Communication | Hope in a Hopeless World

Look who’s up!

Communication, Parenting, You are not alone /

Crystal / November 3, 2019

I climbed up the steep stairs of my grandparents lake house. I wondered if anyone is awake yet, in this dark quiet house. As my small child size legs reached the top of the stairs, I could smell the fresh brewed coffee and the familiar sounds of the news playing on the TV in the background. “Well look who’s up!” I can still see the big grin on my papa’s smiling face, as he turned toward me. That simple statement and excitement still makes my heart feel warm and my spirit feel welcomed. Today, I am sitting in my dark living room, reflecting back on this short by rich memory. I would be embarrassed to admit that I am dreading the moment my children wake up. I love my children dearly, it’s just that I am so physically and mentally exhausted. Taking care of my own needs is hard enough on days like these. I think of the way that the welcoming words of my papa in those early mornings uplifted my spirit and still do even after he has passed on. A gentle reminder that the words and attitude that I use toward my children can have lasting impacts. My mind and body may be tired, but a simple smile and friendly morning greeting seems doable. Taking a deep breath in, I enjoy the last few minutes of silence. Hearing the rustling of blankets being thrown off and little feet scurrying down the hallway, I look toward the noise to see my 5 year old rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “You are awake! Good morning buddy.” I say with a smile. His immediate grin is followed by rushing over for snuggles on the couch. Not every morning starts like this. Sometimes I forget that my words have great meaning to my kids. When I stop to pay attention, it amazes me how much my actions and words influence my small family. What have you noticed in the world around you? How have your actions and words influenced others? The simple words of my papa in days long ago still play in my mind. What words of yours will play in the minds of others? Choose kindness. Choose to uplift even if all you can do that day is lend a smile. It’s the small everyday actions that go a long way. Author: Crystal

Navigating Conflict

Communication, Marriage, Support for Family and Friends, Tips /

Crystal / January 19, 2019

You’ve reflected on the issue at hand, decided that the person you have a conflict with will be receptive to an honest conversation, and determined the best time to talk. Now that the time is here, how should you go about it? Here are some quick tips to navigating those difficult conversations. 1 . Go in with an open mind. Let go of any strong feelings or attachments you have to your point of view. Be willing to change your mind. Before entering the conversation try journaling, reflecting, prayer, mediation, or listening to music. Do your best to clear your mind before entering the conversation. 2 . Focus on preserving your relationship, not being right. It’s easy to get focused on our opinions and what we believe is best. Take a step back before entering the conversation and think about the relationship that you have with that person. Is the conflict at hand worth ruining your relationship? If the answer is no, respond with the relationship in mind. 3 . Take breaks. Notice Triggers. If at any time during the conversation you feel yourself in the fight, flight, or freeze response that may be an indication that you have been triggered and need to take a break. Remaining calm and kind during a conflict conversation is crucial to making both sides feel respected and productive. Take a break to re-center your mind. 4 . Be quick to listen. Be curious about the other person’s point of view. Ask them to share their thoughts on the issue and really listen to them. Repeat back to them what you heard them say without judgement or additions. Do not try to tell them why they are wrong or why their ideas won’t work. The goal is to gain an understanding of their point of view not argue your point. 5 . Ask for your opinions to be heard. After you have taken the time to actively listen to the other person’s point of view. Ask them to listen to your thoughts. Tell them that they don’t have to agree with you. Just ask for them to listen and try to understand your point of view. 6 . Evaluate Honestly. If the evidence provided causes you to change your mind, be open to that. It takes a strong person to let go of their pride and admit that they were wrong. Be that strong person when the opportunity arises. You might be surprised at how good it feels to let go of your pride and take on a humble stance. Alternatively, if the other person changes their mind, don’t gloat about being right. Remember that we are focusing on the relationship with the other person, and not on winning the conflict. 7 . Best plans come from compromise. Most of the time there is going to be good reasons on both sides of the conflict. The beauty about being human is that we all come with our different values, beliefs, experiences, gifts, and talents. On our own we may be able to do some good things, but together we can do amazing things. After each person has shared their background and stance on the issue, brainstorm possibly solutions to the problem. Maybe even write all the solutions down without judgement. Then discuss which ones each person could live with as a compromise. 8 . Plan to revisit. Schedule a time to revisit this conversation. Sometimes trial and error is needed to come to a solutions that is best. Check-in to see if the solution is working for both parties. If the solution is not working, discuss concerns and possible alternative solutions.

Healthy Conflict.

Communication, Marriage /

Crystal / January 14, 2019

My husband is a republican military veteran and is married to me a democratic social worker. Is that not the definition of confliction? Based on debates and interactions that I have witnessed, we should be in constant conflict, anger, and disagreement. Conflict is one of those hard to navigate facets of life that comes around more then we would like it to. Conflict finds us at home, at work, at the store, when we expect it, and when we don’t. It’s not going away, so what are our options? What is the best way to navigate conflict? Ignore the Problem. Ignoring the problem may keep us in our comfort zone and away from highly confrontational interactions that some of us dread and avoid at all costs. This may be appropriate in some situations, however, before using this as your go to response you may want to consider a few things. Consider the relationship you have with that person and the impact of the conflict. Is this a relationship that you value? Is the conflict in question one that will have major impacts on your daily life? If so, ignoring the issue at hand, may be setting yourself up for increased tensions and growing hatred. Your silence may tell that person that you agree with the way they talked to you or with how they are handling a situation. They will likely continue with that behavior not knowing that they upset you. Naturally you will become increasingly annoyed, and they will be oblivious. You may even begin keeping score with someone that doesn’t know they are playing the game. Demand your Opinion be Heard. If ignoring it makes your insides boil, you may choose to boil over and demand that your opinions be heard. All those built up feelings are no longer eating you away and the other person knows exactly how you feel. If your goal is to create a trusting, lasting, working relationship, you may want to reconsider. The person on the receiving end will likely leave that interaction feeling run over and unheard. You may have just lost trust with that person and the chances of them sharing their true feelings and opinions with you in the future has just drastically decreased. Passive-Aggressive Hints. If ignoring the problem leaves your feelings trapped inside and demanding to be heard leaves those you care about insecure, it’s only natural that the middle ground that many resort to is passive-aggressive hints. This style of addressing conflict allows you to keep the peace in the moment and then quietly hint toward change later. The downside is that the other person will be left to guess and generally we as people are horrible guessers. This leaves a lot of room for error. Your hints may be misinterpreted, taken as offensive, or missed all together. You might escape the initial conversation, but most likely you will still feel the tension rising. Honest, Open Conversation. Leaving someone guessing may work in some situations, when the other is very perceptive and can roll with the hints. What happens the rest of the time when the other person does not understand the hidden messages? What happens when the perceptive person gets tired of guessing and they stop trying? Perhaps you could try an open conversation. Allow each person to truly express their opinions and feelings without judgement to resolve the conflict while preserving the relationship. You will find that this style of addressing conflict may be the most productive and the most vulnerable. In order to effectively talk about the conflict, you will have to be willing to share how you are feeling and the impacts on you. Then be ready to accept how the other person is feeling without reacting defensively. The more you practice being honest and kind the more natural it will feel. There is a time and a place for different forms of conflict resolution. Whatever you decide, make it an intentional choice. One that is thought out and not centered in emotion. Make a choice that is right for you and those you value most. As for this democratic social worker and her republican military veteran, I can tell you firsthand that when we truly try to understand the other’s point of view, we often leave the conversation with the same belief as when we started but we find common ground through active listening and conversation. We leave feeling heard and respected. You can co-exist with differences in opinion. It’s how you treat those with a different opinion that truly matters most. Author: Crystal Not signed up for our newsletter? Click below to get signed up. Sign-up for Newsletter