Chances are that someone in your life is living with depression. According to the ADAA (Anxiety and Depression Association of America), Depression effects 16.1 million adults in the US each year. Depression can be hard to see or explain, making it easy to ignore.

What does depression look like?

Depression can take form in many ways. If you are not around that person often, it’s possible that you may not notice anything different. Depression often will show up in little interest in life leading to inability to complete or keep up with daily life.

For me, feelings of depression were masked by daily stressors. It was easy to come up with reasons for my low mood. Reflecting on that time, I can see that my choices for coping were ineffective.

It felt like one day I was full of life and energy. I was happily married, baby on the way, working a rewarding job in social work, and “on track” with my life goals.

Then a series of life events began to wear me down. Miscarriage, difficulty getting pregnant, and work stress were just a few weights that were added to my shoulders.

Even with the added heartaches, I was still pushing through and trying to rise above, until depression and PTSD hit hard. Eventually our first child did come which proved to be far more difficult than anything that I imagined. There were gradual symptoms of depression and warning signs that were overlooked and rationalized away. It’s difficult to differentiate between normal exhaustion from pregnancy and a new baby and exhaustion from depression. It felt like one day I was doing great, the next day I wasn’t, and in a blink of an eye it was four years later.

Four long, foggy years of untreated and ignored depression and PTSD. All my energy, drive, and interest were zapped out of me. Getting out of bed felt impossible. I was late to work often. Communication with those around me came to a complete halt and an internal battle began. My memories from those years are a blur.

My life was on hold. The only tasks getting done were those needed for survival.

Reality began to sink in when my husband and I began talking about divorce. Only then did I seek treatment. It became clear that I wasn’t the only one struggling with mental illness, my husband was too.

Many hard lessons have been learned throughout the pain of mental illness and the healing process. I have gained insight into my marriage, effective communication, and healthy coping strategies.  

And I have gained a community of people. A community that understands the struggle, the isolation, and the confusion that comes from an illness that can at times feel invisible.

In talking with others that have struggled with depression, I gathered a list of common things that you should know about your loved one who is living with depression.

What should you know about living with someone that has depression?

Lack of interest is not personal.

One of the main symptoms of depression is the lack of interest or desire in anything. Unfortunately, this includes people. Depression causes strain on relationships, often because the person that is living with depression stops showing an interest in their relationships. This leaves family and friends feeling personally attacked. This is not a personal dislike or lack of love for you, it’s simply a symptom of the illness.

Low ability to finish (or start) tasks is not due to laziness.

Someone that is living with depression is not choosing to be lazy. Depression can be just as debilitating as physical illness. Shift your mind to thinking about them with an illness. If they had cancer what would your expectation of them be? If they didn’t have depression, would their desire to help with basic chores look different?

Listening is better than fixing.

Mental illness can be very isolating and confusing to explain. If someone you suspect has a mental illness and they are talking to you about symptoms, it can be easy to want to offer advice or try to fix the problem. One of the biggest problems is finding someone who will listen without fixing.  Try using open-ended questions to encourage them to continue talking and active listening to show that you are interested in what they are saying. The best “fix” is often a listening ear that has no agenda.

Communicate.

If you feel like they are upset with you, don’t love you, or don’t care, then talk to them about those feelings. Be gentle, kind, and non-defensive. Chances are if they knew they were making you feel unloved, they would want to change that. Give them a chance to speak their truth without assuming for them.

Grace, grace, grace.

Mental illness is hard to navigate. Offer grace as much as possible. There is power in unconditional love and grace. Use that power to promote positive change and healthy thinking.

Take care of yourself.

You will get burnt out from caretaking if you don’t plan to take care of yourself. This may include treatment for your own needs, scheduled on-going time with friends/support group/church group, whatever you need to do to fill yourself up. Do not feel guilty about enjoying your time and practicing healthy boundaries. Modeling healthy self-care is a great first step to helping your loved one get through depression.

Remember that this is not how it will always be.  

Keep in mind that depression is an illness that is treatable, but it takes time. Even after symptoms improve, there may be hard days. Remind yourself that this is not how it will always be. You will have good days and bad days just like everything else in life.

It’s tough watching those we love struggle with an illness. It’s even harder to understand an illness that can’t be easily seen or explained.

You have a spirit of Power, Love, and Self-Control. Control your responses and offer love in those difficult to navigate spaces.

Author: Crystal