Chest pain, shortness of breath, upset stomach, on the verge of tears. I forgot how terrible this feeling is. I remember feeling paralyzed by these feelings in the past. Paralyzed by the silent, fierce attacker that gives no warning. Tonight it is keeping me awake. I fall asleep for a few minutes only to be jolted awake by the sound of a car alarm. I move around our bed unsure at first of where I was and if it was a dream or reality. Thankfully the beeping stops, but then my husband quickly enters our large master bedroom to peek out the front window that overlooks our driveway. My heart is beating fast now, almost as fast as my thoughts. We exchange a short conversation about what just happened. He seems concerned that the alarm went off, saying, “It doesn’t just do that for no reason.” I ask if there are dogs barking. He doesn’t know, but I’m sure I heard the neighbor’s dogs barking at the sound of the alarm. As if I need another worry to keep me up at night. A massive flood of emotions and thoughts come rushing through my body and my head at full force and I am sure it will be a sleepless night.

Fast forward a few months and my attacker has followed me again. While enjoying a beautiful evening of music this summer, my husband and I decide to venture into the standing only section to get a closer view of one of our favorite bands, For King & Country. They are the headliner of the music festival, the last band of the weekend, and you can feel the anticipation in the air. We stand together as the sun begins to set and the air cools. At the same time I can feel the crowd growing thicker and thicker, closer and closer. All of a sudden the air feels heavy, my heart rate quickens, my palms get sweaty, and the sounds and smells of the strangers around me become increasingly louder and overwhelming. Even though I’m aware that there is no real threat of danger, thoughts of unlikely situations start racing through my mind. I close my eyes and start taking deep breaths to help calm myself down. Sensing my restlessness, my husband asks if I’m okay and takes hold of my hand to comfort me. I would feel horrible leaving after waiting for so long, but all I want to do is run out of there. Finally, the white curtain is lit, shadows of large drums appear, and the band’s signature entrance begins. My attacker is distracted for the moment, but still looms in the background ready to rear its ugly head at any moment.

Recently, as I went through some boxes of paperwork in preparation for our upcoming move, I came across some old medical records. There it was, typed in simple words, no different than my height and weight listed the same page: Anxiety Disorder. My first ever mental health diagnosis. Anxiety is the name of this attacker, and sometimes, like some kind of metaphysical werewolf, it morphs into a full blown panic attack. Its abrupt interruption and lingering presence can be life altering. It is a silent, but strong force that affects the lives of many people I know and love. This attacker is not discriminatory. It can impact the young and the old, men and women, single or married, career-driven or stay-at-home parents. It isn’t convenient or welcome, but it will show up anyway, regardless of the place or time, and stop us dead in our tracks.

The overwhelming weight of anxiety can be debilitating, and many times even those closest to us do not know or understand what is happening within us. It is important for us to try to explain what we’re feeling because as with any disease, you don’t know what it’s really like until you’ve experienced it yourself. There are many people who haven’t had the pleasure (ha!) of first-hand experience with a mental illness, but they truly do care and want to try to understand.

There will be people who will say hurtful things. They might dismiss and undermine our feelings saying things like, “You worry too much” or “You’re just stressed out” or “You just need to relax.” As hard as it might be, let’s give them grace. Perhaps they want to help, but don’t know what to do or what to say. Accept that no one is perfect and even if they don’t completely understand, that doesn’t mean that they don’t love and care about you.

Let’s be transparent and open up the dialogue. This does not show weakness, it shows strength. It can be truly refreshing and healing.

This is a place of acceptance, support and love. We would love to hear your story. In the comments below, share how anxiety or another mental illness has affected your life, and some ways that you have been able to overcome.