Featured | Hope in a Hopeless World

Marriage is Hard

Featured, Love. Joy. Kindness, Marriage /

Crystal / November 1, 2018

“He isn’t the same person.”“I am not attracted to her anymore.”“He isn’t the person I would choose to marry, if I chose someone today.”“I can’t look at her without being angry.”“Life would be easier for all of us if we went our separate ways.”“But I am not in love anymore.”“I feel numb, I don’t care what happens to my marriage.” Ever feel this way about your spouse?The person that you thought you’d love forever? You are not alone. The natural progression of any relationship is the tendency to drift apart. The tendency to let the movement of life wash you away in a current so subtle that you don’t even know you are moving until you have moved so far that you are lost at sea. When you add the endless list of other waves that might enter the mix it’s no wonder relationships get so complicated that it feels impossible to find your way back. The American Psychological Association predicts that 40-50% of all marriages will end in divorce. American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy predict that 35-45% of all marriages will experience an affair at some point. Separation. Divorce. Affairs. Betrayal. Drift. Isolation. No one plans for any of these. No one dreams about betraying their spouse or building up walls that lead down the path of divorce. You don’t go from happily married to resentful overnight. If most marriages start out with the best of intensions and full of love, then why do almost half end in the tragedy of divorce? Where is the happily ever after that you dream about on your wedding day? Based on the alarming statistics, a marriage has a 50/50 chance at surviving, so what’s the point? These are very real questions that I struggled with when faced with the lowest point in my marriage. It was during this time that I learned that he had been unfaithful to our marriage and the talks of divorce would begin. This would also be the moment that we would both enter programs to treat our mental illness. After fully committing to my therapy, leaning into my family and friends, and truly seeking to reconcile my spiritual doubts, I was finally able to embrace one truth. A truth that would lead me to make decisions, that many would have a hard time understanding. The truth is: Love is a choice. A choice that no one could make for me. One that I alone had the power to decide. When I chose Love, I was able to see past the mistakes and see the situation for what it was. My husband and I had been in engulfed by separate, but similar waves of mental illness that caused our drift to expand steadily and rapidly. Our distorted view on life led to increased tensions, selfish thinking, and survival mode. Choosing to love even when trust was broken, was the turning point that allowed us to begin to repair our marriage. It also allowed me to heal, to tackle the problems head on and sort through the pain. It wasn’t a magic fix that erased all the pain, but it did allow for a starting point for forgiveness. Throughout our healing process, we quickly learned that we are not alone in our marriage struggles. We have heard from well respected family and friends that shared similar stories of heartbreak and trials. I think it is easy to look at the lives of others and think that everyone has it better than you do. To think that you are the only one that is experiencing hard times. Infidelity, separations, addictions, and other marital struggles happen far more often than what people will admit to. I don’t know where this story finds you in this journey of life. But whether you have been married one year or fifty years, divorced, separated, single, happily married, or hanging on by a thread, my hope is that where ever you are, you will know that you are seen. You are not alone. Marriage and relationships are hard for everyone. Tensions and problems that go unaddressed will slowly lead down a road of unhealthy thinking. It is never too late to turn back and address those problems head on. You have the power to choose what is best for you and to let go of all the opinions and judgments that others will place upon you. My fear of what others would think, almost paralyzed me. However, where I thought I would find judgement, I found encouragement. When I opened up about my struggles, I found a whole community of people that had similar struggles. You have the power to let love be your motivation in whatever season you are faced with today. Let’s choose today to start talking about the hard things and stop hiding. Let’s offer grace and unconditional love in place of fear and judgement. You have a spirit, not of fear, but of Power, Love, and Self-Control. Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you from choosing the best road for your life. Author: Crystal

The Highs. The Lows.

Anxiety, Depression, Featured, You are not alone /

Crystal / August 31, 2018

I love the days when my spirit is high, and my motivation level is in it’s prime. These are the days that I feel accomplished, not needing the reassurance or reminders of my worth. On my good days, I feel like a productive member of society. Yesterday was that day. Yesterday, I felt good about life. Today? Today, I woke up with a pit in my stomach, anxiety rising in my chest, and a cycle of inner voices telling me that I am not good enough. The house is still quiet, I walk over to the closet and stare at my clothes. Everything feels so far out of reach. After settling for jeans and a basic shirt, I find myself begging for energy, strength, motivation just to remain standing. Lowering myself to the ground, the tears cannot be stopped. Yesterday was a good day and today just started. What is my deal? No one should have to deal with me. No one should have to put up with my highs only to be disappointed by my extreme lows. The highs. The lows. Sometimes every day is a new battle. Those around me don’t know if they will get the cheerful, motivational, let’s tackle the world woman that they know and love, or the don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, don’t expect much of me woman that I know and dread. The low days sneak around the corner and remind me of my weaknesses. They often appear with no warning and leave me questioning my value. Leaving me tearful, resistant, distracted, and frustrated. The inner voice on the low days tells me to hide. Don’t let them see you. They don’t want to hear your troubles. It tells me that I am a burden to those around me. I have become an expert hider. I would win at the game of hide and seek when it’s emotions that we are hiding. I can bury my emotions so deep that no one will find them. But what is the value in hiding? Where does the motivation to hide our low feelings come from? If I had a cold, I would likely openly share my discomfort. I would feel no embarrassment or shame in telling those around me the reason for feeling out of sorts. The symptoms of a physical condition are easy to share, easy to point out, and easy to explain. The symptoms of mental illness or a low day, are not as easy to explain and can leave behind the feeling of isolation. The feeling that no one could possibly understand. I want you to hear this: You are not alone. You are not a burden. You have a right to feel the low days and share your pain. You do not have to hide. Don’t be embarrassed or afraid to let your true self shine. The highs, the lows, they do not define your worth. You are more then a sum of your emotions. Emotions are a part of being human. They are natural and beautiful. They allow us to express and release the tensions brewing inside. I know firsthand that it is difficult, and I would like to encourage you today to stop hiding and start sharing your real, raw, wonderfully made self with those closest to you. Author: Crystal

An Unexpected Nudge

Bipolar, Featured, Introduction, MH Awareness /

Elizabeth / July 20, 2018

Hi! My name is Elizabeth and I am thrilled to have the privilege to contribute to this wonderful blog. As Crystal mentioned in her last post, we met at a woman’s group which I lovingly refer to as “Coffee Group.” It’s just a small group of real women gathering together a few nights a month to drink coffee and chat about life. I am not one to hold back details about my personal life and most people probably think I overshare, so surprisingly I hadn’t shared much at Coffee Group about my mental illness. In fact, aside from brief comments here and there, I hadn’t really talked about it with anyone for a long time. My psychiatry check-ups had been reduced down to 20 minutes two times a year. I had been managing it well for several years and feeling back to myself, so why talk about it? Following my hospitalization and diagnoses of Bipolar I in 2011, I had a strong desire to connect with others that had similar experiences. After taking part in group therapy, I tried out a depression and bipolar support group in the Minneapolis area. While it was comforting to hear from others going through similar struggles, it didn’t feel quite right for me and I only attended a handful of times. I later attended a mental health conference in Miami with my sister and was inspired to start a local support group, and took several steps in that direction, but never saw it through. I always chalked it up to being too busy at work or at home, when in reality it was my fear of putting myself out there and lack of confidence as a leader that kept me from pursuing it. During one Coffee Group last year we were discussing how we can use our God-given gifts to serve others. We were going around the table each sharing something meaningful to us – working with children, instructing yoga, and dog therapy were among some of the ideas these beautiful women were passionate about. When it was my turn, I nervously explained that I wanted to start a mental health support group, and also shared some of my fears surrounding it. The outpouring of encouragement from the other women was amazing, but I still had that nagging, negative “You can’t do it” thought stuck in my head. After our group ended, Crystal approached me. We talked for a moment about our shared experience living with mental illness and then she said it…she would be willing to co-lead a support group with me. I was speechless (that takes a lot!) and beyond excited. The thought of leading was a scary thing for me and now that huge barrier was removed by someone I had just met. I told her I would love that and we agreed to talk again soon. I am so thankful that I decided to talk about my experience and my vision that night and even more thankful that Crystal decided to reach out to me. Our friendship began that day, and I am very proud to say our journey as co-leaders of an official mental health support group commenced in March of this year. We are just getting started in our shared goal of raising mental health awareness and breaking the stigma surrounding it. The process will look a little different for each of us, but there is true peace and healing in finding your tribe, your community, your support. Whether it be through family, friends, church, a local support group, an online blog, or a combination of these things, please know you are not alone and you don’t have to let your mental illness define you or your life. We hope you will join us on this journey and invite others too – the bigger the circle, the bigger the impact. If you or someone you know is living with a mental illness and would like more information about finding a local support group, please reach out to us. Author Elizabeth