Crystal | Hope in a Hopeless World

Healthy Conflict.

Crystal / January 14, 2019

My husband is a republican military veteran and is married to me a democratic social worker. Is that not the definition of confliction? Based on debates and interactions that I have witnessed, we should be in constant conflict, anger, and disagreement. Conflict is one of those hard to navigate facets of life that comes around more then we would like it to. Conflict finds us at home, at work, at the store, when we expect it, and when we don’t. It’s not going away, so what are our options? What is the best way to navigate conflict? Ignore the Problem. Ignoring the problem may keep us in our comfort zone and away from highly confrontational interactions that some of us dread and avoid at all costs. This may be appropriate in some situations, however, before using this as your go to response you may want to consider a few things. Consider the relationship you have with that person and the impact of the conflict. Is this a relationship that you value? Is the conflict in question one that will have major impacts on your daily life? If so, ignoring the issue at hand, may be setting yourself up for increased tensions and growing hatred. Your silence may tell that person that you agree with the way they talked to you or with how they are handling a situation. They will likely continue with that behavior not knowing that they upset you. Naturally you will become increasingly annoyed, and they will be oblivious. You may even begin keeping score with someone that doesn’t know they are playing the game. Demand your Opinion be Heard. If ignoring it makes your insides boil, you may choose to boil over and demand that your opinions be heard. All those built up feelings are no longer eating you away and the other person knows exactly how you feel. If your goal is to create a trusting, lasting, working relationship, you may want to reconsider. The person on the receiving end will likely leave that interaction feeling run over and unheard. You may have just lost trust with that person and the chances of them sharing their true feelings and opinions with you in the future has just drastically decreased. Passive-Aggressive Hints. If ignoring the problem leaves your feelings trapped inside and demanding to be heard leaves those you care about insecure, it’s only natural that the middle ground that many resort to is passive-aggressive hints. This style of addressing conflict allows you to keep the peace in the moment and then quietly hint toward change later. The downside is that the other person will be left to guess and generally we as people are horrible guessers. This leaves a lot of room for error. Your hints may be misinterpreted, taken as offensive, or missed all together. You might escape the initial conversation, but most likely you will still feel the tension rising. Honest, Open Conversation. Leaving someone guessing may work in some situations, when the other is very perceptive and can roll with the hints. What happens the rest of the time when the other person does not understand the hidden messages? What happens when the perceptive person gets tired of guessing and they stop trying? Perhaps you could try an open conversation. Allow each person to truly express their opinions and feelings without judgement to resolve the conflict while preserving the relationship. You will find that this style of addressing conflict may be the most productive and the most vulnerable. In order to effectively talk about the conflict, you will have to be willing to share how you are feeling and the impacts on you. Then be ready to accept how the other person is feeling without reacting defensively. The more you practice being honest and kind the more natural it will feel. There is a time and a place for different forms of conflict resolution. Whatever you decide, make it an intentional choice. One that is thought out and not centered in emotion. Make a choice that is right for you and those you value most. As for this democratic social worker and her republican military veteran, I can tell you firsthand that when we truly try to understand the other’s point of view, we often leave the conversation with the same belief as when we started but we find common ground through active listening and conversation. We leave feeling heard and respected. You can co-exist with differences in opinion. It’s how you treat those with a different opinion that truly matters most. Author: Crystal Not signed up for our newsletter? Click below to get signed up. Sign-up for Newsletter

Failure is Normal.

Crystal / January 1, 2019

It’s good to have goals for life, but don’t let your hefty goals weigh you down this year. It’s predicted that only 8% of New Year’s Resolutions are reached. I am all for goal setting and planning but think about what you are setting yourself up for in the new year. Failure should be apart of every plan. No one gets it perfect the first time around. Allow for self-love and grace. Give yourself permission to fail, reconsider, and change course. Failing does not make you a failure. Perhaps the new year is a time to re-examine your priorities. It could be time to shift your mindset into healthy, positive thinking. To start seeing yourself and the people around you as good, even when it’s hard. If you are getting hung up on goals this year, keep it simple and achievable. Let yourself off the hook, and don’t place your self-worth on whether or not you can reach a goal. There is so much more to you then your ability to reach goals. For me, the year of 2019 will represent a year of Trust. Trusting in the plan for my life. That the tasks and dreams placed on my heart will take form. Not on mine time, but when the time is right. Trusting that I have what it takes to carry out those dreams. I will let go of the fear of failure that holds me back and fully embrace my gifts. What does 2019 represent for you? Is this the year of new beginnings? Finding a place of healing? Rebuilding of relationships? Maybe it is letting go of fear that holds you back from your purpose in life. A new year can represent many things. Whatever it represents for you make it a time of self-care and set yourself up for positive change in the coming year. Author: Crystal

Joy does not equal Happiness

Love. Joy. Kindness, Marriage /

Crystal / December 22, 2018

As we enter the days leading up to Christmas, it can be a time of chaos, busy schedules, not enough time, and not enough energy. It can open old wounds and drag out memories you wish would stay hidden. Yet, despite the dark shadows that cloud our vision, it can still be a time of great joy. Joy is not the absence of pain. During heartache, turmoil, and brokenness you can still feel intense joy. You simply must choose to get there. It won’t be easy. The things that bring the greatest joy often come with great pain. Joy does not equal happiness. Happiness comes from external sources. These can be positive or negative. Such as a gift from a friend, a raise at work, alcohol, drugs, or a shopping spree. Happiness is dependent on what’s happening to us. It is a temporary emotion based on our surroundings. Joy comes from the inside. It takes intentional thinking and planning. The ability to look past the present moment and look to the bigger picture. Look for ways to improve the well-being of people. It’s the selfless acts of service. Setting your own immediate needs aside in order to make an impact later. For me happiness is a large cup coffee, watching Gilmore Girls, or reading a book. There is nothing wrong with any of these things. They make me happy, but I don’t feel the intense feeling of joy over these external items. The feelings of intense joy come when I look at my family. My broken family that has been pieced back together through intense healing, work, and selflessness. The overcoming of imperfections and choosing to love despite heartache. It’s facing the fear of the unknown and watching the miracles of repair and forgiveness transform. Joy cannot be experienced without sacrifice, generosity, and patience. Let’s give up the life of contentment and begin to seek pure, intense joy. In what ways can you begin to show sacrificial generosity in your family or in your community? Perhaps, it’s showing kindness even when not deserved. Being generous to a stranger. Healing a relationship. Taking a step to address addiction or mental illness. It will look different for everyone. It may be hard now, but will provide lasting joy. When you find yourself in a dark shadow, be the bright light that brings hope! Author: Crystal

Dear Self

Self Worth, You are not alone /

Crystal / December 8, 2018

Dear Beautiful, Strong, & Compassionate Self, Today you are feeling confident, valued, and productive. Today you woke up with a spring in your step and a desire to make things happen. Today you care about people and have a kind heart. I know that this is not how you always feel. There are days that you wake up hating the world. You feel ugly, unappreciated, worthless. I want you to hear from me, the you on your good days. This day will come and go. Whether this is a good day or a bad day, it is 24 hours. It may seem like you will feel like this forever, but I am proof that you do not always feel this way. You have good days and you have bad days like everyone else. You do not always feel insecure and unproductive with low energy. When the hard days come around again, I want you to remember and embrace these truths: Emotions are good. You are allowed to feel annoyed, angry, frustrated, sad, confused. This is normal. Don’t fight or ignore them. Find helpful ways to release and feel the tough emotions. Yes, I know that you do not want to. Do it anyway. Everyone has good days, and everyone has bad days. This is not a character flaw. You cannot be at your best every day and that does not make you less worthy or capable You will not always feel this way. I know that it feels never-ending, but it will end. Bad days come, and they leave. Listen to you body. Your strong emotions are telling you something. Slow down, listen to what your body needs. Rest, take breaks, reflect. Do not feel guilty about your breaks, rest and reflection lead to better mood and productivity. Let others in. You may need time for solitude, quiet, and personal reflection. After you have allowed yourself to process, let others in. Community and connection are important even on the days that you feel tired and unworthy. At the end of the day, be proud that you accomplished another day of strong emotion. I know that it is not easy and you did it! Every day ends, make the most of this day. Even the pain has a great purpose in the bigger picture of life. Sincerely, The You on Your Good Days. Author: Crystal

Sign of True Strength

Love. Joy. Kindness /

Crystal / December 3, 2018

Natural reaction to an infuriating moment is to yell, retaliate, or seek justice. They deserve it. They have to learn from their mistakes somehow. Right? When you stop to think about it, does yelling or pay back ever actually make us feel better or solve the problem? It is often encouraged, and even rewarded, to demand our way, seek justice, and manipulate the situation to better our odds. The person that can strong arm the opponent to get their way is viewed as the victor. The one with the most strength. The person that is kind and humble is viewed as weak. They may be described as a push over with no back bone. However, is kindness really the weak choice? It’s easy to give in to our human nature and go down the path of selfishness. Our basic human nature prompts us to look out for our own wellbeing and use our power for our own benefit. Anyone can react and respond to a situation with anger or revenge. It doesn’t take much effort to give into the natural emotions. The real challenge is offering grace to the hardest to love, forgiveness to the person that hurt you the most, and kindness to someone that is undeserving. The challenge is to overcome your gut reaction and choose to be kind always. Kindness takes intentional planning, rational thinking, and a desire to make an impact on others. The sign of true strength is found in the person that can stand with confidence, allow the gut reaction emotion to settle, and let kindness to take over. The next time you are faced with a situation that produces that gut reaction of negative emotions, try replacing it with kindness. When someone cuts in front of you in the check-out line, take a deep breath and respond with a smile. If your stubborn child is on his or her 17th tantrum of the day, tell them that you love them. When a co-worker is struggling at work, give them a helping hand or words of encouragement. The next argument you have with your spouse or significant other be the first to apologize. If you fail at a task, give yourself grace and a reminder that no one is perfect. You will notice that your kindness will warm your heart and health thinking will fill your mind. Make kindness a lifestyle not a one-time act. How can you take steps to shift from emotional reaction to practical kindness? In what ways can you start to practice being intentionally kind in your every day life? It is not an easy task and it may seem daunting. Showing consistent kindness is not for the meek, it is the greatest form of strength. Author: Crystal

When It’s Hard to be Thankful

MH Awareness, Thankfulness /

Crystal / November 22, 2018

Some seasons of life are harder to navigate then others. It’s easy to be thankful when life is a smooth ride with no wind or waves blocking our view. But what about the rocky seasons? The days that the wind is knocking you over and a cycle of waves are pushing you in every direction. The days that it’s hard to stand; let alone find time to be grateful. Our natural human tendency will allow us to be engulfed by the pain that surrounds us. Human nature will allow all sorts of hardships to control our mind. Fear, guilt, worry, anger, loneliness, heartache. Negative thoughts or feelings can be debilitating especially when ignored. Standing in the middle of the wind and waves with no strength to stop the movement can leave us feeling drained and numb to the beauty that is around us. Just as the wind and waves will calm, so will the storms of life. Sometimes we must wait it out. In the meantime, emotions allow pain to be released from our body and should be celebrated. We can use this release to gain traction when enduring a difficult season. Take a moment today to acknowledge the emotions you are feeling. Are you feeling lonely? Like no one cares? Are you feeling overwhelmed by life? Guilty about choices you made? Misunderstood? Heartbroken? Worried? Afraid? Acknowledge your emotions and then slowly release the pain that is blocking your view. Look past the wind and the waves and search for the strength inside. Look toward the source of your strength. You cannot change your season, but you can change how you approach it. You cannot stop the emotions from coming, but you can change how you view them. Be thankful for emotions today. Embrace them as a way to release the pain. Allow yourself to truly feel and observe each emotion that arises in you and envision the pain leaving your body with each breath. Use your spirit of Power, Love, and Control to take a stand during the difficult season. Remind yourself of the beauty on the other side that is waiting to be seen. Author: Crystal

Grace for the Hard Days

Support for Family and Friends /

Crystal / November 17, 2018

The person you love has told you that they have been struggling with a mental illness. You want to do and say all the right things so you think extra carefully about what to say next, but you are left wondering if you’ve said enough. How can I help them? What if I made it worse? Often well-intentioned family and friends tend to overthink and dwell on how to help their loved one. We forget how far the power of a listening ear and a kind heart can go. If someone has disclosed to you that they have a mental illness, take that as a huge compliment. They trust you. Releasing those words into the air and out of their heart was more therapeutic than you will ever know. The question remains: How do I respond? I have complied a list of tips that have been helpful to those living with mental illness. If you feel that your loved one is at immediate risk of harming themselves or someone else, see the resources at the bottom of this page and act immediately. 6 Ways to Support your Family or Friend living with Mental Illness Believe them. Mental illness is often an unseen condition. You may not be able to see their signs and symptoms, but if they are telling you that they struggle with some form of mental illness don’t down play it. Believe and trust that it is true. Don’t try to fix it. Instead try to understand. It’s human nature to want to fix a problem. Sometimes problems are not ours to fix. Instead of trying to offer solutions, try to understand what mental illness looks like for them. You could ask questions like “What do anxiety/depression/mental illness symptoms look like for you?” “What does a hard day look like?” “Are there things that make a hard day worse?” “Are there things that make a hard day better?” Offer grace instead of frustration. Cancelled plans. Ignored texts or phone calls. Lack of follow through. Unexplained silence or avoidance. These can all be symptoms of mental illness. Don’t take it personally if your lunch date with a friend is rescheduled multiple times. It does not mean that they are avoiding you. It’s possible that their symptoms are heightened, and they have entered survival mode. Choose to offer grace and kindness as much as possible. They are feeling enough guilt for both of you. Keep inviting them to events. They want to be included and feel wanted even if they can’t physically get there. Learn to love silence. Be comfortable with silence. Sometimes your presence is all that is needed. If you are searching for the perfect words or are bombarding them with a constant stream of talk, then their thoughts and words might be washed out. Silence is great and can allow the person to gather their thoughts and will show them that you are in no rush. Take time to learn more. Seek out resources and articles that describe the causes, symptoms, and treatments for their specific illness. If you need help finding information, reach out to us at Hope in a Hopeless World under our request for resources section. After you have taken the time to believe in them, understand, offer grace, and learn more, then when the time is right encourage them to take the next steps toward treatment. Immediately offering solutions before you truly understand them can be counterproductive. However, if your family or friend is showing signs of harming themselves or others act immediately. Additional resources at the bottom of this page can help you through that process. Take care of yourself. Perhaps the most important of all of these, is to take care of your own mental and physical health. Setting appropriate boundaries, taking time for self-care, practicing positive thinking, and taking care of your own personal needs will be crucial to helping someone else. Your family or friend wants to see you in a good place, they do not want to see you burned out from them. Mental illness is far more common then it may seem. Making the choice to offer grace as your first reaction will make a huge impact on the lives of those around you. And as a bonus you will being practicing health thinking too. <3 Author: Crystal Additional Resources: Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741, https://www.crisistextline.org/ For additional information on how to help someone with a mental illness check out NAMIs tip sheet. https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/NAMI-FaithNet/Tips-For-How-to-Help-a-Person-with-Mental-Illness

Depression is Not the New You

Depression /

Crystal / November 10, 2018

I sprang out of bed at 5:55am before my alarm, before the dogs, before my husband, and yes even before my 4-year-old. I briskly walked into the kitchen, started brewing the coffee, and then gazed out the back window. There was a light snow that had covered the ground and a farmer working in the field behind my house. I love this time of day, the quiet hours in the morning where I can reflect on my life. I allowed the positive energy and contentment to wash over me. To think that there was a time in my life that I thought my energy would never come back and that I would be lost in a world of panic forever. How thankful I am that I was wrong. When Depression, PTSD, and Vicarious Trauma had its control over me, I felt like a completely different person. The new me had no energy, no sleep, and no compassion. Getting out of bed was a chore let alone cooking, cleaning, being a wife, or a mom. Every day I could feel the weight of the day slowly closing in on me. Thoughts about quitting my job, leaving my husband, re-homing the dogs, and running away from all life responsibilities felt like the only way I was going to survive. The new me couldn’t handle my old life. Couldn’t handle the responsibilities. Truth be told, I didn’t think anything could ever “fix” me. It felt like I needed to change my lifestyle instead of addressing my mental health. I had spent the last several years as a Social Worker convincing other people to seek treatment for their mental illness. Yet when it was my turn to face the battles of mental illness I was in denial. “My mental illness isn’t as bad as theirs was.”“Treatment won’t work for me.”“No one understands what I am going through.”“I don’t see how talking about my feelings is going to help.”“I don’t have mental illness so why would I see a therapist?”“I am strong, I can overcome it on my own. I don’t need help.” The same excuses that I heard time and time again from others were quickly adapted as my own. Depression likes to tell us that there is no way out. But don’t believe the lies! This is not the new you. This is not how it will always be. Mental illness is treatable and there are people that will understand. Don’t let your mind be controlled by a chemical imbalance that can be treated. Use your strength and control to intentionally make changes to better your mental health. A strong mind knows that people are meant to work together. A strong person takes the step to schedule an appointment, continue with treatment, and heal their mind. If you are lost in the world of depression or mental illness, take the first step today. The great news is that treatment does work! Even better, you get to decide to take that step. You get to tell mental illness that you are stronger than the hold it has on your mind. Author: Crystal

Marriage is Hard

Featured, Love. Joy. Kindness, Marriage /

Crystal / November 1, 2018

“He isn’t the same person.”“I am not attracted to her anymore.”“He isn’t the person I would choose to marry, if I chose someone today.”“I can’t look at her without being angry.”“Life would be easier for all of us if we went our separate ways.”“But I am not in love anymore.”“I feel numb, I don’t care what happens to my marriage.” Ever feel this way about your spouse?The person that you thought you’d love forever? You are not alone. The natural progression of any relationship is the tendency to drift apart. The tendency to let the movement of life wash you away in a current so subtle that you don’t even know you are moving until you have moved so far that you are lost at sea. When you add the endless list of other waves that might enter the mix it’s no wonder relationships get so complicated that it feels impossible to find your way back. The American Psychological Association predicts that 40-50% of all marriages will end in divorce. American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy predict that 35-45% of all marriages will experience an affair at some point. Separation. Divorce. Affairs. Betrayal. Drift. Isolation. No one plans for any of these. No one dreams about betraying their spouse or building up walls that lead down the path of divorce. You don’t go from happily married to resentful overnight. If most marriages start out with the best of intensions and full of love, then why do almost half end in the tragedy of divorce? Where is the happily ever after that you dream about on your wedding day? Based on the alarming statistics, a marriage has a 50/50 chance at surviving, so what’s the point? These are very real questions that I struggled with when faced with the lowest point in my marriage. It was during this time that I learned that he had been unfaithful to our marriage and the talks of divorce would begin. This would also be the moment that we would both enter programs to treat our mental illness. After fully committing to my therapy, leaning into my family and friends, and truly seeking to reconcile my spiritual doubts, I was finally able to embrace one truth. A truth that would lead me to make decisions, that many would have a hard time understanding. The truth is: Love is a choice. A choice that no one could make for me. One that I alone had the power to decide. When I chose Love, I was able to see past the mistakes and see the situation for what it was. My husband and I had been in engulfed by separate, but similar waves of mental illness that caused our drift to expand steadily and rapidly. Our distorted view on life led to increased tensions, selfish thinking, and survival mode. Choosing to love even when trust was broken, was the turning point that allowed us to begin to repair our marriage. It also allowed me to heal, to tackle the problems head on and sort through the pain. It wasn’t a magic fix that erased all the pain, but it did allow for a starting point for forgiveness. Throughout our healing process, we quickly learned that we are not alone in our marriage struggles. We have heard from well respected family and friends that shared similar stories of heartbreak and trials. I think it is easy to look at the lives of others and think that everyone has it better than you do. To think that you are the only one that is experiencing hard times. Infidelity, separations, addictions, and other marital struggles happen far more often than what people will admit to. I don’t know where this story finds you in this journey of life. But whether you have been married one year or fifty years, divorced, separated, single, happily married, or hanging on by a thread, my hope is that where ever you are, you will know that you are seen. You are not alone. Marriage and relationships are hard for everyone. Tensions and problems that go unaddressed will slowly lead down a road of unhealthy thinking. It is never too late to turn back and address those problems head on. You have the power to choose what is best for you and to let go of all the opinions and judgments that others will place upon you. My fear of what others would think, almost paralyzed me. However, where I thought I would find judgement, I found encouragement. When I opened up about my struggles, I found a whole community of people that had similar struggles. You have the power to let love be your motivation in whatever season you are faced with today. Let’s choose today to start talking about the hard things and stop hiding. Let’s offer grace and unconditional love in place of fear and judgement. You have a spirit, not of fear, but of Power, Love, and Self-Control. Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you from choosing the best road for your life. Author: Crystal

They have it Worse

Love. Joy. Kindness /

Crystal / October 19, 2018

Normally I avoid watching the news. Instead of ruminating on the terrifying stories that have already happened, I prefer to use my time and energy intentionally uplifting and helping the small part of the world that I have the power to influence. Yet, heartbreaking stories still cross my path. Sometimes these stories will consume my mind. Stop me in my tracks and remind me of the broken world we live in. It is during these painful moments that guilt over my comfortable life sets in. Worry drives my choices. Anger turns to hopelessness. “They have it much worse than me. What do I have to complain about?” There is a big difference between being grateful for your blessings and letting the pain of the world stop you from taking care of yourself. Does the knowledge that someone else has it worse than you, make your pain less painful? Awareness of the trials and troubles others face allow us to feel the much-needed compassion, empathy, and sense of community. But with all things, balance is key. Examine your state of mind right now. If the brokenness of the world is consuming you, you may be headed down a road of helplessness, numbness, heartbreak, and confusion. This world needs your compassion and empathy. You will not be able to show your kindness to the world if you don’t first take care of your own battles. Your own brokenness. Much like you cannot lift someone up with a broken arm, you cannot influence your part of the world with a broken spirit. What worries, past events, or troubles do you need to face today? What steps can you take to face those fears to move forward with your life? We do not have a spirit of fear. Take the first brave step toward self-improvement so that you can shine a light on the broken world one step, one act, one person at a time. Author: Crystal