, I walk back inside and briskly walk to the kitchen shutting the two kitchen cupboard doors. The anxiety lifts slightly, but the frustration remains. 

Why do I have this obsessive need to have everything in order?  Where does the fear of things being out of order come from? And why can I not control these thoughts? 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was a confusing disorder for me to understand when I was first diagnosed. I now understand that I have unwanted thoughts and sensations that occur within my body that cause me to repeat or fixate on order and perfection. Sometimes the sensations that occur within my body are unconscious making it extra confusing. 

At the surface, it feels like tragedy will occur if things are not in the perfect order. Something tragic will happen if I do not close the cupboard doors. Rationally I understand that nothing horrible is going to occur if those cupboard doors are left open. Sometimes I even laugh at myself for this absurd thought. 

However, when I think through the root cause for this development, I gain more insight into what is occurring. My body has a good memory. Sometimes my body remembers things better than my mind. 

Tracing this reaction back to years ago. Things being out of order in the military especially on deployment to Iraq, often meant that tragedy could and would occur. While I may not be fully aware in the moment that cupboard doors or other things out of order are causing a trigger response from past experiences, my body remembers the out of control feeling. 

OCD is a mental illness that can be confusing to live with and has many myths and misunderstandings surrounding it. For me, understanding what is occurring is a good first step in coping. I still struggle with managing these symptoms but have a better understanding of what’s going on and am able to not let it control my everyday life.

Author: Job