When my husband and I decided to separate and talks of divorce begun, these became some of the loneliness days of my life. My world went from the chaos of being a wife and a mom, to a quiet house with little movement half of the time. I remember sitting in my 3-year-old’s room wondering who I am without my child here. Prior to the marital separation, there were days that I longed for a few moments of quiet, uninterrupted time. There were days when my mind was so deep into the darkness of depression that I thought running away from all my responsibilities would be the only way I would survive. But now here I was with no responsibilities and I didn’t feel better. I quickly realized that I was blaming the chaos of life for my low mood and little interest in life. With many of life’s responsibilities removed, I still had low energy, little interest in anything, and now a new feeling had surfaced: Loneliness. Looking back, I can see that the loneliness had crept in long before separating from my husband. Loneliness is one of those confusing emotions that can hit us when we are alone or even in the middle of a crowded room. It comes from not feeling connected with others or not being understood by those around you. It is one of the scariest places to live. Loneliness breathes life to hopelessness, diminished self-worth, and a cycle of unhealthy thinking. Thanksgiving of 2017 was a pivotal point in my journey. This would be the first major holiday away from my child. He would be spending the day with my soon-to-be ex husband and his family whom I still viewed as my own. The days leading up to Thanksgiving, I began to wonder if life was worth living. I hated who I was becoming and where my life was going. I was sitting on my bedroom floor feeling hopeless and alone, when my phone rang. It was my mom, who must have heard the pain in my voice and before I knew it, she was at my front door. She came with open arms and a bag full of food sent by the close friends she was with when she called. Don’t underestimate the impact of community and small acts of kindness. You never know when that simple phone, warm smile, or meal will be life changing for another person. In the months that followed, I decided that I needed to make some changes. I schedule an appointment with my therapist and began discussing ways to overcome the deep loneliness that I was feeling. I couldn’t change my life circumstances, but I could change how I approached it. I could take back the control over my life and be intentional about how I would spend my time. Ultimately these were the things that helped me the most: Talking about it. I scheduled weekly appointments with my therapist and was honest about how I was feeling. The power of talking should not be underestimated. You can pretend in front of strangers and acquaintances and even some family or friends, but someone should know your true feelings. Talk therapy has many benefits and was very effective for me. During these appointments I was also able to explore other avenues that would help me cope. Finding a community that understands. I joined a women’s group through my church and began to develop deep relationships with the ladies in that group. They would be a sturdy structure of support throughout the rough days ahead. This led to Elizabeth and I launching a Peer-Lead Mental Health Support group which then led to an online blog and mental health outreach. Journaling. Writing for me became therapeutic. There is a form of release that occurs from getting the thoughts and feelings out of my body and on to paper. I could let the true unfiltered thoughts and worries out of my mind, which allowed me to move past them. Learning more about mental health and spirituality. I began to read more about healthy thinking, symptoms of mental illness, and spirituality. Learning about why I was experiencing symptoms of mental illness and what I believed about spirituality was important for my journey through loneliness. I needed to learn for myself what my illness looked like and what I believed about this world. Loneliness is often an overlooked feeling that many don’t know how to respond to. I know that it can be overwhelming. There is hope. Continue to walk the path in front of you and trust that there is light at the end. Explore and find things along the way that help get you through the dark days. Join a support group, a church that you trust, confide in a friend or a therapist, begin to sort out your thoughts through journaling or learning. Do something that allows you to have control in your life. Author: Crystal

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment that isolation began to creep into our lives, but slowly my husband and I experienced a steady drift toward isolation. It’s amazing looking back. One day we were the happy, power couple that would be together forever, shared every moment of success and failure, and simply did life together. The next day, we were passing ships. Lost in a world of panic attacks, nightmares, paralyzing anxiety, and fear. Passing ships that would eventually reach for permanent separation as a way out. A way to fix the pain. Naturally one would think that two best friends and life partners would connect over experiencing similar symptoms. Our mental illnesses were caused by separate events, but the symptoms were eerily similar, as were our coping styles. Denial. Isolation. Flight. Thoughts around “This is all in my head.” “I should be able to handle this.” “No one would understand.” “It’s not as bad as what other people have” “No one has noticed a change in me.” Whatever the reason for the timing, my husband and I were struck with the impact of mental illness at the same time. Unable to provide comfort or support to the other. How can two people, best friends and life partners, be sharing the same experience but still feel so alone? It was during the lowest time in our marriage, that I knew something needed to change. Symptoms that should have been obvious, had been ignored for too long. The sound of a scream on TV would send me running for cover, even in the safety of my own home. The nightmares that would come at night would soon become the reason I would live on 3 hours of sleep each night. The simple brush of my arm in a crowded space would mean that I was being violated against my will. The ring of my phone meant that there was another person calling me that I couldn’t help. Another person that needed a Social Worker with better skills than I. Hopelessness, social withdrawal, avoided eye contact, chest pain, flashbacks. Survival mode. My body and mind were doing anything it could to hide from the fears in my mind. Which meant hiding from family, friends, co-workers, and even my husband, the one true love in my life. Somehow, I even brushed off a hospital stay as a “fluke.” I was seen in the emergency room for severe abdominal pain, vomiting blood, chest pain, difficulty breathing, and irregular heartbeat and still I refused all follow-up care after the hospital visit because the doctors didn’t find anything physically wrong with me. The power of mental illness does not only affect your mind. Often the physical changes will be the first symptoms noticed. It was several months after my visit to the hospital that I finally sought treatment. After learning about my own symptoms, it became abundantly obvious that my husband was experiencing similar symptoms. Even though we had already begun the separation process, I pushed him to seek help for his symptoms. To my surprise, he followed through on his first appointment and learned that he was living with combat PTSD, OCD, and Major Depression. It was a long road to recovery for the two of us and there were mistakes that were made during this time. A time of survival. A time of seeking for anything to heal the pain, anything to distract from the living nightmare that had us trapped inside. The greatest lesson we have learned along the way, is to let people in. There are people that will understand. There are people that want to help you through and stand with you, but they cannot do that if they are not given the opportunity. Isolation is a dangerous and scary place to live. Take the first step today to reach out to someone. Schedule an appointment, find a support group, confide in a friend. The hope that comes with healing, is more than worth it. The loneliness that you may be feeling now will not last forever. In fact, the struggles that we are handed in life are bound to make us more compassionate, understanding, and strong. Use your low points in life, to prove that your trials and troubles do not define you. Tell your fear and doubts that you are in control. Author: Crystal