Pain & Purpose | Hope in a Hopeless World

Grief

Crystal / December 27, 2020

I will never forget the day of my grandma’s funeral. Hours before guests began to arrive, my family gathered in the small-town church that my grandparents attended. I stood near the front of the church with my cousins as my grandpa approached the small box of ashes that now represented the significant loss in our family. He placed both hands the box and his entire body gave into the heartbreak he was feeling. His body shook and loud sobs escaped from deep within. Even now, ten years later, I cannot stop the tears from falling as I reflect on this moment. I think my family would agree with me, that two years after my grandma passed away, my grandpa would die of broken heart. Grief and loss have powerful impacts on our mind and body. Often, I think there is shame associated with the emotions that surface during a time of grieving. Somehow, in today’s culture, we convince ourselves that we are weak if we grieve past the unspecified and unspoken time frame. Like there should be a cutoff date for when the pain and emotions should leave our body. While it might benice if there was such thing as a date. A date for when grief stops. However, this is not how loss works. It is normal and ok to have waves of grief over significant loss in our lives. If wish I could take away the pain you may be feeling, but instead I offer you these three important reminders. Feeling your emotions is good. Repeat this to yourself over and over when that shame creeps in. Write it on your mirror, in your journal, or somewhere you will see it. Feeling your emotions is good. Overwhelming sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration, heartbreak, etc. will surface and these feelings have to go somewhere. Let those emotions out. Feeling your emotions is good. Sharing memories is therapeutic. Those everyday memories of the person you lost can be painful reminders at times. Find someone to talk to and share those memories. You might say something like: “It helps me when talk about ____ (name of person), can I share a memory that has been on my mind?” People generally want to help and this is an easy thing for someone to do. It will allow the other person to feel like they are helping and will allow you that connection you need. If you don’t have a person that you feel comfortable talking to, send your memory in an email to us at Hope in a Hopeless World! We would love to hear your memories of that loved one. New traditions can be helpful. Finding ways to incorporate that person into your everyday life or celebrations is a healthy way to honor them and allow you to feel connected to them. Each time I use my grandpa’s coca cola coffee mug, I whisper a quiet statement of gratitude for the person he was and the impact he has on my life. Grief and loss are one of the hardest parts about life. It can be debilitating, confusing, and unfair. I see you and I feel your pain. It is ok to grieve. You are not weak for feeling those emotions. Feeling your emotions is good. Author: Crystal

When Things Don’t Go as Planned

Pain & Purpose /

Elizabeth / December 7, 2020

I snuggled into my recliner with my favorite mug and enjoyed the quiet morning. I took in the familiar taste of the peppermint mocha creamer. I decided to set an early alarm so I would have more than enough time to get ready, and as I noted the four hour mark, I walked to the sink and rinsed my mug. The night before I had precisely followed all the pre-surgery directions to shower and then wait an hour before using special cloths to sanitize my skin. I re-read the instructions for the fifteenth time. No food after midnight. Only drink water and Gatorade until up to 4 hours beforehand. That morning we arrived early, so my sister snagged a front row parking spot and we took advantage of the extra time to catch up. Since she couldn’t come in with me, we exchanged a hug in the car and I told her I would see her later that afternoon. I went into the lobby and stopped at the screening desk, explaining that I was Covid positive last month and wasn’t required to have a test prior to surgery. The elderly woman nodded and instructed me to head to the fourth floor. After checking in with the receptionist, I picked the sunniest spot in the waiting room. As I sat down, I noticed the TV screen with a list of patients by number. The man in the chair across from me fidgeted anxiously in his seat while looking up at the screen. I joked that it reminded me of the airport and he pointed out which number I was and said he could tell by the time I had checked in. He seemed incredibly nervous, breathing anxiously, so I said a quick prayer for him as he was called back. I was next. The nurse introduced himself and went through all of the procedural questions before leaving the room so I could change. After putting on the hospital gown and slipper socks, he returned to the room and stood awkwardly against the wall across from the bed. “Since you had coffee with cream, we aren’t able to do your surgery this morning. We could do it at 1:30, however, your surgeon isn’t available this afternoon. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to call his office to reschedule.” I felt a huge wave of confusion, realization of what I had done and a mix of emotions rush over me in a matter of just a few minutes. Another nurse entered the room and explained the risks and confirmed there was nothing else we could do. They left me alone to get dressed as tears flooded my eyes. I was so mad at myself. There was no one else to blame. It was all on me. I was incredibly frustrated that I had messed up something that I had planned for so long. As I got back in the car, my sister comforted me, “It just wasn’t meant to be. There is a reason this is happening. Maybe your surgeon didn’t get enough sleep last night or something.” I agreed with her in my heart, but this wasn’t the plan. I had just got everything lined up and figured out. Now it was all unraveling before me because of my own mistake, and there was nothing I could do about it. After more tears and several phone calls, I eventually accepted the fact that it just wasn’t going to happen that day. “What would you like to do? Are you up for shopping, or did you just want to go home?” My sister asked after I hung up the phone. “Maybe some retail therapy will help you feel better.” “Let’s go Christmas shopping. All I’m going to do at home is be sad and upset.” I responded. So we decided to make the most of it. We had a great day together that stretched into the night. We ate, we laughed, we drank more coffee (after I spilled it all over shoe) and successfully filled the trunk with Christmas gifts. Later that night I read this beautiful and timely Evening Blessing from Susie Larson, “May you – in spite of your mistakes and missteps – see how God’s love & provision more than cover you. May you – in your weakness – experience abounding grace that makes you divinely strong. Where you’ve experienced loss and brokenness, may you know healing, wholeness, and redemption. Your Redeemer is for you and He is strong. Sleep well tonight.” Sometimes things don’t go as planned. At least not according to our plans. However, we don’t have to let our circumstances dictate or steal our joy. In fact, God may have something even better in mind and he can always use what we offer to him, no matter how much we messed it up. We all make mistakes and experience disappointment, loss and pain. Some of us more deeply than others. Sometimes our course abruptly changes and we don’t always understand why. Maybe he is protecting us from something we know nothing about. And maybe he will use our pain for a purpose greater than we could ever imagine. This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24 Author: Elizabeth