I cannot pinpoint the exact moment that isolation began to creep into our lives, but slowly my husband and I experienced a steady drift toward isolation. It’s amazing looking back. One day we were the happy, power couple that would be together forever, shared every moment of success and failure, and simply did life together. The next day, we were passing ships. Lost in a world of panic attacks, nightmares, paralyzing anxiety, and fear. Passing ships that would eventually reach for permanent separation as a way out. A way to fix the pain.
Naturally one would think that two best friends and life partners would connect over experiencing similar symptoms. Our mental illnesses were caused by separate events, but the symptoms were eerily similar, as were our coping styles.

Denial. Isolation. Flight.

Thoughts around “This is all in my head.” “I should be able to handle this.” “No one would understand.” “It’s not as bad as what other people have” “No one has noticed a change in me.”

Whatever the reason for the timing, my husband and I were struck with the impact of mental illness at the same time. Unable to provide comfort or support to the other.

How can two people, best friends and life partners, be sharing the same experience but still feel so alone?

It was during the lowest time in our marriage, that I knew something needed to change.

Symptoms that should have been obvious, had been ignored for too long. The sound of a scream on TV would send me running for cover, even in the safety of my own home. The nightmares that would come at night would soon become the reason I would live on 3 hours of sleep each night. The simple brush of my arm in a crowded space would mean that I was being violated against my will. The ring of my phone meant that there was another person calling me that I couldn’t help. Another person that needed a Social Worker with better skills than I.

Hopelessness, social withdrawal, avoided eye contact, chest pain, flashbacks.

Survival mode.

My body and mind were doing anything it could to hide from the fears in my mind. Which meant hiding from family, friends, co-workers, and even my husband, the one true love in my life.

Somehow, I even brushed off a hospital stay as a “fluke.” I was seen in the emergency room for severe abdominal pain, vomiting blood, chest pain, difficulty breathing, and irregular heartbeat and still I refused all follow-up care after the hospital visit because the doctors didn’t find anything physically wrong with me. The power of mental illness does not only affect your mind. Often the physical changes will be the first symptoms noticed.

It was several months after my visit to the hospital that I finally sought treatment. After learning about my own symptoms, it became abundantly obvious that my husband was experiencing similar symptoms. Even though we had already begun the separation process, I pushed him to seek help for his symptoms. To my surprise, he followed through on his first appointment and learned that he was living with combat PTSD, OCD, and Major Depression.
It was a long road to recovery for the two of us and there were mistakes that were made during this time. A time of survival. A time of seeking for anything to heal the pain, anything to distract from the living nightmare that had us trapped inside.

The greatest lesson we have learned along the way, is to let people in. There are people that will understand. There are people that want to help you through and stand with you, but they cannot do that if they are not given the opportunity.
Isolation is a dangerous and scary place to live. Take the first step today to reach out to someone. Schedule an appointment, find a support group, confide in a friend.

The hope that comes with healing, is more than worth it. The loneliness that you may be feeling now will not last forever. In fact, the struggles that we are handed in life are bound to make us more compassionate, understanding, and strong. Use your low points in life, to prove that your trials and troubles do not define you. Tell your fear and doubts that you are in control.

Author: Crystal