There is a saying, “Don’t let the past haunt you.” I have definitely allowed this to happen in my own life. Past hurts, past choices, past relationships. Past circumstances and past seasons. While it’s good to learn from our past, we should not dwell on it and allow it to take over our present life. I recently started seeing a new therapist and after one session she already had me thinking about how my past is affecting my present. She began putting names to events I have gone through and helped me realize that several of them were traumatic. I am still holding onto them in one way or another because I haven’t allowed myself to forgive my past. In an interview entitled How to Forgive and Let Go of Your Past, Joyce Meyer said: “If people can understand that as long as they don’t forgive, they are poisoning themselves. Hating somebody that’s hurt you is like taking poison hoping they’ll die.” Joyce acknowledged that a lot people want to forgive, but don’t know how to do it. She says we can decide to forgive, but not actually walk it out in our lives by taking the necessary action. We have to recognize this and acknowledge that when we do this, we are still taking in that poison. There are several actions we can put into practice in different areas of our lives that can help us deal with unresolved bitterness, forgive our past and ultimately overcome evil with good: 1) Thought Action: Change how you think about others and your past experiences by praying for blessings for those that have hurt you. This can be a very difficult thing to do, but also transformational. Instead of thinking negatively about your hurts and your past, ask God to bless others through it. 2) Talking Action: Stop talking unkindly about people who have hurt you. Words are powerful. When we speak unkindly about someone we are ultimately allowing them tocontinue to hurt us, sometimes years after the incident occurred. 3) Feeling Action: Ask God to help change how you feel. Sometimes we can change how we think and talk, but our feelings don’t follow suit. We might still feel angry, sad, orfearful about a person or experience. It will take time for these feelings to subside, but with patience and help, you can overcome the feelings of hurt. 4) Walking Action: Do things God prompts you to do, even if you don’t want to or don’t feel like it. This is where you put yourself out there. You’ve worked on your thoughts, your words and your feelings and now it’s time to put them into practice. I have many things to work through, but just like we can forgive others and forgive ourselves, we can also forgive our past. We don’t have to let it hold us captive. We can forgive our past and be set free.

The warmer whether is here and it’s what we look forward to all winter. Yet for me the change in temperature comes with a drastic change in energy level. I can feel the heaviness in my legs, arms, feet, and eyes. Lifting one foot in front of the other feels impossible at times. The heaviness consumes my mind if am not careful. It is easy to feel the helplessness creep in.  We are quick to offer grace and forgiveness to friends or others when they have “less productive” days or challenging times and yet we don’t offer ourselves the same courtesy. Let’s change that! Here are a few tips toward self forgiveness: 1. Acknowledge. What areas in your life do you need to offer yourself forgiveness? And what areas do you need to offer acceptance? There is a difference between these two. For example, I should not feel guilt over the low energy that comes with summer. This is out of my control and accepting this part of me helps to let go of some of the pressure. And I should forgive myself for the negative self-talk that might come with it. The way I talk to myself and treat my body is within my control. When I choose to speak poorly about myself, this is not healthy or helpful.  2.Forgive. Once you have identified those ineffective and harmful actions you are making to your body. Spend some time thinking about what is helpful and what is harmful then offer forgiveness to yourself for those harmful things. 3. Change. Make realistic changes to your thoughts and actions. Give yourself permission to start small. For me, I may not have energy to do all the things that I can in the cooler months but I can be kind to myself and develop a more realistic plan. It might mean that I don’t get all the active work-outs or projects done, but I can choose to continue to eat foods that make my body feel good. In what areas will you offer yourself forgiveness this week? How might you use these steps to process? Let’s be kind to our minds and bodies and allow ourselves space to make mistakes, to process those mistakes, and to make plans to do better. 

After something painful happens there are natural emotions and physical reactions that occur.  If we act on anger or ignore those reactions, we can make our pain worse.  Forgiveness is for you, it’s not for anyone else.  Forgiveness offers freedom and healing, so how do we get a place of forgiveness after something tragic? Forgiveness is a process. A process that should not be rushed. 1.Understand Forgiveness. Forgiveness often gets confused with other things. Forgiveness is not trust, reconciliation, or weakness.  There are changes in your mind and heart that can lead to reconciliation and trust can be built over time. However, those are steps that can be sorted out with that person at a later time. Forgiveness takes great strength that comes from within. Understanding forgiveness is the first step in the process. 2.Feel your emotions. Don’t rush into forgiveness.  You were hurt and likely faced unfair circumstances that no one deserves.  It’s never ok for someone to hurt you.  Mourn your disappointments. Feel the anger, the heartbreak, and the sadness. Find ways to release the emotions in healthy ways. Don’t make life changing decisions during this time. Take a step back, retreat to safety, and process those emotions. 3.Find stress management and coping techniques. While it’s important to allow time to feel our emotions, sometimes we can ruminate on events that happened. Replaying the pain over and over in our mind. When this happens, it can be important to distract your mind. Schedule time to feel and process and then stop. It might help to set a timer and vent to a friend and then choose a different activity after the timer is up. Or take out a journal and fill up a few pages and then go for a run, watch a movie, or something that will take your mind off the painful event. Find the stress management techniques that work best for you. 4.Confide in a friend. It’s hard to carry a heavy burden all on your own. Find someone in your circle of friends or family that you can tell. Having someone else know the struggles you are facing, can help lighten the load. It’s amazing what talking it out can do. 5.Focus on your actions. The actions of others are not within your control. Don’t wait for an apology or repentance. That’s their path to walk. We don’t have to let the people around us have control over our happiness. You get to choose forgiveness on your own terms. 6.Release feelings of revenge. To forgive is to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” Revenge or anger will not make you feel better. After you have actively worked at processing these emotions and allowed time to pass, release the anger. Redirect your mind to helpful, productive tasks. If anger continues to be a problem, seek help from someone that can help you work through the anger. Author: Crystal For more articles on Forgiveness, check out our Forgiveness Series.

My husband and I have shared our story many times. If you missed it you can read from his perspective here or mine here. The conversations that naturally follow are filled with questions and wonder. “How could you forgive something like that?” “How do you know it wont happen again?” “Isn’t that hard to live with?” “How can you trust after that?” “I couldn’t do that if I were you.” The truth is: I didn’t think I could forgive something this big either. Every question that someone asks are the same questions I’ve asked myself. Each person comes in with there own story, background, and hurts. What I have learned along the way is this: Forgiveness if for you. It isn’t necessarily about the other person. Forgiveness is a personal journey that you can choose to take. This journey can be about forgiving someone else or choosing to forgive yourself. It’s important to remember that we have control over how we respond in painful situations. The hard truth is that you will be let down by someone at some point along the way. Not one person is perfect. Your best friend, your parents, teachers, siblings, or significant other will do something that causes you pain. No matter how big or small that event is you don’t have control over their actions. You do have control over how you respond. What will you choose? Will it be revenge and anger? Avoidance and withdrawal? Or maybe you could respond with mercy and forgiveness? However you choose, that response is yours. You own it. You have more control than you know. Revenge Revenge is the act of inflicting harm on someone else to get even. Payback is a natural response when we are hurting. It might feel good in the moment thinking of ways to make the other person feel the pain that you have experienced. When impulse for revenge is acted on, more hurt is added to our world. It will likely leave you feeling more hurt then before. You have now just allowed the original offender to cause you to do something that you normally would not do to another person. Avoidance Ignoring or avoiding the problem, might delay healing. Hurtful events need to be processed and discussed. Protection needs to be put into place to avoid further pain. Avoiding the painful event or person may cause that hurt to fester and grow inside you. This lets the pain from someone else to become bigger and more painful. Mercy To show mercy and forgiveness? Showing mercy is the act of compassion and forgiveness toward someone that is undeserving. It doesn’t mean that you let them out of their natural consequences or immediately trust again. It’s to maintain kindness and wish no harm to them. This is freeing! This allows you to use your strength to overcome. You get to choose to let the pain and hurt stop with you. You get to control how much that pain filters your body. It allows you to stop searching for ways to “make it right” and choose to let go. Choose forgiveness and add light into your world. You have the strength to stop letting the actions of others effect your joy. Author: Crystal You might also be interested in:

Forgiveness is one of those confusing, hard to explain, and hard to wrap your head around terms. They hurt me, why should I have to do anything? Forgiveness can heal past or present hurts, so it’s extra important that we don’t confuse forgiveness for something that it is not. Forgiveness is Not… 1.Reconciliation. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Sometimes forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. However, you can choose to forgive and choose to not associate with that person at the same time. Sometimes you have to choose to forgive and move on in order to protect yourself and heal from the pain. 2.Agreement with the person or group that hurt you. Forgiveness is not agreement. It does not mean that you agree or condone their actions. Psychologists define forgiveness as “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” The person that hurt you might not deserve forgiveness. They have to live with their poor choices and find their own peace with those decisions. You don’t have to change your morals and agree with those choices. 3.Saying what they did is ok. Forgiveness is not saying what they did is ok. Much like forgiveness does not require you to agree with their actions, it also does not require you to say that it is ok. It’s not ok for someone to cause harm to you. If someone accidently bumps into you, you might sincerely mean that it is fine that they did that, but we can’t apply this phrase to all situations. Somethings will just never be ok for someone to do. 4.Trust. Forgiveness is not trust. Trust is something that is earned over time. When trust is broken, it may take a while to rebuild. After you choose to forgive someone you may or may not build trust over time. It is possible to forgive someone and then decide later if you are willing or able to trust them. 5.Weakness. Forgiveness is not weakness. In fact forgiveness builds great strength and resilience. It is a hard task to complete. If you can reach a point of forgiveness for those that hurt you, you take back control over the situation. Forgiveness gives you strength and control in your life. 6.Letting someone out of their consequences. Forgiveness is not letting someone out of their consequences. Justice and consequences are different than revenge. Without consequences for poor actions we would never learn. Consequences are a good thing. They help us grow and learn right from wrong. Revenge is wishing the worst for someone or intentionally seeking to do wrong to them. This is not helpful for anyone involved. When you think of forgiveness it is important to remove the pre-conceived ideas that often get associated with forgiveness. Sometimes there is pressure to quickly let go, forget that you were hurt, and move on. Forgiveness is a process that leads to great healing. Take your time to learn the true meaning of forgiveness, and allow your hurt to heal. Author: Crystal Look for more articles on forgiveness in our May Forgiveness Series You might also be interested in: