Support for Family and Friends | Hope in a Hopeless World

Don’t Offer Platitudes

Crystal / March 10, 2020

In the fall of 2017, my world had been turned upside down. Depression, marital separation, and hopelessness made surviving each day seem impossible. I vividly remember standing in my kitchen wondering if my legs could continue to hold me up. As I leaned my back against the counter, my head was spinning from unwanted thoughts. I lowered myself to the ground and buried my head into my arms. My mom, who was visiting that evening, walked over and sat down next to me. I don’t remember the words she said, it was her presence and willingness to sit in the uncomfortable pain of the moment that stands out. The willingness to help carry the heartache. I’m not sure now long we sat there, but when I did stand up, my eyes were drawn to a card from a close friend. Amongst other words of encouragement it said “Don’t be afraid to feel the feels.” We as a society tend to be afraid to feel the hard stuff. It’s often easier to offer platitudes rather than holding space for the person to process. Platitudes are oversimplified phrases that are used to calm our minds or provide reassurance especially during difficult times. We may find ourselves saying things like: “Good things come to those who wait.” or “Time heals all wounds” or “Everything happens for a reason” or “Everything always works out in the end.” While some platitudes may hold truth, they don’t allow the mind to process the necessary emotions. These simple phrases may also minimize someone’s pain, causing them to feel unheard or dismissed. Instead of common platitudes hold space, be comfortable with silence, offer grace for the hard days, and most importantly don’t be afraid of hard emotions. They are a gift that allow healing. Author: Crystal

Protecting those that Protect Us

Crystal / November 11, 2019

This past week I heard the devastating news that two Minnesota police officers died by suicide. My heart breaks for what these men experienced in the days, months, and years leading up to their final moments. The tears quietly fall from my eyes as I think about the family they left behind. As I let the tears fall, I reflect back to a time, in the not so distant past, where I wondered if today would be the day that I would get that call. Several times I had wondered, “Would today be the day that someone shows up at my house to tell me that my husband died by suicide?” Fortunately for me, that moment never came. Later I would find out that my fears were too close to becoming reality. My husband spent 12 years serving in the Minnesota Army National Guard. It is here that he would make life long friends and find purpose in serving his country. It is also where he would witness horrific and tragic events that no human should ever have to see. Coming home he would suffer in silence as he relived the tragedies. During the day simple conversations or things in his environment would trigger memories. At night it was the nightmares that felt too real. Suicide is not selfish. Living in the constant place of trauma is unbearable and affects every moment of life. My husband would later tell me that he firmly believed that his family would be better off without him as a burden to daily life. He believed that because of the things he experienced and did during his time overseas, that the world didn’t need him around. He saw suicide as a selfless act to spare others from the monster he believed himself to be. I’ll never forget the day my husband opened up about his experiences; calling himself worthless. This strong, brave protector couldn’t see the hero that I saw. The men and women that are called to protect us on U.S. ground or overseas come in different forms; military branches, police officers, and first responders. As a community indebted to these men and women, we need to rally together to protect those that are called to protect us. Take a first step in showing that support by learning more about what these men and women go through. Research things to say and not say when you have the opportunity to have a conversation with them. Show them the love and support they deserve. In honor of Veteran’s Day, take some time to learn how you, as a community member, can help those that protect you every day. Not sure where to start? See the articles linked below. 💜 Author: Crystal How to talk to and support a Vet: https://warontherocks.com/2017/11/how-to-talk-to-a-veteran/ https://www.brainline.org/article/caring-veteran-ptsd-what-do-you-need-know Caregiver Resources: http://www.caregiver.va.gov/ Impact Stories from Police and Veteran: https://theofficernextdoor.com/2018/07/26/its-not-normal/ https://hopeinahopelessworld.com/2018/08/12/survivors-guilt-guest-author-job-w/

Compassion Fatigue

Compassion Fatigue, Support for Family and Friends, Tips, Work Struggles /

Crystal / March 25, 2019

As a social worker, people come to me with hard, if not impossible, problems to solve. Sometimes I have the answers to those problems. Sometimes I am called an angel, lifesaver, or hero. Other times, I fail to help the fragile or hurting person before me. It is not from a lack of trying. In fact, it’s these impossible problems that have no clear solution that keep me up at night. Laying awake problem solving long after my work day is over. These are the times that I can hear the disappointment and helplessness. I was their last resort and I failed. Instead of lifesaver, I hear failure, destroyer, bearer of bad news. Sometimes the person on the receiving end lets me know how much I failed them but most of the time it comes from with in. Its exhausting caring and constantly thinking about the needs of others. The drive to help in any way possible sent me spiraling down an overwhelming path. With each step I took I added more tasks, more stories, and more heartbreak to the pile. Every new story caused me to leave a piece of my heart behind. During those overwhelming and emotional days, I forgot a few important truths: It’s not my job to solve the impossible. No one can run on empty. There are things that I can do to protect my heart and show compassion. If you are in a helping profession, a caregiver, or generally like to help others, we need your compassionate heart in this world. In order to maintain that compassionate heart, you have to take care of it just like any other part of your body. Here are a few things to keep in mind as your head out into the world: Be kind to yourself. You are human. You cannot solve the impossible. Be content knowing that you are doing the best you can. There is enough negativity to go around. Work on getting rid of negative self-talk and strive to feed your mind positive things. Learn more. Learn about symptoms of compassion fatigue. Notice how your body is responding in different situations. Awareness to reactions and symptoms reduces the impact. Set personal boundaries and work hours. This is not being selfish. In fact, if you continue to over work and over commit, then you will quickly burn yourself out. The best thing you can do for others is model good self-care. If you take care of your own needs first, you will be more equipped to help someone else. This starts with setting personal boundaries and work hours and sticking to them. Schedule self-care. Put self-care on the calendar like you would any other important task. This should be your number one priority. If you want to continue helping people, you must make your own self-care a priority. Plan to take breaks through out the day. Set aside time that is just for you. Take a walk, do a meditation, read a book; something that will refocus on your own personal needs. Seek someone who will listen and understand. Talk about it! Find a trusted colleague, friend, advisor, spiritual leader, or counselor and discuss the impacts of compassion fatigue. Talk about how your mind and body are affected by caring for others. Releasing the thoughts from your mind can be very healing. Leave toxic environments. Sometimes the environment that we have chosen to work in is unhealthy. Be aware of unhealthy work environments and choose to build resiliency to those impacts or remove yourself from that situation. If you are working for someone that has unrealistic expectations, insufficient supervision, unsafe physical space, and generally doesn’t abide by best work place practices keep in mind that this is not a personal failure. Know your own limits and don’t take the heat for unrealistic practices. Accept the limits of being human. Help those you can and trust that others will do the same. The problems of those in front of you do not fall on your shoulders alone. Continue to care about people, just make sure that you are caring about yourself too! Author: Crystal

Someone you Love is Living with Depression

Depression, Support for Family and Friends /

Crystal / February 4, 2019

Chances are that someone in your life is living with depression. According to the ADAA (Anxiety and Depression Association of America), Depression effects 16.1 million adults in the US each year. Depression can be hard to see or explain, making it easy to ignore. What does depression look like? Depression can take form in many ways. If you are not around that person often, it’s possible that you may not notice anything different. Depression often will show up in little interest in life leading to inability to complete or keep up with daily life. For me, feelings of depression were masked by daily stressors. It was easy to come up with reasons for my low mood. Reflecting on that time, I can see that my choices for coping were ineffective. It felt like one day I was full of life and energy. I was happily married, baby on the way, working a rewarding job in social work, and “on track” with my life goals. Then a series of life events began to wear me down. Miscarriage, difficulty getting pregnant, and work stress were just a few weights that were added to my shoulders. Even with the added heartaches, I was still pushing through and trying to rise above, until depression and PTSD hit hard. Eventually our first child did come which proved to be far more difficult than anything that I imagined. There were gradual symptoms of depression and warning signs that were overlooked and rationalized away. It’s difficult to differentiate between normal exhaustion from pregnancy and a new baby and exhaustion from depression. It felt like one day I was doing great, the next day I wasn’t, and in a blink of an eye it was four years later. Four long, foggy years of untreated and ignored depression and PTSD. All my energy, drive, and interest were zapped out of me. Getting out of bed felt impossible. I was late to work often. Communication with those around me came to a complete halt and an internal battle began. My memories from those years are a blur. My life was on hold. The only tasks getting done were those needed for survival. Reality began to sink in when my husband and I began talking about divorce. Only then did I seek treatment. It became clear that I wasn’t the only one struggling with mental illness, my husband was too. Many hard lessons have been learned throughout the pain of mental illness and the healing process. I have gained insight into my marriage, effective communication, and healthy coping strategies. And I have gained a community of people. A community that understands the struggle, the isolation, and the confusion that comes from an illness that can at times feel invisible. In talking with others that have struggled with depression, I gathered a list of common things that you should know about your loved one who is living with depression. What should you know about living with someone that has depression? Lack of interest is not personal. One of the main symptoms of depression is the lack of interest or desire in anything. Unfortunately, this includes people. Depression causes strain on relationships, often because the person that is living with depression stops showing an interest in their relationships. This leaves family and friends feeling personally attacked. This is not a personal dislike or lack of love for you, it’s simply a symptom of the illness. Low ability to finish (or start) tasks is not due to laziness. Someone that is living with depression is not choosing to be lazy. Depression can be just as debilitating as physical illness. Shift your mind to thinking about them with an illness. If they had cancer what would your expectation of them be? If they didn’t have depression, would their desire to help with basic chores look different? Listening is better than fixing. Mental illness can be very isolating and confusing to explain. If someone you suspect has a mental illness and they are talking to you about symptoms, it can be easy to want to offer advice or try to fix the problem. One of the biggest problems is finding someone who will listen without fixing. Try using open-ended questions to encourage them to continue talking and active listening to show that you are interested in what they are saying. The best “fix” is often a listening ear that has no agenda. Communicate. If you feel like they are upset with you, don’t love you, or don’t care, then talk to them about those feelings. Be gentle, kind, and non-defensive. Chances are if they knew they were making you feel unloved, they would want to change that. Give them a chance to speak their truth without assuming for them. Grace, grace, grace. Mental illness is hard to navigate. Offer grace as much as possible. There is power in unconditional love and grace. Use that power to promote positive change and healthy thinking. Take care of yourself. You will get burnt out from caretaking if you don’t plan to take care of yourself. This may include treatment for your own needs, scheduled on-going time with friends/support group/church group, whatever you need to do to fill yourself up. Do not feel guilty about enjoying your time and practicing healthy boundaries. Modeling healthy self-care is a great first step to helping your loved one get through depression. Remember that this is not how it will always be. Keep in mind that depression is an illness that is treatable, but it takes time. Even after symptoms improve, there may be hard days. Remind yourself that this is not how it will always be. You will have good days and bad days just like everything else in life. It’s tough watching those we love struggle with an illness. It’s even harder to understand an illness that can’t be easily seen or explained. You have a spirit of Power, Love, and Self-Control. Control your responses and offer love in …

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Navigating Conflict

Communication, Marriage, Support for Family and Friends, Tips /

Crystal / January 19, 2019

You’ve reflected on the issue at hand, decided that the person you have a conflict with will be receptive to an honest conversation, and determined the best time to talk. Now that the time is here, how should you go about it? Here are some quick tips to navigating those difficult conversations. 1 . Go in with an open mind. Let go of any strong feelings or attachments you have to your point of view. Be willing to change your mind. Before entering the conversation try journaling, reflecting, prayer, mediation, or listening to music. Do your best to clear your mind before entering the conversation. 2 . Focus on preserving your relationship, not being right. It’s easy to get focused on our opinions and what we believe is best. Take a step back before entering the conversation and think about the relationship that you have with that person. Is the conflict at hand worth ruining your relationship? If the answer is no, respond with the relationship in mind. 3 . Take breaks. Notice Triggers. If at any time during the conversation you feel yourself in the fight, flight, or freeze response that may be an indication that you have been triggered and need to take a break. Remaining calm and kind during a conflict conversation is crucial to making both sides feel respected and productive. Take a break to re-center your mind. 4 . Be quick to listen. Be curious about the other person’s point of view. Ask them to share their thoughts on the issue and really listen to them. Repeat back to them what you heard them say without judgement or additions. Do not try to tell them why they are wrong or why their ideas won’t work. The goal is to gain an understanding of their point of view not argue your point. 5 . Ask for your opinions to be heard. After you have taken the time to actively listen to the other person’s point of view. Ask them to listen to your thoughts. Tell them that they don’t have to agree with you. Just ask for them to listen and try to understand your point of view. 6 . Evaluate Honestly. If the evidence provided causes you to change your mind, be open to that. It takes a strong person to let go of their pride and admit that they were wrong. Be that strong person when the opportunity arises. You might be surprised at how good it feels to let go of your pride and take on a humble stance. Alternatively, if the other person changes their mind, don’t gloat about being right. Remember that we are focusing on the relationship with the other person, and not on winning the conflict. 7 . Best plans come from compromise. Most of the time there is going to be good reasons on both sides of the conflict. The beauty about being human is that we all come with our different values, beliefs, experiences, gifts, and talents. On our own we may be able to do some good things, but together we can do amazing things. After each person has shared their background and stance on the issue, brainstorm possibly solutions to the problem. Maybe even write all the solutions down without judgement. Then discuss which ones each person could live with as a compromise. 8 . Plan to revisit. Schedule a time to revisit this conversation. Sometimes trial and error is needed to come to a solutions that is best. Check-in to see if the solution is working for both parties. If the solution is not working, discuss concerns and possible alternative solutions.

Grace for the Hard Days

Support for Family and Friends /

Crystal / November 17, 2018

The person you love has told you that they have been struggling with a mental illness. You want to do and say all the right things so you think extra carefully about what to say next, but you are left wondering if you’ve said enough. How can I help them? What if I made it worse? Often well-intentioned family and friends tend to overthink and dwell on how to help their loved one. We forget how far the power of a listening ear and a kind heart can go. If someone has disclosed to you that they have a mental illness, take that as a huge compliment. They trust you. Releasing those words into the air and out of their heart was more therapeutic than you will ever know. The question remains: How do I respond? I have complied a list of tips that have been helpful to those living with mental illness. If you feel that your loved one is at immediate risk of harming themselves or someone else, see the resources at the bottom of this page and act immediately. 6 Ways to Support your Family or Friend living with Mental Illness Believe them. Mental illness is often an unseen condition. You may not be able to see their signs and symptoms, but if they are telling you that they struggle with some form of mental illness don’t down play it. Believe and trust that it is true. Don’t try to fix it. Instead try to understand. It’s human nature to want to fix a problem. Sometimes problems are not ours to fix. Instead of trying to offer solutions, try to understand what mental illness looks like for them. You could ask questions like “What do anxiety/depression/mental illness symptoms look like for you?” “What does a hard day look like?” “Are there things that make a hard day worse?” “Are there things that make a hard day better?” Offer grace instead of frustration. Cancelled plans. Ignored texts or phone calls. Lack of follow through. Unexplained silence or avoidance. These can all be symptoms of mental illness. Don’t take it personally if your lunch date with a friend is rescheduled multiple times. It does not mean that they are avoiding you. It’s possible that their symptoms are heightened, and they have entered survival mode. Choose to offer grace and kindness as much as possible. They are feeling enough guilt for both of you. Keep inviting them to events. They want to be included and feel wanted even if they can’t physically get there. Learn to love silence. Be comfortable with silence. Sometimes your presence is all that is needed. If you are searching for the perfect words or are bombarding them with a constant stream of talk, then their thoughts and words might be washed out. Silence is great and can allow the person to gather their thoughts and will show them that you are in no rush. Take time to learn more. Seek out resources and articles that describe the causes, symptoms, and treatments for their specific illness. If you need help finding information, reach out to us at Hope in a Hopeless World under our request for resources section. After you have taken the time to believe in them, understand, offer grace, and learn more, then when the time is right encourage them to take the next steps toward treatment. Immediately offering solutions before you truly understand them can be counterproductive. However, if your family or friend is showing signs of harming themselves or others act immediately. Additional resources at the bottom of this page can help you through that process. Take care of yourself. Perhaps the most important of all of these, is to take care of your own mental and physical health. Setting appropriate boundaries, taking time for self-care, practicing positive thinking, and taking care of your own personal needs will be crucial to helping someone else. Your family or friend wants to see you in a good place, they do not want to see you burned out from them. Mental illness is far more common then it may seem. Making the choice to offer grace as your first reaction will make a huge impact on the lives of those around you. And as a bonus you will being practicing health thinking too. <3 Author: Crystal Additional Resources: Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741, https://www.crisistextline.org/ For additional information on how to help someone with a mental illness check out NAMIs tip sheet. https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/NAMI-FaithNet/Tips-For-How-to-Help-a-Person-with-Mental-Illness